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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give my mum €20k towards house deposit

51 replies

investwithmum · 29/01/2023 17:20

I've name changed as I don't want this very obvious thread linked to my main name sorry!

Basically my mum stuck her head in the sand about finances/ pensions/ security most of her life. She is in her mid 50s and is considering buying a house. But with rent being stupid money she is struggling to save a deposit. It will wipe out my savings but I can give her about €20k towards it. Where she lives she can still get a very decent house for about €175k it will be small but perfect for her needs.

Anyway DH thinks if I do I need to get something in writing that I have 'invested' in the house. But I don't think I can, I know lenders in Ireland (where I am) often look for a letter to confirm that the money is a gift and the giver will not look for it back.

I am an only child so when it comes to it (all going as nature intends) I will inherit this house. If not DS will. My mum has said that is what she intends. There would nothing of course to stop her in years to come to write a will and amend that to leave the house to the birds but I really doubt she would.

My mum was left high and dry when my dad left. I know it's a bit crappy but I am thinking at least this would leave me somewhere if things don't work out with DH. We are together 15 years and I honestly don't see us ever breaking up.

But that 20k will come back to me, and until that point if something does happen with me and DH he wouldn't be able to touch it as the house will be 100% my mums.

AIBU - Do not give the money to your mum
YANBU - Give it to your mum

OP posts:

daisytumble · 29/01/2023 17:21

If you can afford to do this it is very kind of you. If not, could you possibly give her half the amount as a compromise? There are schemes such as shared ownership that I am sure she could use with a lower deposit, that way it’s still a guaranteed roof over her head.

Januarysickandtired · 29/01/2023 17:38

Would you be able to buy the house with her jointly? I would be reluctant to give her the full deposit in case she decided to re-marry or just leave the house to someone else.

Your share would be more like a buy-to-let - you are named on the house and mortgage but your Mum pay's your share of the mortgage costs instead of rent.

Mrstwiddle · 29/01/2023 17:40

Isn't it very unlikely that she will get a mortgage at her age? Unless she has savings of her own and only needs a small mortgage I don't see it happening.

Hoppinggreen · 29/01/2023 17:40

What if her house has to be sold one day to pay for her care (if that happens in Ireland)? You could well get nothing

Dacadactyl · 29/01/2023 17:41

Mrstwiddle · 29/01/2023 17:40

Isn't it very unlikely that she will get a mortgage at her age? Unless she has savings of her own and only needs a small mortgage I don't see it happening.

This. She may get a mortgage til she's 70, but she won't get a 25 year mortgage at her age I shouldn't think.

Has she spoken with a mortgage adviser?

strawberry2017 · 29/01/2023 17:41

Unless she has a very good wage she's not going to get a mortgage for the amount she needs. She hasn't got enough working years left to pay it off.
In terms of your money I'm sure a solicitor could draft something protecting your money.

elloelloellooooo · 29/01/2023 17:42

Do it

ThreeLittleDots · 29/01/2023 17:42

Buy it with her jointly but only if you can very comfortably afford it. Otherwise the council may well swallow up the equity in care home fees.

MissMarplesbag · 29/01/2023 17:43

Check with the mortgage lenders that she'd actually be eligible for a mortgage. Most lenders don't want to lend past 65 years or pension age so if she's mid 50's now she might struggle to find a lender.

ThreeLittleDots · 29/01/2023 17:45

Just re-read that this will wipe out your savings - don't do it. You are not responsible for her.

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 29/01/2023 17:47

If this post was about a dh wanting to give his savings to his mother, answers would be very different. Honestly, you and your dh need to agree when spending this amount of family money.

LookingOldTheseDays · 29/01/2023 17:48

I would buy jointly with her. As joint tenants, you'd inherit the property when she dies anyway (in the UK, not sure about Ireland).

Otherwise, I wouldn't make assumptions about inheritance when you make this decision.

Your mum could remarry.
You say she has her head in the sand re: finances - what's her pension like? Will she need to use equity release to survive?
Is she actually earning enough to pay the mortgage off before she retires? She only has 10-15 years to do it.
Even if she ends up in a paid-off home with a suitable pension, she might need to sell it and use the proceeds to fund care fees.

