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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Over sensitive about doctor?

41 replies

SuperSleepyBaby · 29/01/2023 08:54

i just had a covid booster

The vaccinator - who introduced himself as a doctor - greeted me by saying ‘hello, my lovely”.

He called me my lovely again - ‘dear lady’ twice.

i am in my 40’s and when he was checking my date of birth he made a joke about how i was 21.

He probably was trying to be friendly but i just found it mildly creepy. any one of the comments alone would not really bother me but it was everything he said seemed to end with ‘my lovely’ or ‘dear lady’.

As he leaned his hand on to me to give me the vaccine i just felt like i wanted him to get it off.

i also felt like he was assuming i was a bit thick - and would like being called lovely.

i’m not sure how he would speak to male patients.

I’v had encounters over the years with men -like many woman have - that make me feel cautious. When i was 11 a man flashed at me and a group of girls while we were in the yard at school - he pulled up in his car and revved his engine to get us to come over. When i was about 15, i was watching a busker in a crowd - a man stood really close behind me and started rubbing up against me, pretending he was dancing to the music. I thought i was imagining it - but it got more obvious - i turned around to him and he immediately ran off. There were various other incidents too over the years.

i considered sending some feedback about the doctor - not a complaint as such bit just explaining why it is not the right way to speak to patients. Then i imagine the people receiving the complaint rolling their eyes about how over-sensitive i might sound.

So AIBU to find this inappropriate?

OP posts:
CleanBedding · 29/01/2023 09:59

I would ask myself 'would he say that to a man?) and if the answer is no (as in this case) he can fuck off with his patronising belittling banter.

Emmamoo89 · 29/01/2023 10:00

I would find it creepy. Always trust your instincts

twitterexile · 29/01/2023 10:02

I would find this creepy and you just know that he would never address a man in this way. Your gut feeling is never to be ignored.

WhatALotOfAFussAboutNothing · 29/01/2023 10:02

WilsonMilson · 29/01/2023 09:52

Patronising and cringeworthy, but not creepy.

On another note, who on earth in their 40’s is still getting covid boosters?

Lots of people who have lowered immunity are. For those of us with underlying conditions COVID isn’t a thing of the past!

Original poster
SuperSleepyBaby · 29/01/2023 10:04

I can’t imagine him calling me husband ‘dear man’ and ‘my lovely’ repeatedly. And making a joke that my husband is a 21 year old.

It felt patronising as well as being mildly creepy.

I think he can be friendly in a more appropriate way.

Anyway, i won’t bother sending feedback

OP posts:
Bubblebubblebah · 29/01/2023 10:04

CleanBedding · 29/01/2023 09:59

I would ask myself 'would he say that to a man?) and if the answer is no (as in this case) he can fuck off with his patronising belittling banter.

He probably would!
Eeeeveryone is habibi/habibti for my DH and most of his friends😂

singlefish · 29/01/2023 10:06

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

I think you can give some constructive feedback that doesn’t necessarily sound like a complaint. Just say how you understand he was trying to put you at ease, but it made you feel patronised.

Health professionals are supposed to be trained on how to interact with patients.

It’s important! If you feel uncomfortable, then he’s obviously not going to get you to divulge personal information that could be key to a diagnosis.

obviously- no harm done when it’s just a vaccine, but what about the next person ( women) ?

there’s also a real issue with women being talked to like this. If he’s foreign, you can virtually guarantee he’s from a country where women are valued as less then.

ok - so it’s a small thing, but these ‘small things’ are the attitudes and behaviours that lead to women receiving poorer care, not being believed, getting paid less etc etc.

Abraxan · 29/01/2023 10:07

SuperSleepyBaby · 29/01/2023 09:10

Do male doctors who use ‘my lovely’ call male patients that too?

Depends on where you are in the country. In some regions phrases such as my lover, my lovely, love, duck, chuck, etc are used by and to men and women, often to all adults, young and old.

Only you know how you felt though and if it felt inappropriate to you, you can report that behaviour or avoid the same doctor in the future.

Original poster
SuperSleepyBaby · 29/01/2023 10:07

I had a taxi driver too years ago making mildly inappropriate comments. I would sound over sensitive if i made a complaint- but when I was trapped in a car with a strange man i felt very uneasy.

OP posts:
UnfinishedBusiness · 29/01/2023 10:14

This rather makes me sad. I’m a nurse, originally from the north. I can imagine saying all those things (to a man or woman) in a friendly, put you at ease sort of way. Nice to know I’m being patronising and creepy.

Original poster
SuperSleepyBaby · 29/01/2023 10:19

UnfinishedBusiness - well you have to think about how you the patients feel too - not just how you feel?

Maybe most people like this type of interaction and i am out of line - but to be honest when it is a male doctor being over familiar and i am alone with him - i do feel uneasy - based on various interactions with creepy men over the years.

i do know he was probably just trying to be friendly but there is a more professional to go about it?

OP posts:
gingergiraffe · 29/01/2023 10:29

I am rapidly going off my hairdresser and colourist who I have been going to for years. Lately they keep calling their customers ‘lovely.’ I find it intensely irritating and patronising when addressed to me. It seems so fake and unnecessary. They are nice people though but must think they sound welcoming and friendly.

Trez1510 · 29/01/2023 10:32

UnfinishedBusiness · 29/01/2023 10:14

This rather makes me sad. I’m a nurse, originally from the north. I can imagine saying all those things (to a man or woman) in a friendly, put you at ease sort of way. Nice to know I’m being patronising and creepy.

I'm a nervous patient, evidenced by my nervous chatter when in a consultation / treatment situation.

What's got me through more of these situations than I care to remember are nurses like you offering friendly reassurance.

Please don't change. 👍

Parisj · 29/01/2023 10:53

I am on the fence. Yes, it is likely an example of everyday sexism. But health professionals - and humans - are not all the same and I don't want them to be.
Even from my position on the fence I can't even think of a way that you could assertively address it that wouldn't make you a bit of an arse imo. But its ok to kick up a stink about things that bother you, so do if it feels important, preferably face to face at the time although I recognise that power imbalances and the vulnerability of the situation do make that hard. A lot of clinics do gather feedback comments which would be an easy way to share your thoughts.

twitterexile · 29/01/2023 11:08

The 'joking' about being 21 is the worst part. That crossed lines imo and is completely inappropriate.

BettyUnderswoob · 29/01/2023 11:27

OP, That does sound annoying, and not like my experiences (all my vaxxers have been women, all polite, efficient, and getting on with things, with no terms of endearment or touching) but I don't think it's worth raising any complaint over.

sometimes a strong "fuck off and where is my fucking chaperone" gets the job done.

I doubt it. Swearing at, or verbal abuse of, your HCPs is a monumentally stupid idea and likely to see you escorted out of the premises without treatment.

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