To ask you to help me stop blaming my mother, and sort my life out?

[resentfulnamechange]

I'm late 20s and, as pathetic as it sounds, I feel that my life has not gone as well as it could have due to my mum. I place pretty much all blame on her. I know I shouldn't still be blaming her, but I'm struggling not to.

As not to drip-feed, here is why:

• She had me as a drug-addicted teen. She neglected me, she + her boyfriends abused me (in every way), told me hated me but wouldn't let my grandmother adopt me. In fact, she pulled me away from the solace of my grandmother's house because she was jealous I preferred her.
• I did well in school, but she drummed into me I was stupid and never good enough. I was the first in the family to finish at a good RG uni with a 1st class degree, but she didn't even bat an eyelid when I told her because 'it's what was expected of me'.
• I've never been in a relationship, never even kissed a man. Partly because my abuse left me uncertain of boys/men, partly because I've always been horribly shy. I'm not actually sure what causes my social problems, but I had years of selective mutism as a child which I thankfully grew out of, because it certainly wasn't treated.

To rub salt in my wounds she was different with my younger half-siblings, who are now early 20s. She was very good to them, a model mother. Despite being spoilt and generally unpleasant people they are now doing much better than I ever did. This I'm definitely bitter about, but whenever we gather as a family there's always a conversation on what's wrong with me + why can't I just be normal like them. It's upsetting, but I'm the family joke.

I'm currently muddling through a vocational degree and renting a small flat in my deprived hometown. All my childhood dreams/hopes are unfulfilled. Simple things like children, husband, house, etc...

How is your relationship with your mother now @resentfulnamechange?

Oh OP,

You are wonderful. You have the fire and drive to value your education. You are standing on your own feet in the world. She has, albeit inadvertently, given you the gifts of independence, resilience and fortitude.

Be proud of what you have and are going to achieve. The rest of your life lies ahead.

Good luck to you.

God I'd be tempted to answer ...because you were a drug addict when you had me and allowed me to suffer abuse and have put me down all my life....then leave ..
But I get you can't....do you have to go to family gatherings? Have you had counselling or talked to anyone?

@TooBigForMyBoots same as it has always been-- I inwardly adore her, do what I can to impress/please her, and she knocks me down at every turn. It's ridiculous, I know, but it's like I'm that desperate 5 year old girl again when I'm in any sort of contact with her. I do think she loves me these days, but we just have such a strange relationship.

Thank you @AmIDoingThisRight , I just wish it felt that way. But I really appreciate your reply

@jannier I don't have to go, but when it comes down to it I do love my family. I like to see them, know what they're doing, etc. It's all fine until it comes down to the inevitable conversation about me. No counselling as it's impossible to get on the NHS, and I'm also slightly worried of going and feeling worse afterwards perhaps that's slightly silly.

Please get some counselling as I really think it will do you some good, although I generally think it’s a waste of space but I think it might open your eyes to your situation.

I had to have lots of therapy (some short cycles, some long) for some similar (but not as severe as your description) issues arising from childhood maltreatment. The therapist gave me the best perspective anyone could have given me.

She told me I must learn to be proud of how strong I am to have got through all that. She taught me not to compare myself to people who hadn’t been through the same things I had been through. She gave me some silly (at least I thought they were) thought exercises to practice.

Won’t lie, it was initially very uncomfortable putting myself in context like that; it was a weird and unpleasant feeling (like I was being false somehow) trying to hold my head high and really be proud of the things I had achieved in spite of all that had happened. But I managed it in the end, and I’m genuinely damn proud of myself now. I hope you get to the point of being proud of yourself.

If you can access talking therapy through IAPT it would be worth a go, it’s only 8-12 weeks in most areas but you won’t need to waste much time getting to the bottom of your problems, because it’s quite clear what the cause is. Otherwise maybe your uni has someone for students to talk to? They could at least refer you on to another service or put you in touch with a sliding-scale-fee therapist.

