To ask you to help me stop blaming my mother, and sort my life out?

[resentfulnamechange]

I'm late 20s and, as pathetic as it sounds, I feel that my life has not gone as well as it could have due to my mum. I place pretty much all blame on her. I know I shouldn't still be blaming her, but I'm struggling not to.

As not to drip-feed, here is why:

• She had me as a drug-addicted teen. She neglected me, she + her boyfriends abused me (in every way), told me hated me but wouldn't let my grandmother adopt me. In fact, she pulled me away from the solace of my grandmother's house because she was jealous I preferred her.
• I did well in school, but she drummed into me I was stupid and never good enough. I was the first in the family to finish at a good RG uni with a 1st class degree, but she didn't even bat an eyelid when I told her because 'it's what was expected of me'.
• I've never been in a relationship, never even kissed a man. Partly because my abuse left me uncertain of boys/men, partly because I've always been horribly shy. I'm not actually sure what causes my social problems, but I had years of selective mutism as a child which I thankfully grew out of, because it certainly wasn't treated.

To rub salt in my wounds she was different with my younger half-siblings, who are now early 20s. She was very good to them, a model mother. Despite being spoilt and generally unpleasant people they are now doing much better than I ever did. This I'm definitely bitter about, but whenever we gather as a family there's always a conversation on what's wrong with me + why can't I just be normal like them. It's upsetting, but I'm the family joke.

I'm currently muddling through a vocational degree and renting a small flat in my deprived hometown. All my childhood dreams/hopes are unfulfilled. Simple things like children, husband, house, etc...

If you're struggling to afford therapy which many have you listened to any podcasts? Ive recommended this one before on here but mel Robbins is a good place to start and gives you great tips and ideas to start practicing self love. I also love the podcast by dr rangan chattergee who talks to various experts in health and therapy and I feel gives some great tools to help people work through things themselves

You’re blaming your mother because this is her fault. You have done really well despite her. Would you want anything to do with her if she esotericism your mother? You adore the fantasy of what you want her to be not what she is.

look at you, what you’ve done - the Ist class degree, the degree you’re studying for, that all down to you, your abilities and strength.

you’re still young. Plenty of time to fulfill all your childhood dreams.

speak to your uni, het counselling. When you can move as faraway from the toxicity of this and create the life you want. You absolutely have the strength snd ability to do that.

speaking as a mother, a mothers role is to nurture and support their child.this woman is not fulfilling that role so please don’t feel indebted to her because she holds the title

Theres a group called ACA i thonk its for adult children of alocoholic and dysfunctional families. I dont know if it is suitable for adult children of other substance abuses. But they have a website and advice - could be worth a look. There are also lots of different therapies. One i have seen work is a group of similar adults who meet once a week for 6 months , and then also meet individually with the same therapist. Based on cbt, but done properly - not just done online for 3 weeks.

My Dad was in his 50’s when his mother died and he never stopped craving her love and approval. She was a horrible woman who treated all of her children terribly and had absolutely no remorse.

OP, if you can, try and organise some therapy, you deserve better than this.

You have achieved so much despite your family. You should be able to access free counselling through the institution that you are doing your vocation qualification with.

It sounds like you have every right to blame your mother.

Posted too soon. Counselling can help you come to terms with it and move forward.

You need trauma focused therapy.