To end brother's relationship for him

[Olive180]

Brother (29) has a narcissistic girlfriend of 2 years and they live (rent) together. I believe she's been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

He's unhappy and exhausted and has wanted to end it for ages, but he's scared of her, to put it bluntly. He thinks she could kick off massively and also doesn't want to 'deal with her sad emotions.' He also feels guilty and sorry for her because she has no friends and a poor relationship with her family, so she has no other support. She's completely dependent on him.

Today he says he can't end the relationship and just hopes it fizzles out if he just gets on with his own life, and they start sleeping in separate rooms etc. He's now asked me to end it for him instead, and says he'll then move back with our parents.

I think this is insane, I'm not ending an adult man's relationship for him (for context he's the youngest sibling and used to everyone else in the family doing difficult things/taking responsibilities for him, he's quite immature).

Aibu to say no and tell him he has to grow up and end it? I think she's more likely to kick off (and rightly so) if I got involved! I'd be livid if DP's brother came over and ended our relationship.

Me too. This is what he needs

A man that wet is as much of the problem. Stay out of it.

And Tbf… him moving out of the house IS fairly obviously ending the relationship

from that first step, he’ll get momentum to cut ties and extract himself

he will need to cut all avenues of contact and be serious about protecting himself and others from her. Police must be called if she threatens violence

Another shining example of MN always blaming the man, would you be calling a woman wet if she was scared to leave her DP? no she'd be told to call police/ woman's aid etc
OP, I'd offer moral support, be there when he needs to physically leave, that way he has your support and a witness to anything that occurs. Worse case he moves out when she's at work.

I would offer to be there while he told her, and for support. Sounds like he is afraid of her. He is asking you for help, why wouldn't you?

Yeah, I'd help him to get out of the relationship. I'd help my sister in this situation too. I suppose some people think this would be an easy thing to do but I've been at the sharp end of narcissistic rage and being immobilised by the scatter gun of tactics to keep you in line.

Leaving an abusive relationship is extremely difficult. I would help him as much as I could.

I’m not saying don’t help him, that it isn’t awful when men are abused or that there’s anything wrong with him.

Im just saying it isn’t exactly the same as when a man is abusive to a woman. The power balance is different.

It was in answer to a poster who said why are there more resources for women - should have quoted that.

I know it’s difficult to leave an EA relationship because I have.

I'd be there with him (and his stuff packed in car ready to go) when he tells her it's over.

Obviously he should pay his share of the rented property for a reasonable period (2 months perhaps, depending on the rental contract) so she isn't financially buggered.

And my advice would be the same if a woman needed or wanted to leave a man.

I think he needs help with this. However, I definitely don't think you should break the news on his behalf.

What are the practicalities, him leave and her keep the flat? You could help him figure out the steps- pack and remove all his stuff, discuss the situation with the lettings agent and see what he needs to do to get his name off the tenancy agreement. If she will be left in a sticky spot financially then he could arrange to pay notice on the flat. This might lessen the likelihood of her causing problems for him.

Maybe be present when he does end things, or encourage him to leave a letter or call instead. If he feels coerced or manipulated then this isn't an ordinary breakup.

Remind him that it's not his responsibility that she doesn't have many other people in her life.

Given the context of the full post, I stand by it. He is being wet and wants someone to do the dirty work.

What he is articulating, which OP seems to think as well, is that he just wants to bury his head in the sand. Hes scared of "dealing with her sad emotions". Many women have been dumped the way he seems to want to, by letting it fizzle out.

He could ask for advice on ending it. He could end it in a public space. He could ask the police if she has a history of violence. He could ask family around while he moves his stuff out. He could book a hotel room or arrange to couch surf.

Calling someone a victim blamer for having an opinion and telling them to play in traffic is rude and bullying so have a word with yourself.