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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be angry

57 replies

Aussiemum777 · 29/01/2023 00:28

At the start of December 22 of my husband and I experienced a life threatening crisis which is ongoing with my FIL. He was admitted to a Hospital 2 hrs away which he remains to this day. I only have my brother and SIL nearby. I asked my brother and SIL if they would be able to have my 12 yr old son over a couple of times during the 6 weeks of school holidays as he would be home alone a lot. Since we needed to be at hospital, work and husband working too (my husband could only get one week off due to shortages and I was the only staff in My office over the break due others on leave and sick with COVID) I called and explained the situation to both of them, called In personally and messaged. They didn’t offer to help out so I thought I would directly ask them. They have a son the same age and they get on well and both enjoy biking. When I asked them both if my son could come over a couple of time they replied they they would see what they have on and get back to me. That was 7 weeks ago and I have had no contact from then since (apart from Xmas day gathering) not even to ask how FIL is. On Xmas day as a group we were talking and they knew that my son would be home alone on 28/12 and they in this conversation they said they had nothing on but instead of asking if my son would like to come over they invited my cousin over for drinks. They have been quite cold and rude multiple times over the years. Am I overreacting by being angry?

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 29/01/2023 00:38

So you’re mad about something the did or didn’t do a month ago and for the last couple of years being cold to you? I’ll confess I didn’t really follow your post at all. What does Covid have to do with anything?

minou123 · 29/01/2023 00:49

I'm a little confused aswell, sorry Op.

When you say
I asked my brother and SIL if they would be able to have my 12 yr old son over a couple of times during the 6 weeks of school holidays as he would be home alone a lot

I presumed you mean the long 6 week summer holiday that'll start in June/July.
Which would then make sense that they haven't been in touch to sort out anything yet because we are still only in January

Could they have misunderstood?

Although saying that, it is poor they haven't checked in to see how your FIL is.

minou123 · 29/01/2023 00:52

Actually ignore me!

Just clocked your username is Aussiemum, so presumably your in Australia and you have 6 week holiday in Dec/Jan time.

Sorry.

Merryoldgoat · 29/01/2023 01:18

They have been quite cold and rude multiple times over the years. Am I overreacting by being angry?

If you know them to be cold and rude why would you expect anything else?

We’d all be a lot better off if we actually took notice of what people are really like instead of projecting some idealised version of them.

ThinWomansBrain · 29/01/2023 01:22

so they didn't want to provide free childcare for your son but didn't like to say an outright "no" so avoided the question.
You asked, they weren't keen - are there alternatives like holiday clubs?
I think YABU to be hacked off about it.

Ineedcoffee2021 · 29/01/2023 04:13

YABU
people dont owe free childcare
In Aus we all know 'a couple times' could mean more than 2, likely 3 or 4 - no way id agree to that. Too open ended and open for exploiting "oh got in late from work, is it ok to pick him up tomorrow?'

Did you offer to give them money? buy tickets to an event for the kids? or just wanna dump and run?

You say they been cold at times over the years, maybe your not as close as you think

Kitkatcatflap · 29/01/2023 04:46

I don't blame you for being angry. Knowing your FIL is in hospital, trying to navigate working and visiting it would have been nice if they'd have said - of course he can come over. A 12 year old hanging out with his cousin of a similar age is not exactly childcare.

Hope. Your FIL gets better

Warspite · 29/01/2023 04:58

In times of crisis families should pull together. Could it be that your sons school is too far away for them to incorporate his run into their routines or something logistical like that? Is there more to this than you’ve told us?

I’m sorry you have this worry and hope you FIL will make a good recovery.

Just bide your time. One day your DB. might need something from
you. If he can’t help you and your DH. now, then you know what your answer will be. What goes around, comes around.

NumberTheory · 29/01/2023 05:14

There’s no point in being angry, OP.

I get why you are. It would have been really easy for them to provide some distraction for your DS which would have gone a long way to making you feel easier about him being alone so much over the holiday. He’s your brother, not a stranger. Etc. I think, barring something else going on you haven’t mentioned, it was really unfeeling of them not to offer some support for your DS.

But you can’t change them. This isn’t the first time they’ve shown you their colours. You need to adjust the way you think about them/interact with them. It is a huge shame when people won’t pull together when you need them. But it doesn’t help you to be angry about it.

Original poster
Aussiemum777 · 29/01/2023 06:17

Considering I have helped them out and had their kids many times over the years. For free. Plus as it was an emergency situation and no childcare available. I was only hoping them to have him maybe 1 or 2 days for a few hours for company.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aussiemum777 · 29/01/2023 06:21

Considering I have helped them out and had their kids many times over the years. For free. Have never once asked anything from them ever. Plus as it was an emergency situation and no childcare available. I was only hoping them to have him maybe 1 or 2 days for a few hours for company. He gets on well with his. Oisin the same age both 12 yrs old.

OP posts:
MissTrip82 · 29/01/2023 06:24

minou123 · 29/01/2023 00:49

I'm a little confused aswell, sorry Op.

When you say
I asked my brother and SIL if they would be able to have my 12 yr old son over a couple of times during the 6 weeks of school holidays as he would be home alone a lot

I presumed you mean the long 6 week summer holiday that'll start in June/July.
Which would then make sense that they haven't been in touch to sort out anything yet because we are still only in January

Could they have misunderstood?

Although saying that, it is poor they haven't checked in to see how your FIL is.

oh I assumed the OP was in the southern hemisphere?

