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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be angry

57 replies

Aussiemum777 · 29/01/2023 00:28

At the start of December 22 of my husband and I experienced a life threatening crisis which is ongoing with my FIL. He was admitted to a Hospital 2 hrs away which he remains to this day. I only have my brother and SIL nearby. I asked my brother and SIL if they would be able to have my 12 yr old son over a couple of times during the 6 weeks of school holidays as he would be home alone a lot. Since we needed to be at hospital, work and husband working too (my husband could only get one week off due to shortages and I was the only staff in My office over the break due others on leave and sick with COVID) I called and explained the situation to both of them, called In personally and messaged. They didn’t offer to help out so I thought I would directly ask them. They have a son the same age and they get on well and both enjoy biking. When I asked them both if my son could come over a couple of time they replied they they would see what they have on and get back to me. That was 7 weeks ago and I have had no contact from then since (apart from Xmas day gathering) not even to ask how FIL is. On Xmas day as a group we were talking and they knew that my son would be home alone on 28/12 and they in this conversation they said they had nothing on but instead of asking if my son would like to come over they invited my cousin over for drinks. They have been quite cold and rude multiple times over the years. Am I overreacting by being angry?

OP posts:
Original poster
Aussiemum777 · 29/01/2023 10:41

Normally we work opposite shifts so one is at home. But since one of had to be at the hospital it was all messed up,

OP posts:
PugInTheHouse · 29/01/2023 10:49

Ineedcoffee2021 · 29/01/2023 04:13

YABU
people dont owe free childcare
In Aus we all know 'a couple times' could mean more than 2, likely 3 or 4 - no way id agree to that. Too open ended and open for exploiting "oh got in late from work, is it ok to pick him up tomorrow?'

Did you offer to give them money? buy tickets to an event for the kids? or just wanna dump and run?

You say they been cold at times over the years, maybe your not as close as you think

You wouldn't do that for your own brother/sister? 3/4 times in a 6 week period? How sad that you would expect money to be offered by family.

Op - the fact they are cold probably suggests they aren't really interested in much of a relationship so I guess it's not surprising they haven't bothered to reply. Its sad but clearly they aren't the right people to ask.

Original poster
Aussiemum777 · 29/01/2023 12:47

saltinesandcoffeecups · 29/01/2023 00:38

So you’re mad about something the did or didn’t do a month ago and for the last couple of years being cold to you? I’ll confess I didn’t really follow your post at all. What does Covid have to do with anything?

No and no

OP posts:
Original poster
Aussiemum777 · 29/01/2023 13:05

Ineedcoffee2021 · 29/01/2023 04:13

YABU
people dont owe free childcare
In Aus we all know 'a couple times' could mean more than 2, likely 3 or 4 - no way id agree to that. Too open ended and open for exploiting "oh got in late from work, is it ok to pick him up tomorrow?'

Did you offer to give them money? buy tickets to an event for the kids? or just wanna dump and run?

You say they been cold at times over the years, maybe your not as close as you think

Firstly I would never leave my son more than absolutely necessary and secondly definitely not overnight. It definitely would not have turned into 3 or 4 days over 6 week period. I don’t know what sort of people you are mixing with?I have helped them out in the past and made effort to get the kids together and inviting them over and taking them out and never asked them for help EVER and certainly not money. However, the first and only time they took my son after years of me being the only one doing it they took money from my sons wallet. I am not that sort of person and never asked them for anything ever. The crisis is still ongoing and FIL will not get better, it was a sudden and extreme emergency situation and literally a crisis!! We had to drop everything and race into hospital. He is still in hospital which is 2 hrs away. School is back in 1 day and don’t need any help now, i simply asked them so my son could just spend a few hours maybe a day or so for his own mental health reasons for company, for a break from being alone for 6 weeks. On top I will add that my 22 year old is in Europe and my brother has been messaging her though asking her to buy him something Europe. I know they have had other people over, SIL doesn’t work either. I was waiting to hear from them as they knew the situation was extreme and tragic but I have not heard from them for 6 weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aussiemum777 · 29/01/2023 13:08

Merryoldgoat · 29/01/2023 01:18

They have been quite cold and rude multiple times over the years. Am I overreacting by being angry?

If you know them to be cold and rude why would you expect anything else?

We’d all be a lot better off if we actually took notice of what people are really like instead of projecting some idealised version of them.

