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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Over sensitive about doctor?

41 replies

SuperSleepyBaby · 29/01/2023 08:54

i just had a covid booster

The vaccinator - who introduced himself as a doctor - greeted me by saying ‘hello, my lovely”.

He called me my lovely again - ‘dear lady’ twice.

i am in my 40’s and when he was checking my date of birth he made a joke about how i was 21.

He probably was trying to be friendly but i just found it mildly creepy. any one of the comments alone would not really bother me but it was everything he said seemed to end with ‘my lovely’ or ‘dear lady’.

As he leaned his hand on to me to give me the vaccine i just felt like i wanted him to get it off.

i also felt like he was assuming i was a bit thick - and would like being called lovely.

i’m not sure how he would speak to male patients.

I’v had encounters over the years with men -like many woman have - that make me feel cautious. When i was 11 a man flashed at me and a group of girls while we were in the yard at school - he pulled up in his car and revved his engine to get us to come over. When i was about 15, i was watching a busker in a crowd - a man stood really close behind me and started rubbing up against me, pretending he was dancing to the music. I thought i was imagining it - but it got more obvious - i turned around to him and he immediately ran off. There were various other incidents too over the years.

i considered sending some feedback about the doctor - not a complaint as such bit just explaining why it is not the right way to speak to patients. Then i imagine the people receiving the complaint rolling their eyes about how over-sensitive i might sound.

So AIBU to find this inappropriate?

OP posts:
RedCarsGoFaster · 29/01/2023 09:01

Sounds like a regional variation of basic chit chat and engaging with you.

I use "my lovely", I'm aware of lots of others - love, lover, bird etc - all used by and for men and women in the South West.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/01/2023 09:04

I wouldn’t like it much. If you’re finding him creepy and he is a creep, it’s probably useful that you’re on alert.

lljkk · 29/01/2023 09:06

Did the doctor who gave you the jab need to lean his land on your to give you the jab? I think answer must be yes.

I dunno. Thing about getting older is I pick my battles, I don't get so het up. So what if the doctor was weirdly patronising. It's a 3 minute relationship and he's got a tedious job to do, I dunno think I'd mind if he put on a strange personality to help make it less tedious.

Riverlee · 29/01/2023 09:07

The ‘my lovely’ phrase isn’t anything to worry about, it’s just a phrase some people use without thinking. He’s just as likely saying it to a 80 year old, as a 20 year old.

Original poster
SuperSleepyBaby · 29/01/2023 09:09

I suppose i’m thinking about him talking like that to other women or younger ones.

He probably did need to lean his hand on me - but with other doctors/nurses who are more professional I hardly notice if they lean their hand on me and dont care - with him, i was aware of it and didnt like it

OP posts:
Original poster
SuperSleepyBaby · 29/01/2023 09:10

Do male doctors who use ‘my lovely’ call male patients that too?

OP posts:
Patineur · 29/01/2023 09:11

Raising an issue about being called "My lovely" or "Dear lady" is going to make you sound a bit batshit, I'm afraid.

Dogsgottabone · 29/01/2023 09:15

Oh it's very over familiar.

I loathe it when HCPs refer to you in a over familiar way. It is patronising.

Bubblebubblebah · 29/01/2023 09:22

I gotta ask, waa he by any chance non native speaker?
I have friends (men and women) from various places and few of them use "my lovely" a lot and the "dear lady" is familiar as well. Funnily they use similar thing on men as well not just women, but they usually keep it in their language. It's cute.

I don't think it's appropriate feedback tbh considering you are in your head comparing him to a flasher....

MrsFinkelstein · 29/01/2023 09:27

Bubblebubblebah · 29/01/2023 09:22

I gotta ask, waa he by any chance non native speaker?
I have friends (men and women) from various places and few of them use "my lovely" a lot and the "dear lady" is familiar as well. Funnily they use similar thing on men as well not just women, but they usually keep it in their language. It's cute.

I don't think it's appropriate feedback tbh considering you are in your head comparing him to a flasher....

That's the first thing that came to my mind too.

Yes, YABU. It was a 5 min encounter and you're never going to see him again.

Move all the way on.

inloveandmarried · 29/01/2023 09:30

Just reading and also thought was he non native speaker?

Maybe the cultural boundaries are a bit blurred. He sounds as though he was trying to be kind and out you at ease.

Regionally, in some areas you wouldn't bat an eye lid with this. In other areas you would. I've been called 'me duck' and 'my lover' before now!

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 29/01/2023 09:38

I find it patronising drivel too, and it’s pretty common in the NHS. It enrages me when staff young enough to be my grandchildren call older people “luvvie” and say “oh bless” and “have we opened our bowels today?” (Well I have, I don’t know about you though).

But I’ve caught myself calling everyone under 30 “sweetheart” recently.

Ageism rules OK.