We’re just finishing our six weeks of school holidays.

I’m sorry this has been so stressful and you feel unsupported. Sometimes a crisis shows you who you can count on and the news isn’t always good.

Original poster
Aussiemum777 · 29/01/2023 06:26

Considering I have helped them out and had their kids many times over the years. For free. Have never once asked anything from them ever! I am not that sort of person. Plus as it is an emergency situation and no childcare available. He gets on well with his cousin also 12 so they would just amuse themselves anyway. I was only hoping them to have him maybe 1 or 2 days for a few hours for company. My son is also struggling with anxiety which they know about too.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 29/01/2023 06:45

Is there any chance the cousins don’t get on as well as you think? As people have said above, unfortunately not everyone steps up when you need them, there may be a reason, there may not. You may need to figure out some form of classes or camp or something

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 29/01/2023 06:52

Maybe they mess about or don't behave very well together?

Maybe your brother and his family had their own plans and didn't want to have your DS tag along with people he didn't know?

Who knows. But there's no need to get angry - just don't do as many favours for them in the future if it bothers you so much.

Calphurnia88 · 29/01/2023 07:24

I can see why you're disappointed, especially if you've helped them out with childcare previously.

Do you feel close enough to ask your brother if there's a reason why they didn't get back to you on this? As PP said, is it possible that DS and his cousin don't get on well together? In your position I would probably press for more information.

FindingMeno · 29/01/2023 07:27

I'd be pissed off.
Yanbu.

Original poster
Aussiemum777 · 29/01/2023 07:59

Just answering a few questions. they only 10mins up the road and yes the cousins get along exceptionally well. They also have a 9 yr old that loves my son. There is no school on as in Australia we are just finishing up 6 weeks holiday. They have not been away anywhere, just hanging at home. My son is polite and quiet and has been struggling with the anxiety which i had told them about before this crisis happened as it has been a worry. I have helped them out in the past and made effort to get the kids together and inviting them over and taking them out and never asked them for help EVER as I am not that sort of person and never asked them for anything. I was unable to get him into any camps or childcare as the crisis happened when school was just about to break up! And everything fully booked. My parents would normally help but are overseas for 3 months. The crisis is still ongoing and FIL will not get better, it was a sudden and extreme emergency situation and literally a crisis!! We had to drop everything and race into hospital. He is still in hospital which is 2 hrs away. School is back in 1 day and don’t need any help now, i simply asked them so my son could just spend a few hours maybe a day or so for his own mental health reasons for company, for a break from being alone for 6 weeks. COVID doesn’t have anything to do this it, what I said was I couldn’t get time off as i was the only one in the office as staff on leave and off sick with COVID additionally, I just started this a new job. The staff off sick had severe COVID and were off for a month. My husband could only get 1 weeks leave due to staff shortages too. On top I will add that my 22 year old is in Europe and my brother has been messaging her though asking her to buy him something Europe. I know they have had other people over, SIL doesn’t work either. I was waiting to hear from them as they knew the situation was extreme and tragic but I have not heard from them for 6 weeks. I am feeling really heartbroken and hurt

OP posts:
Calphurnia88 · 29/01/2023 08:22

I'm not surprised you're feeling hurt OP.

Do you feel able to have an honest conversation with your brother? Would it make you feel better to get things out in the open? I'm not sure you have anything to lose, provided you have the energy.

FlippityFlippityFlop · 29/01/2023 08:28

Yanbu. Family should help each other out. And what they asked for was tiny. But now they have shown their colours - back away from them and only engage when you want to.

Sceptre86 · 29/01/2023 08:41

It's sad when close family can't be relied upon but if you are upset with them you need to talk to them about it. Firstly stop going out of your way and facilitating a relationship between the cousins when they aren't arsed about it. Your child has a sibling and presumably friends, if he doesn't have a relatives with his cousins it isn't the end of the world. You stop being a martyr now.

Is your dh an only child? What I'm asking is why you needed to be at the hospital and if there was a sibling who could be there instead?

If I were in this situation I'd phone my brother and explain that his thoughtlessness was very hurtful and that you were upset he couldn't help your family when needed. I'd also say that clearly he doesn't value the relationship in the same way you do so you'd be taking a step back. I'd also probably ask him to stop annoyong/pestering/asking your dd to get him stuff whilst away and why he thinks she should when he wouldn't do the same? Be blunt and honest and see what his comeback is? it isn't up to your sil just because she is a sa to help, the onus should be on your brother to help his sibling and also appreciate that you have helped them.

Original poster
Aussiemum777 · 29/01/2023 09:43

yes husband is an only child as his brother passed away many years ago.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/01/2023 09:47

Yanbu to be hurt. Did you chase them at all? Any follow up? I think it sounds like they owed you so I wouldn't have felt bad about messaging again to say 'just checking what days are best for you to have x over, he is looking forward to it, is tuesday ok?'

Floraanddougal · 29/01/2023 10:19

You say In your last post your son was alone for 6 weeks , who normally cares for him during the holidays?

Liorae · 29/01/2023 10:29

Kitkatcatflap · 29/01/2023 04:46

I don't blame you for being angry. Knowing your FIL is in hospital, trying to navigate working and visiting it would have been nice if they'd have said - of course he can come over. A 12 year old hanging out with his cousin of a similar age is not exactly childcare.

Hope. Your FIL gets better

That very much depends on the kid. A demanding 12 yr old is a pain.