Because they are family and I have helped them in the past. This situation was and still is the worst you could imagine and family help family

OP posts:
Original poster
Aussiemum777 · 29/01/2023 13:18

ThinWomansBrain · 29/01/2023 01:22

so they didn't want to provide free childcare for your son but didn't like to say an outright "no" so avoided the question.
You asked, they weren't keen - are there alternatives like holiday clubs?
I think YABU to be hacked off about it.

My son is polite and quiet and has been struggling with the anxiety which i had told them about before this crisis happened as it has been a worry. I have helped them out in the past and made effort to get the kids together and inviting them over and taking them out and never asked them for help EVER as I am not that sort of person and never asked them for anything. In fact after years of me being the one taking their kids out and having them overnight and paying for everything. they took my son out one day and I was so excited about that but realised they took money from his wallet. I was unable to get him into any camps or childcare as the crisis happened when school was just about to break up! And everything was fully booked. The crisis is still ongoing and FIL will not get better, it was a sudden and extreme emergency situation and literally a crisis!! We had to drop everything and race into hospital. He is still in hospital which is 2 hrs away. School is back in 1 day and don’t need any help now, i simply asked them so my son could just spend a few hours maybe a day or so for his own mental health reasons for company, for a break from being alone for 6 weeks. On top I will add that my 22 year old is in Europe and my brother has been messaging her though asking her to buy him something Europe. I know they have had other people over, SIL doesn’t work either. I was waiting to hear from them as they knew the situation was extreme and tragic but I have not heard from them for 6 weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aussiemum777 · 29/01/2023 13:20

Kitkatcatflap · 29/01/2023 04:46

I don't blame you for being angry. Knowing your FIL is in hospital, trying to navigate working and visiting it would have been nice if they'd have said - of course he can come over. A 12 year old hanging out with his cousin of a similar age is not exactly childcare.

Hope. Your FIL gets better

Thanks

OP posts:
redskydelight · 29/01/2023 13:27

If my 12 year old had a cousin who he got on well with, who lived 10 minutes down the road, I wouldn't expect the need for an invitation as such. I'd just expect him to turn up when he felt like it/ the DC to arrange to meet in the park etc. It's not like he's 5 when you need to be sure that there is an appropriate adult about.

Any chance, they might just be assuming this as well?

Original poster
Aussiemum777 · 29/01/2023 13:28

Floraanddougal · 29/01/2023 10:19

You say In your last post your son was alone for 6 weeks , who normally cares for him during the holidays?

We do opposite shifts so someone is home. But with this emergency happening just before school break we couldn’t get him into any vacation care as they were fully booked and one of us had to be at the hospital. Hospital is 2 hours away one way and 2 hrs back. Hubby is only child since his brother died.

OP posts:
nc1013 · 29/01/2023 13:32

redskydelight · 29/01/2023 13:27

If my 12 year old had a cousin who he got on well with, who lived 10 minutes down the road, I wouldn't expect the need for an invitation as such. I'd just expect him to turn up when he felt like it/ the DC to arrange to meet in the park etc. It's not like he's 5 when you need to be sure that there is an appropriate adult about.

Any chance, they might just be assuming this as well?

This is what I was thinking too. My Dd is like this with her cousin. They both arrange to meet up and freely go back and forward between the 2 houses (and visit other friends too).

However, I'm not sure I'd do this then disappear on a 2 hour trip to a hospital plus 2hours back without checking that the other parents were okay to feed them, step in if something happened and they were needed.

YANBU OP- they sound very inconsiderate and selfish. Sounds like it's been a bit one sided for years and this is brought it to a head. Now that the holidays are nearly over, I wouldn't say anything but I'd take a massive step back and wouldn't be helping them out when they ask.

Hope your FIL is okay

Original poster
Aussiemum777 · 29/01/2023 13:34

stayathomer · 29/01/2023 06:45

Is there any chance the cousins don’t get on as well as you think? As people have said above, unfortunately not everyone steps up when you need them, there may be a reason, there may not. You may need to figure out some form of classes or camp or something

The get on exceptionally well. Plus they also have a 9 year old who loves my son

OP posts:
Original poster
Aussiemum777 · 29/01/2023 13:37

Sceptre86 · 29/01/2023 08:41

It's sad when close family can't be relied upon but if you are upset with them you need to talk to them about it. Firstly stop going out of your way and facilitating a relationship between the cousins when they aren't arsed about it. Your child has a sibling and presumably friends, if he doesn't have a relatives with his cousins it isn't the end of the world. You stop being a martyr now.

