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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To elope!?

34 replies

Moonshine74 · 28/01/2023 21:35

DP & I have been engaged now for nearly 6 years, the engagement was never intended to be a long one but we had two massive family losses and then throw a pandemic into the mix and here we are!

Over the last few months I can't shake the overwhelming feeling I just want to be married! I've spoke about this with DP and although he feels the same he's reluctant to just go and get married on our own as he's worried about upsetting various family and friends, most importantly my DM and our teen DD.

For context we have been together for years and share our whole lives, including working together. So in one way it's just a formality BUT will I regret eloping (eg a very simple civil ceremony) or am I missing out?! Has anyone else done this and how did your family react?

Help!

OP posts:
SavoirFlair · 28/01/2023 21:39

I am sorry for your losses. I really am.

but I will say this - if you want to be married, you would have been last week. So to speak. It’s not hard. the country’s been back open for a while now.

if by “married” you mean your fiancé isn’t helping you set an actual date, then no pandemics or bereavements are the obstacle here.

if by “married” you mean a ceremony, reception and event hosted in a venue you’ve had planned in mind for a while which is booked up for the next two years, then fine - you many not be married anytime soon, and you don’t need to start a whole thread about it because the answers are here in front of you.

so yeah I think YABU. also “eloping” as a word isn’t synonymous with a civil ceremony. My parents got married in a simple ceremony with a few mates. It’s ok.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/01/2023 21:48

Don’t leave your DD out but I’m sure your mum will understand. You’re not spring chickens if you have a teen so she’ll get over it even she’s not thrilled.

Bereavement often puts things in perspective, if you want to get married just do it. I wouldn’t be impressed by his hesitation/excuses barring your DD.

doadeer · 28/01/2023 21:50

I did this! Im so happy we did. It's lovely being married. We had just two witnesses. Still wore a nice dress (not white). Said our words to each other. It was beautiful.

Do it!

dudsville · 28/01/2023 21:52

You can divide the wedding into two parts, the civil ceremony and the family gathering. I once did that anyway because i wanted a wedding in an area that wasn't licensed, so we did the civil thing and then our thing in a county pub hotel, its probably licensed now, this was 25 years ago. Anyhoo, think creatively!

dudsville · 28/01/2023 21:55

And i understand your point @SavoirFlair and have a lot of sympathy for that perspective, but i also know a lot of couples who simply haven't got married because of all the money and organising required of parents of young ones, whilst holding down full time work and trying to make ends meet, add to that all the rules they and their family have about it. It's hard.

Weenurse · 28/01/2023 21:57

Grab your DD, ask DM to be a witness and grab one from his side as well, and go for it.

pippabg · 28/01/2023 21:59

We had our June 2020 wedding cancelled because of Covid, rescheduled to June 2021, but then there were still massive restrictions (under 30 people, couldn't mingle, no evening party), and we just decided to get married in secret as soon as we could - we only had our parents there. I was suffering from anxiety about the wedding, and like you I was just ready to be married as we'd be together for 10 years at this point, and engaged for 3!

I don't regret it at all. I do regret covid and all the disruption and loss it caused and would have ideally had my wedding as planned in June 2020. But the day we had was still beautiful and special (and we have 10K in the bank from what we didn't spend!)

My advice would be to invite parents and your daughter and leave it at that. Do a small civil ceremony and everyone should be happy; you can still make it very special. Our siblings and friends didn't mind that it was a secret or that they missed out. They were just pleased they were finally married!

NomadicSoul · 28/01/2023 22:00

Weenurse · 28/01/2023 21:57

Grab your DD, ask DM to be a witness and grab one from his side as well, and go for it.

This was about what I was going to say.

Relaxd · 28/01/2023 22:04

We eloped, didn’t tell anyone bar our mums afterwards, then planned to have a big do later on and let everyone know then … but Covid got in the way. Now we just tell people if they bother to ask. Most aren’t interested as we have been together years. A few people felt they should have been told (and annoyingly that they should have been part of the decision not to have a big event - which definitely made us sure we’d done the right thing!). We loved out day, did it our way and no hassle of trying to please everyone.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 28/01/2023 22:04

Do it!

We went to Vegas, 5 night holiday with a wedding in the middle that we didn't invite anyone to. You can book it all online in advance, the websites have drop downs like 'do you want us to provide witnesses', 'do you want a car to pick you up from the hotel', 'do you want a photographer'....... it's great takes 10 minutes to plan a wedding and all sorted for you.

