To think this is really quite rude and inconsiderate of DH?

[Annoyedandhaveaheadache]

Or am I overreacting? We have a nearly two yo. Obviously he is a lot of work.

Since he was born every so often DH will go outside and I think it’s for a minute or two but then starts messing around in the garage. Sometimes it takes hours. So now I have been stuck in with ds, sorting his lunch etc.

If he said he needed to do something and gave me an idea that would be one thing but he doesn’t. It’s always just assumed I’m fine with sitting in with a toddler.

You need to just start doing it back

"Nipping to the shops, see you two later" and stay out at least a couple of hours.

“Sitting in with a toddler” is an odd phrase to use about your own child.

Do you get time to yourself too?

You can take the toddler with you and go into the garage to ask him what he's doing and how long he will be

Why do you both need to supervise a toddler? If you want to go somewhere, tell him then he can take his turn

Why are you passively letting this happen? Next time he does it, tell him to pause what he’s doing and do what is needed. People only treat you how you permit them to!

“Hey DH, just wondered what the fuck you are doing in the garage that’s taking hours while I do all the childcare????”

Just make sure you get time to yourself at weekends too OP.

Thanks for replies, it’s probably true that I’m being a bit overly grumpy and we don’t both need to sit in with a toddler. But there is a difference (I think anyway) in just sort of vanishing for ages and letting the other person know that’s what you’re planning to do, if that makes sense.

@CherieBabySpliffUp i know, but before I do anything I was wondering if I was just being grumpy and stupid. I mean he is only outside - it isn’t as if he’s actually gone anywhere in any great sense, it’s just it does leave you surprisingly feeling a bit helpless and stupid as you don’t know what’s going on! I do think the problem is generally DH tends to see something that needs doing and inevitably decides it must be done now, this very second, when it would be more sensible to wait for a good moment - but then I probably procrastinate more than I should!

Surely, put coat and wellies on toddler, take toddler by hand, say something along the lines of, 'shall we go and see what Daddy' s doing? ' go out to the garage and say, ' hi love, I need to get on with some bits now, so you need to come back in or entertain DC here'
But I'm probably missing something.

How far away is this garage?

You feel helpless because you’re acting helpless. Go and ask him what he’s doing and how long he’ll be fgs.

My H was the same. It’s the lack of communication which is the issue (or it was to me). He’d do a disappearing act, and although I did get time to myself, it seemed like as soon as my key turned in the lock to come back into the house he was off, job done, he’d done his bit. Almost like looking after his children was doing me an enormous favour yet when I did it it was just the natural order of things.

I tended just to shout for him whenever I needed a hand. I tried to deal with it at a deeper level but listening was never one of his strong points when it involved curtailing his own interests to any extent. I’m not saying that OP’s H is necessarily going to be so unaccommodating but that was my experience.

Just do it back. Go out before he does. Be back when you feel like it. And if you're thinking 'I can't do that' then have a think why not. Because he does.

What's stopping you leaving DS with his dad in the garage and popping out?

I often had to 'help' my dad doing gardening or sitting in the shed at that age because my mum was at work. Your DS will be fine.

I used to get this, well still do at times. Sounds silly and game playing but I just do it back or make a point of saying "I need a minute, I know you're doing.... but can you take/watch her".
Our little one is 6 now but I do feel on the whole its a mums life that totally changes not the mans. Of course it changes their life to a degree but I think they always have leverage where mums don't. It is tough but sometimes you've just got to make your point and make them make the time!

I get you, it's about being g the default parent. We tend to loosely plan out day in advance, so if DH wants to fuck off to his garage for an hour he let's me know and I have the chance to object.

You are the default parent as far as your DH is concerned. I think later you need to try and have an adult conversation about this. Many men try and avoid doing their share of parenting by doing other 'useful' tasks like gardening and DIY.

Lack of communication is very annoying. As is the assumption that you are the default parent and he is free to do as he likes unless specifically asked.

This is exactly what I used to do - basically called him out when he thought he could slope off to the shed for a couple of hours without an agreement on who was doing what.
Either take Dc there or text him and say what the hell are you doing?

Unless there’s a dripfeed coming that you can’t walk, what’s stopping you going out to the garage to ask what he’s doing in there? And why can’t you feed a toddler lunch without help, am I missing something?

I agree, he's treating you as default parent. I think it's rude not to mention if you're going out for hours - you're not flatmates!

I also think it'd be a bit passive-aggressive simply to mirror his behaviour though. I'd raise it explicitly. 'Look, DH, this weekend I really want a nap/a potter round the shops by myself/to curl up with a book without being disturbed, so can you take DS for a couple of hours?' If his response is anything other than 'yes, sure,' then you can point out he's been doing the same thing for quite a while and it's your turn.

(FWIW, my DP made life a whole lot more difficult when DD was a baby because she could not shake the idea that it was somehow terrible parenting to simply ask your partner if they can look after the child while you have some down time. I didn't randomly wander off, like your DP, but I did get very, very tired of her assuming she had to be 'on' all the time. I still sometimes have a hard time persuading her I am actively happy for her to go have a nap if she wants one, and genuinely enjoy the opportunity to do something one-to-one with DD.)

YANBU. My DP used to do that at weekends too. It used to make me fume as in those days I used to get 45 minutes to myself once a week. I changed it by taking up running and doing to a local fitness class.

What’s he doing in the garage

Let's go and find daddy!

Then go back into the house on your own and have a cup of tea

Toddlers love helping though, don't they. I'd send toddler out with their own toy tool kit

DH used to wander off into the garden. I soon invested in kids gardening tools.