Is your dh an only child? What I'm asking is why you needed to be at the hospital and if there was a sibling who could be there instead?

If I were in this situation I'd phone my brother and explain that his thoughtlessness was very hurtful and that you were upset he couldn't help your family when needed. I'd also say that clearly he doesn't value the relationship in the same way you do so you'd be taking a step back. I'd also probably ask him to stop annoyong/pestering/asking your dd to get him stuff whilst away and why he thinks she should when he wouldn't do the same? Be blunt and honest and see what his comeback is? it isn't up to your sil just because she is a sa to help, the onus should be on your brother to help his sibling and also appreciate that you have helped them.

Yes husband is an only child since his brother passed way

OP posts:
Original poster
Aussiemum777 · 29/01/2023 13:42

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/01/2023 09:47

Yanbu to be hurt. Did you chase them at all? Any follow up? I think it sounds like they owed you so I wouldn't have felt bad about messaging again to say 'just checking what days are best for you to have x over, he is looking forward to it, is tuesday ok?'

I called my brother, messaged my brother, messaged SIL. And called around in person and spoke to both of them. My brother said organise it with SIL as she is home everyday and rules the house. So her reply was “ I will see what we have on and get back to you” then after that I thought I won’t annoy them anymore if they care about us, or their nephew they will be in touch. I wasn’t going to beg.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aussiemum777 · 29/01/2023 13:44

Calphurnia88 · 29/01/2023 07:24

I can see why you're disappointed, especially if you've helped them out with childcare previously.

Do you feel close enough to ask your brother if there's a reason why they didn't get back to you on this? As PP said, is it possible that DS and his cousin don't get on well together? In your position I would probably press for more information.

they get on exceptionally well plus they have a 9 yr old that loves my son too

OP posts:
Original poster
Aussiemum777 · 29/01/2023 13:47

Liorae · 29/01/2023 10:29

That very much depends on the kid. A demanding 12 yr old is a pain.

Show quote history

Liorae my son is far from demanding. He is quiet , polite and sensible.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aussiemum777 · 29/01/2023 13:49

FlippityFlippityFlop · 29/01/2023 08:28

Yanbu. Family should help each other out. And what they asked for was tiny. But now they have shown their colours - back away from them and only engage when you want to.

Thanks

OP posts:
Eastereggsboxedupready · 29/01/2023 13:51

What utter pigs op. Hopefully one day they will need a favour and you can tell them to jog on...

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 29/01/2023 14:25

Aussiemum777 · 29/01/2023 13:49

Thanks

Show quote history

They've had help from you over the years and this is their response in an emergency. Sorry OP that must have hurt. Your son sounds like a nice boy. I wouldn't rely on these two for anything in future but make back up plans.
It probably feels worse to you because you are under stress from all fronts atm, but hopefully that will receed.
I hope that things get easier and that your FIL is responding to treatment. Best of luck.

Sublimeursula · 29/01/2023 14:31

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GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/01/2023 14:47

I think 12 is a tricky age, as they’re a bit too old for most holiday clubs (not sure exact what it’s like for this in Oz) but too young to really be left to their own devices day after day.

Its a tricky one, but you can’t make people want to help, I guess.

Sublimeursula · 29/01/2023 14:51

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RedHelenB · 29/01/2023 14:57

Aussiemum777 · 29/01/2023 06:26

Considering I have helped them out and had their kids many times over the years. For free. Have never once asked anything from them ever! I am not that sort of person. Plus as it is an emergency situation and no childcare available. He gets on well with his cousin also 12 so they would just amuse themselves anyway. I was only hoping them to have him maybe 1 or 2 days for a few hours for company. My son is also struggling with anxiety which they know about too.

Did you ask specific dates/times?

Thatboymum · 29/01/2023 15:28

I think you need to remember that you are the one in a crisis not them , it won’t be a main focus for them day to day there life will be going on as normal because nothings changed for them, I also think yabu to be annoyed they don’t want to watch your child, yes they may be family but he’s your responsibility to manage in good or bad times and it seems unfair that it’s ok for you and your partner to not be able to juggle things for various reasons but it’s not ok for the other family to not be able to juggle your struggles into there life. Your expectations of these people are too high imo when they have shown you that they don’t want to be that involved

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