Original poster
Moonshine74 · 28/01/2023 22:12

@SavoirFlair I'm not really sure you grasped the tone of my original post, my DP would marry me next week if it was that simple, there is no problem there...we both want to be married. He's just concerned about upsetting close family, as am I really. I started a thread to ask if anyone had any experience of just doing it on their own...so most of your advice is fairly misdirected. Thanks for your input though!

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonshine74 · 28/01/2023 22:15

@dudsville yes I do like the idea of this! My original wedding plan was to do a late ceremony and then have one big reception, so it wouldn't be too dissimilar minus the ceremony!

OP posts:
dudsville · 28/01/2023 22:20

I didn't give an account of my own experience. I assume I'm a lot older than you, so the word elope didn't really click - but i think this is what we did. We just quietly nipped off the the registry with a couple of stooges. It was really nice. We went for a nice lunch after, we wore our own nice but ordinary clothes, we went to work the next day. It was all about the meaning of the thing and nothing to do with traditional discos, satin and long photo shoots.

dudsville · 28/01/2023 22:22

Moonshine74 · 28/01/2023 22:15

@dudsville yes I do like the idea of this! My original wedding plan was to do a late ceremony and then have one big reception, so it wouldn't be too dissimilar minus the ceremony!

Well there you go! Perfect! The one i described up thread was decades ago, but lovely, the one i just posted about was shockingly recent.

Original poster
Moonshine74 · 28/01/2023 22:22

@dudsville I think you've kinda hit the nail on the head, we want a marriage not a big fancy day which the more I think about it feels more for everyone else than us!

OP posts:
Flamingogirl08 · 28/01/2023 22:24

We just had parents at the registry office, had a little afternoon tea and then we sodded off to the lake district that afternoon. I'd not long lost my Dad and the thought of a big wedding without him walking me down the aisle made me feel sick. I won't lie it did upset people, siblings were not happy and we had some snide comments from aunties etc. Everybody is over it now though and I don't regret it for a second

Original poster
Moonshine74 · 28/01/2023 22:27

@Flamingogirl08 yes we've lost both DF & DP's DF within a year of eachother and this has really made me question a big day that they will feel so missed from...

OP posts:
stormins · 28/01/2023 22:33

We're eloping later this year with our 2 best friends because of family conflict. In theory we will have a reception next year, but not 100% yet. If you want to celebrate with people, but not do the formal wedding thing, a friend of mine went to an engagement party last year where the couple surprised everyone with news that they had already eloped so it had a very relaxed and casual party vibe.
Just parents and children seems totally reasonable if you are happy with that. We aren't even having parents but everyone seems happy enough with it.
Do whatever you want and congratulations!

Cherrysoup · 28/01/2023 22:37

I wish to god I’d just popped to the local registry office, the whole organising/big day/dress bollocks drove me mad. If it’s just a formality, go to the registry office then have a big family party afterwards if you are keen to see people.

Decemberly · 28/01/2023 22:45

We did this and do not regret it at all.

We wanted to get married and neither of us were remotely interested in organising all the stuff that seems to come with a lot of weddings, or getting in to huge debt. Fine if you really want it, and will truly enjoy a big day, but we didn’t and just couldn’t justify doing it for other people.

All our family and friends were delighted for us, nobody took it badly. But I would recommend not telling anyone (except your DD if you are taking her with you) - it is much easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.

justadress · 28/01/2023 22:49

We're in a similar situation. More recently engaged than you but have been together for years. Neither of us want a big wedding, so we're considering eloping, but worried about family reactions!

WarningToTheCurious · 28/01/2023 22:57

Book a registry office and then somewhere really nice for lunch or dinner. Invite your DM and DD by saying that you’re all going somewhere fancy for a meal and they should dress up a bit and surprise them with the wedding?

Worked for my DSis and BIL.

Topolectic · 28/01/2023 23:31

We did this. Had a secret wedding. Went with just a few friends and both our kids to the registry office. Told family afterwards. It had to be secret as we'd never have managed to keep it simple otherwise.

Almost everyone thought it was a really good idea - simplifying things, saving money, doing it when it felt right rather than when it could be booked/fitted in, and avoiding all that work organising something!

My dad was the only one who was a bit miffed not to be there and do a speech, but he got over it. I'd take that over the hassle and expense!

I wore a really expensive pair of jeans, having sought a recommendation on here.

BashfulClam · 28/01/2023 23:34

We did it, just us on a beach in Scotland (you can get married anywhere in Scotland it first beef to be indoors ). If you look at CREAR wee weddings, they had a cottage for exactly this.

BashfulClam · 28/01/2023 23:35

I also got a wedding dress as I always wanted to wear one.