LookingOldTheseDays · 29/01/2023 17:49

And if it wipes out your savings, absolutely do not do it.

You genuinely have no guarantee of seeing the money again. Which is fine if you're wealthy, but not if those are your only savings.

Murdoch1949 · 29/01/2023 17:50

Had you more than £20,000 savings and could therefore afford the loan, I would say loan it. But it's your whole savings. What if .... your house suddenly needs thousands of pounds of work, one of you has a serious accident and can't work, etc etc. Why not buy the house WITH your mum? This is something that can be discussed with a mortgage adviser to see if it's a possibility. You need to protect your money. Mum could meet a wastrel the day after after she buys the house, he moves in and takes her for every penny. Talk to your mum about your fears, that it is your only spare cash, that you will need it for your & your children's future so can't afford to lose it, but that you'd love to find a way to help. Then discuss options.

Notcontent · 29/01/2023 17:50

I would certainly do it, but I have been brought up to believe that family members should help each other if they can.

There are a few options you could explore:

give her the deposit money
buy it jointly with her
buy it alone (if she can’t get a mortgage) and she can give you money for the repayments

NeedToChangeName · 29/01/2023 17:51

It's a kind thought, but there is so much that could potentially go wrong, I hardly know where to start

If you're serious about this, you could look at getting independent legal advice about how to protect your investment

But, TBH, I wouldn't get involved. You say yourself that she's never been good with money. Why would you think that'll change in her mid 50s? I wouldn't touch this with a barge pole

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/01/2023 17:51

If you want to give your mum all your savings, with absolutely no guarantee of seeing them again, if that's worth it to you, do it.

However, she's not great with money, she's older, she's not managed to save before... She could have ill-health and the house is sold for care fees, she could remarry, she could do anything.

If you see it as a gift, NOT a loan, and you still want to, do. But don't be naive and assume you will see it back.

Nannydoodles · 29/01/2023 17:52

Apart from what others have already said about wether she will actually qualify for a mortgage at her age, you do need to consider that at only mid fifties she could well meet someone else and remarry - she may say now that she never,ever would but you can’t be totally sure and they could end up walking away with everything.
I would run it past a solicitor before agreeing anything and see what they suggest as you need to be able to protect what’s yours.

UserNameSameGame · 29/01/2023 17:52

Bloody hell! All the posters saying she won’t be able to get a mortgage in her 50s. What planet do people live on!?!

Providers will happily lend to whatever age you want to retire at, although some have additional questions if that goes past 70.

OP look to joint ownership, or have her put the proportion of the house you have funded into trust for you. That means it can’t be left to someone else or used to fund her care.

Cnidarian · 29/01/2023 17:54

You'd be mad to give away all your savings. There is a very real chance you will never see that money again, you would have to give it in full knowledge and acceptance of that.

meetmeatmidnights · 29/01/2023 17:56

I echo PP - the future is uncertain, what if she remarried and the house went to the husband, what if it needed to be sold to fund care etc.

I think if 20k is wiping out your savings and leaving you in a position of being totally reliant on your DH if anything goes wrong in your life, it's making you very vulnerable and I personally wouldn't do it.

America12 · 29/01/2023 17:57

What if she needs care ?

LadyEloise1 · 29/01/2023 17:58

I'd get legal advice and go with her to a mortgage broker.
It's a lovely idea but........

What if she's swept off her feet ?
What if you die before her ?
Have you children.
What if the house is needed to fund a nursing home for her - the Fair Deal scheme - how would that impact you if she was eligible?

Butterflyfluff · 29/01/2023 17:59

Providers will happily lend to whatever age you want to retire at, although some have additional questions if that goes past 70.

No they won’t - They only lend beyond state retirement age with details of a solid pension.

Do you honestly think lenders will lend to someone who has ‘stuck their head in the sand about finances /pension’ well into their 70s?

As others have said, based on the info given, it’s very unlikely the OP’s Mum would be able to get a mortgage on the balance, even if she does pay the €20k

Dacadactyl · 29/01/2023 17:59