And honestly if there’s any chance you can really minimise contact with your mother and possibly step siblings, that would be worth a try, give it a couple of months and see if your self-esteem increases if you’re not being belittled on a regular basis. Although I know it can be hard to reduce contact with family if you’re already relatively socially isolated. Hopefully you can fill the gaps with study groups, hobbies, friends, etc. But please don’t be down on yourself if you feel you have to stay in touch with them - family is complicated and no outsider is going to be able to make a decision for you about how much you see them.

I’m sorry you went through all the things you did. I’m glad you’ve got as far as you have. I think you have farther to go - and I think you’ll get there. The problem isn’t you, it’s the dynamic your mum has created. You are a remarkably strong person.

Hi OP, I'm about twice your age and I'm currently working on forgiveness through mindfulness meditation. I feel I've failed in life and I blame myself for making stupid decisions. I could blame my parents (physically abused by an alcoholic father and ignored by an unloving mother and then -, like you - criticised ever since (recently that even criticised my gray hair), but what I + and I think you - need to do is practice some self compassion.

We need to realise that the past is gone, the future isn't here yet, we've only got right now and we've got ourself just at we are right now, warts and all. I'm finding it hard to forgive and even harder to love the failure that I feel I am, but I will do eventually and if nothing else, I might be a contended corpse.

So, OP, there's nothing you can do about your past, nor your mother (nothing legal anyway 🙂) but there's a lot you can do about how you view yourself and how you love yourself. Despite everything, you're doing well.

I think you need some trauma therapy

You know what, I think you bloody well should still blame your mother. She sounds horrible, someone who will drag you down. And it's okay to keep blaming her for the rest of your life.

You can work to improve your life from now on, seek out support from those who understand. You don't need to stop blaming in order to heal.

Worth looking at counselling if you can....Google HAVOCA and The Lantern project.
Your a good and amazing person I'd maybe look at meeting the nice members individually and definitely away from your mother.

You have survived and achieved despite adversity. She is to blame, other people too. Some stuff to think about? Put her on trial in your head and have someone you respect sentence her. Have a look at some of Gabor Mate's stuff on attachment and authenticity on YouTube, to understand how the early trauma has such an impact. But they are not you. The way forward is you. What you want now. What you need now. Take the hurt with you, but listen to you, not their stuff that tries to hold you back. Its heavy but you can still steer in your own direction. I think The Happiness Trap covers this approach - ACT.

Wow! RG university with that sort of childhood. Very impressive OP.

She had you when she was a teenager, she was too young and she was an addict.
You have a first class university degree and have not made the same mistakes that she did.
There is no excuse at all to be found for the abuse you have suffered as a child.
If you can't access counselling, there are self-help books you can borrow for free from a public library.
You are now in charge of your life.

If your childhood dreams were to have a husband, a house and children, it is not too late at all for any of those things, a lot of people get all their higher education under their belt before they turn their focus onto having a family.

You could write a (not to be sent, not to be seen) long letter "to" your mother, expressing everything you want to express, to get it out there. If you think of more things, keep adding them.

Personally I don't think you should "forgive" her, but maybe accept her as an adult who had a destructive lifestyle as a teenager, but who did better with her later children when she was older and presumably more settled herself.

Sorry OP. I just reread your original post and saw I missed a few key points which I apologise for. My original response doesn't cut it as a consequence.

I think you should get some help for the abuse you received. It is available via the NHS (, self refer via iapt online) and it's good. They are very aware it can be painful and they can give you the tools you need to be able to deal with that pain.

I would I'm afraid totally blame your mother and if never see her again and I'd get in with my life. I assume you're aware that wanting to please your abuser is pretty common behaviour.

But that's me. Some things I wouldn't forgive. You have done amazingly well considering your past to get to where you are now and to have kept silent as to the reason why. Please speak to someone who can help you.

However, it's your life and I'm not an expert in any way shape or form. Anyway, well done for getting as far as you have in life. I'm not sure I would have been as strong as you and I know I'd not have done as well as you.

I also recently started therapy due to some life events bringing up some abuse I suffered as a child. It was really hard but I feel so much more able to cope and move on now. As a PP said, my therapist gave me permission to feel sad that I was hurt and proud that I had come so far. Just free counselling sessions offered by my work benefits.

Wow OP, I'm really impressed at how well you've done for yourself after that childhood. I hope you can get some help from some of the posters here. I can only say, you have battled against the odds and you have nothing to beat yourself up about. I wish you all the best for your future. Please be kind to yourself xx

She's your mother, she mistreats you, you try to make her like you by doing things for her, it doesn't work. I've been in this cycle, it's hard to break out of until you see it for what it is. As a child I'd try to impress my mother with things I'd done, but she was never interested. Nothing I did engaged her. So I tried harder (and like you went to a RG uni).

I broke out of it (years later) by just stopping. Not trying, not feeding her ammunition to shoot me down with. I realised that nothing I did for her would make her change how she is - that has to come from her. If you can try to get some psychotherapy (not regular counselling), as this really does help. I found it very useful.

I just want to add that - despite what happened in your childhood, you have managed to get a 1st class degree at a top university, which is a phenomenal achievement.

I’m so sorry your mother let you down so very badly. Here’s (one) thing… you don’t have to stop blaming her to move on with your life. It sounds as though you have every reason to acknowledge the harm she caused and every reason to trace your struggles back to a very difficult childhood. But she doesn’t need to be a reason that you don’t have a better life - you have already achieved so much and you’re still so young, there’s lots of time.

I would highly recommend seeking out Al Anon which is for relatives of addicts - it’s free and a safe space just to listen or to share your feelings. You can work the steps or just take what you need from it, but there’s a sense of acceptance and community there which you might find very helpful.

someone I know who experienced a lot of trauma as a young person really rates The Body Keeps The Score as an insight into coping with those experiences.

Given your family history I also recommend reading the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? It’s about abusive relationships, and is very useful to stop you second guessing yourself/to help you spot red flags etc. It might be useful to arm yourself against getting involved in an unhealthy situation as an adult and the book could provide some confidence about knowing where to set boundaries in romantic relationships. You can download it on kindle app.

You’re obviously bright and brave - clearly you must be to have got this far. Keep putting on foot in front of the other and try and let go of your guilt, you don’t have anything to feel guilty for. So much luck xxx

This isn't all your and your mum's fault @resentfulnamechange. There are others who share the blame for your abuse/neglect and your mother's vulnerability at such a young age. That's not to let her off the hook, much of the blame is hers and some of it will be you. Make a list of those to blame for the rest.

You sound like an amazing person. I have nothing to add right now but wanted to say that you are going to do really well in life. It's clear. I like how you phrased the title of the thread for example. You are an active participant shaping your own life and you are way stronger than you think, I read that between the lines.

Keep doing what you're doing. Be kind to yourself. You are strong despite everything that has happened to you. Sending you lots of love

Oh you poor thing. You have done so well and don’t need validation from her, honestly don’t know how she dares to joke about you not being ‘normal’ whatever normal means in her head.

Please consider counselling, it’s helped me loads in the past year.

OP - you sound like you have done really well despite everything that has happened. I used to be very shy (hated even talking on the phone to people). Sometimes I found anticipating questions at social gatherings and practising an answer helped - eg practice saying what your job is and what it involves and where. Sending you good wishes!

I think you can blame your mother for her mistakes that is okay. It is part of your process of gaining independence from her and not taking part in her reality distorting behaviours towards you. I also think that you can learn to separate yourself from her certainly emotionally and possibly even for a short period while you are doing this physically.

Not all parents are the same. Your mother has serious issues still and she is not able to contribute to your growth and ongoing development in a meaningful way. In fact she doesn’t sound like she has been able to do so in a meaningful way to date. She has not dealt with her own conditioning, life experiences and reality so she cannot help you to deal with yours.

That doesn’t mean you have to cut her out of your life unless a time comes when you need to. You have to learn to live with the reality of what is going on to the best you can. I think a really well qualified and experienced therapist could help with this, however from my own experiences they are like hens teeth. The way you judge is by how you feel with them, do they make you feel like you are making progress and moving forward. If they shame you in any way for your experiences then they are not right for you because you sound like you have had enough of that from your home life.