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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end brother's relationship for him

40 replies

Olive180 · 29/01/2023 11:04

Brother (29) has a narcissistic girlfriend of 2 years and they live (rent) together. I believe she's been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

He's unhappy and exhausted and has wanted to end it for ages, but he's scared of her, to put it bluntly. He thinks she could kick off massively and also doesn't want to 'deal with her sad emotions.' He also feels guilty and sorry for her because she has no friends and a poor relationship with her family, so she has no other support. She's completely dependent on him.

Today he says he can't end the relationship and just hopes it fizzles out if he just gets on with his own life, and they start sleeping in separate rooms etc. He's now asked me to end it for him instead, and says he'll then move back with our parents.

I think this is insane, I'm not ending an adult man's relationship for him (for context he's the youngest sibling and used to everyone else in the family doing difficult things/taking responsibilities for him, he's quite immature).

Aibu to say no and tell him he has to grow up and end it? I think she's more likely to kick off (and rightly so) if I got involved! I'd be livid if DP's brother came over and ended our relationship.

OP posts:
ClassroomRunaway · 29/01/2023 11:05

Yanbu to say no to this. He needs to find a way to break it off with her. If he is concerned about her reaction, he could do it in a public place?

newnamethanks · 29/01/2023 11:09

What a pair. Stay well out of it. If he's old enough to climb into her bed then he's old enough to deal with it himself. YANBU.

Bemyclementine · 29/01/2023 11:09

What does he want you to do exactly?? Coukd you be there to support him maybe?

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 29/01/2023 11:10

YANBU. He needs to grow a pair and end it himself.

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 29/01/2023 11:12

He is being unreasonable

It's hard to break up with someone and it sucks knowing your going to hurt them but, you've gotta do what you've gotta do.

The only help I would be giving is to help him move his shit out whilst she's at work. Maybe offer to be vaguely present whilst he breaks up with her in a public place so he has a reason to not draw it out.

If he is worried about where she will live he could give the required number of months notice on the house they rent and pay the rent up till then if he can afford it? Not possible for many I know.

whumpthereitis · 29/01/2023 11:13

he could have legitimate reason to fear her reaction. You don’t need to do it for him, but you could offer to be there to support him/act as a witness.

Christmaspyjamas · 29/01/2023 11:13

I'd add that if this his level of emotional responsibility that I'd be sceptical of some of the claims he has made about the girlfriend. This is a highly unusual suggestion and it is manipulative in that it seeks to make you responsible for his happiness and his girlfriend's reaction.

Sapphire387 · 29/01/2023 11:13

He sounds like he is afraid of her.

I would consider being present to help him move out of the house.

VyeBrator · 29/01/2023 11:14

Weird that he should ask his big sister to end his relationship for him, and also weird his big sister should need to ask if it's unreasonable not to do it!

MissMarplesbag · 29/01/2023 11:15

Your brother needs professional advice on how to leave his relationship safely so that he isn't accused of being the abuser. Get in touch with Respect, the domestic abuse helpline for men experiencing abuse and coercive control.

Annoyingwurringnoise · 29/01/2023 11:16

No, you shouldn’t end his relationship for him, you can’t end his relationship for him, and no, it won’t fizzle out on its own. None of it works anything like any of that.

MissMarplesbag · 29/01/2023 11:16

mensadviceline.org.uk/

bellsbuss · 29/01/2023 11:19

It sounds like he's scared of how she will react , could you offer to be close by when he does it ?

rwalker · 29/01/2023 11:20

He’s frightened of her and she sounds manipulative and probably abusive

shame as a man he doesn’t get the same support as a woman would

he needs to leave can return to your parents offer to help him move out

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/01/2023 11:22

I really think he needs to end it himself. Things don’t just fizzle out, especially when you’re living with the person you have to actively do something to make it end.

You could offer to be there with him.

But what is he scared she will do? Would it help to have a sort of coaching session with him to go through it?

the80sweregreat · 29/01/2023 11:27

I agree he needs a witness around as she might start changing the story or even getting him into trouble , especially as she has become so dependent on him. Even as a bit of support there. You'd do it for a sister I'm sure

ThreeLittleDots · 29/01/2023 11:45

Unless you're 100% sure she isn't violent or abusive I'd try to help him this time.

ThreeLittleDots · 29/01/2023 11:47

But this doesn't need you physically going over there does it? He'll just leave with his things one day and let her know why, surely?

Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 29/01/2023 11:51

Would you do it if he was your sister? I too have a brother like this, it is ridiculous that he can't end it himself, but the fact remains he is unable to end it himself. I think I would help him or be present when he does it himself so she doesn't kick off. There is a possibility if you do it without him, he could backtrack and say you were pushing him to do it. I would still help though

Ponoka7 · 29/01/2023 11:55

"He thinks she could kick off massively"

If he was female would we all say that she has to tell him that it's over? Abusers kill their partners at the point that they want to leave. This has happened to men as well as women. If he has to defend himself physically then as said, he will be seen as the perpetrator and it will have a massive effect on the rest of his life, even if he keeps out of prison.
I'd do anything within the law to get a relative out of the relationship. You only know what he's told you, there'll be loads more happening behind closed doors.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/01/2023 11:59

I might come across as horrible but I think it is fundamentally different when it’s a woman abusing a man, or a man feeling like your brother feels however you cut it.

However horrible she makes him feel with her words and behaviour- and I agree he should leave - her “massively kicking off doesn’t mean she could kill him, for example. Unless she has a gun or something, which seems rather extreme.

So yes, he may need moral support, and yes it is a horrible situation for him, but he doesn’t have to fear for his life in ending the relationship. That’s why the same level of outside intervention isn’t really available.

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 29/01/2023 12:09

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/01/2023 11:59

I might come across as horrible but I think it is fundamentally different when it’s a woman abusing a man, or a man feeling like your brother feels however you cut it.

However horrible she makes him feel with her words and behaviour- and I agree he should leave - her “massively kicking off doesn’t mean she could kill him, for example. Unless she has a gun or something, which seems rather extreme.

So yes, he may need moral support, and yes it is a horrible situation for him, but he doesn’t have to fear for his life in ending the relationship. That’s why the same level of outside intervention isn’t really available.

You have got to be kidding me.

Women have killed their husbands and partners before. Only last year around the corner from me a woman stabbed her husband 40 odd times in the chest.

Women can and do kill.

WaltzingWaters · 29/01/2023 12:10

He needs to be the one to end it. But you could be there to support him through it, maybe he is genuinely afraid of how she will react.

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 29/01/2023 12:10

Here is a ready example from a simple Google www.sthelensstar.co.uk/news/23055125.woman-murdered-boyfriend-tragic-domestic-abuse-case/

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/01/2023 12:11

Sapphire387 · Today 11:13
He sounds like he is afraid of her.

I would consider being present to help him move out of the house“

Agree with this.

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