Original poster
SuperSleepyBaby · 29/01/2023 09:39

He was likely trying to be kind but he didnt put me at ease .

i get there can be cultural issues and i could be picking him up the wring way - but i suppose he needs to learn the cultural norms here? Medical professionals in this country arent so over familiar generally. Once, when i was getting major surgery and terrified - the nurse with me before i went in was really kind and basically acted like a mother - but in those circumstances I was grateful!

When i was abroad - in places with very different cultures- i tried to fit in - although probably often unintentionally got things wrong.

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 29/01/2023 09:40

Not understand what the flasher or guy at the busker has to deal with the Dr?

MichelleScarn · 29/01/2023 09:42

Remember a Bristolian nurse who would say 'alright my luvver' and there's so many colloquialisms in the UK that I find fascinating
'Cock, duck, quine, loun, to name but a few, so could have been that'?

Bubblebubblebah · 29/01/2023 09:45

MichelleScarn · 29/01/2023 09:42

Remember a Bristolian nurse who would say 'alright my luvver' and there's so many colloquialisms in the UK that I find fascinating
'Cock, duck, quine, loun, to name but a few, so could have been that'?

Exactly. You have to learn "cultural norms" every 50 miles😂

NotAMartyr · 29/01/2023 09:47

I don’t know. I think sometimes our instincts as women are correct and they are there for a reason. But in your case it would be hard to put something concrete down to feed back.

I hate all these names. I don’t want to be called pet names by strangers. Including dear, love, sweetheart, duck, lovely, darling, cock, pet etc. It makes me cringe so much.

lennylion · 29/01/2023 09:48

My female doctor used "my dear" with me a lot a couple of weeks ago. Was a bit weird but looking at the intent behind it I could understand it

2022again · 29/01/2023 09:50

its a good idea to send feedback as it sounds like he really peed u off but i'm an ex-hcp living in the southwest and likewise fell into calling people my lovely. i've worked in various parts of the UK, i pick up accents really(embarrassingly!) easily and always end up picking up the local vernacular ( not uncommon in some areas of the north for men to call other men love even!) ....i get it could be really annoying and perceived as patronising but for me it comes from a place of caring and wanting to make someone feel at ease, i often changed my tone and communication approach depending on the situation but ideally hcps' should be aware of how their approach and communication style is making the person feel.

WilsonMilson · 29/01/2023 09:52

Patronising and cringeworthy, but not creepy.

On another note, who on earth in their 40’s is still getting covid boosters?

MrsFinkelstein · 29/01/2023 09:53

SuperSleepyBaby · 29/01/2023 09:39

He was likely trying to be kind but he didnt put me at ease .

i get there can be cultural issues and i could be picking him up the wring way - but i suppose he needs to learn the cultural norms here? Medical professionals in this country arent so over familiar generally. Once, when i was getting major surgery and terrified - the nurse with me before i went in was really kind and basically acted like a mother - but in those circumstances I was grateful!

When i was abroad - in places with very different cultures- i tried to fit in - although probably often unintentionally got things wrong.

So he was a non native speaker.

I think you're putting your previous experiences onto this man.

What feedback can you give that frankly won't make you sound like a loon?

We get complaints about being too clinical and unfeeling, then we get them for being over familiar.

No wonder NHS staff are chucking in the towel. I'm verr near at that point myself (and that's a local colloquialism). We can't bloody win.

ReedRite · 29/01/2023 09:55

It’s over familiar and patronising. Unfortunately quite a lot of doctors (hospital ones mainly, rather than GPs) do seem to assume their patients are very thick and can be spoken to as though they are 8.

I would think the intent behind it is to put you at ease, but I agree it’s not appropriate. I’m not sure it warrants a letter though. If you have to see him again, you could perhaps say something like ‘I prefer to be addressed as Ms X, Dr Y’.

lennylion · 29/01/2023 09:55

SuperSleepyBaby · 29/01/2023 09:39

He was likely trying to be kind but he didnt put me at ease .

i get there can be cultural issues and i could be picking him up the wring way - but i suppose he needs to learn the cultural norms here? Medical professionals in this country arent so over familiar generally. Once, when i was getting major surgery and terrified - the nurse with me before i went in was really kind and basically acted like a mother - but in those circumstances I was grateful!

When i was abroad - in places with very different cultures- i tried to fit in - although probably often unintentionally got things wrong.

This isn't a radical idea but if you felt uncomfortable maybe try saying so. I do understand how it can be difficult (I swear I do and have good reason) but sometimes a strong "fuck off and where is my fucking chaperone" gets the job done.

Original poster
SuperSleepyBaby · 29/01/2023 09:57

WilsonMilson · 29/01/2023 09:52

Patronising and cringeworthy, but not creepy.

On another note, who on earth in their 40’s is still getting covid boosters?

Me, and many other people, are getting boosters. I was offered one as i’m on a treatment which lowers my immunity

OP posts:
Original poster
SuperSleepyBaby · 29/01/2023 09:58

lennylion - i suppose i didn’t want to say anything as he was about to stick a needle in me!

OP posts: