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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Constantly compared to my younger sister

29 replies

Ontobetterthings · 28/01/2023 20:56

My weight is constantly being compared to my sisters. I don't know if there's anything you can suggest. I'm 2 years older. We are in our thirties and I'm 2 stone heavier than her. I'm not big so i don't understand it. We were out with friends and one friend started on about how slim and fit my sister is and she couldn't believe we were sisters as look at me and don't I just hate her. I went to a family party and my sisters mil was saying to me about how it's not fair she's so lucky at being thin and how we aren't so lucky. Then last week my mum was saying how my sister doesn't have our problem of being big. I'm a 12-14 at most.

I think I look good, I go the gym 4 times a week, have a high paying job, nice kids and dh. This is starting to really upset me, people keep comparing me.

We have a family wedding next month. I'm really dreading it as I had crappy comments already and I know I'll get there and people will start saying she looks great and oh don't I just wish I looked the same. Why can't they leave me out of it and just give her a compliment. Am I being oversensitive? I'm feeling tearful. I feel like I'm being put down.

OP posts:
SavoirFlair · 28/01/2023 20:57

I don't know if there's anything you can suggest.

….

Original poster
Ontobetterthings · 28/01/2023 21:06

??

OP posts:
SashaPearce · 28/01/2023 21:09

Sorry they’re being so weird. Say assertively ‘Please don’t compare me to my sister, it’s rude’. Repeat as needed. And/or start making similar comments to them in relation to their sibling, and give them a chance to see how they like it.

Original poster
Ontobetterthings · 28/01/2023 21:34

It is weird. I don't know why they feel the need to bring me into it all the time. The last time I was at a table in the middle when our friend was saying she couldn't believe we even related as look at her and then me.
I don't know if I can get past it. I'm just dreading the wedding, been working out loads and dieting. I just hope noone says anything about me. I should try to be assertive but I struggle 😩

OP posts:
Mummybearto3bg · 28/01/2023 21:51

I've always had the same but I'm the younger sister. Old sister has always been a size 6-8 and I'm a 12. I realised its my own confidence I needed to work on so that no comment affected me. Now I reply to any comments saying I love the weight I am now, it's the happiest I've ever felt! Shuts them down straight away!

Merlott · 28/01/2023 21:56

I feel bad for both you and sister, sounds like family don't care about anything except body shape, which is frankly weird and yuck.

Seriously though it just sounds like the people making these comments are a bit thick and unpleasant. Definitely say something to shut them up. Asking bullies what they mean by a comment is always entertaining. "Oh sis is so thin, not like us" "What do you mean?" "Oh, you know, she can eat whatever she wants" "So what? I don't understand what you're saying?" Brazen it out, it's a lot of fun to watch them squirm.

Just because people are related to you doesn't mean they're allowed to say nasty things

SweetSakura · 28/01/2023 21:58

Yeah, I had some relatives who kept doing this every time they saw me. In the end i think I was incredibly blunt with them. It's monstrous behaviour.

SweetSakura · 28/01/2023 21:59

I realised I either needed to be blunt or i was just going to stop going to family events

Songbird54321 · 28/01/2023 22:15

I had a family member who HAD to comment on my weight, be it positive or negative, every time I saw them. I was too big, I was too small, I looked 'just right' (despite my weight hardly fluctuating in this time). I eventually just asked them why they thought I'd care what their opinion on my body was and what on earth it had to do with them. They couldn't give an answer. It's bloody rude and completely unnecessary.
They're making you uncomfortable, do it back.

Letthekidsplay · 28/01/2023 22:18

Tell them actually I’m very happy with my appearance and feel really sorry for people whose lives are so empty that they obsess about something as meaningless as what size jeans somebody else wears.

merlotlover · 28/01/2023 22:20

Say;
I'm perfectly happy as I am Thankyou and I have bigger boobs than her anyway and sashay away

SashaPearce · 28/01/2023 22:21

merlotlover · 28/01/2023 22:20

Say;
I'm perfectly happy as I am Thankyou and I have bigger boobs than her anyway and sashay away

🤣

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 28/01/2023 22:23

Have you spoken to your sister about how much it upsets you and to ask if she can have your back?

But I would definitely just say “that’s rude. I’m perfectly happy with my appearance thank you, I’ve never been fitter or happier. I’d like you to cease making personal remarks about my figure.”

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 28/01/2023 22:24

Or fuck off also works

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 28/01/2023 22:28

I'd ask the question 'what are you trying to say about my weight? Are you saying I'm fat and that I should be miserable about it? Why would you think thats an appropriate thing to tell me?'. And watch them squirm

Tinkerbyebye · 28/01/2023 23:05

if they start making comments I would simply say ‘ did you mean to be so rude?’ And walk off. Each and every time

LimeTwists · 28/01/2023 23:43

YANBU. A aghast expression and very blunt ‘That’s a really unkind thing to say to me!’ will stop these rude bastards mid-flow. You absolutely should not be pretending not to be upset or offended to spare them any embarrassment.

LipsSoScarlet · 29/01/2023 00:10

Definitely be blunt. I gained weight a few years back after recovering from an eating disorder. I’m a perfectly healthy weight now but I am also 2 stone heavier than my sister. I was initially really uncomfortable when people would point this out in some way but I’ve learned that if you’re blunt and make them feel uncomfortable (as they should for mentioning your weight for no reason at all) then you won’t hear it from them again. Make direct eye contact and tell them that you don’t want comments about your, or your sister’s, weight.

catsnore · 29/01/2023 00:18

Definitely be blunt! Also try flipping it back on them 'oh auntie Rita, when it comes to me and my sister you are always so observant but I notice you have completely failed to notice how rude and personal you are being. How would you like it if I constantly commented on your big nose? Uncle Brian's beer belly? Etc etc'

soboredtonight · 29/01/2023 10:01

Definitely flip it back at them and make a comment about their appearance vs someone else. Ie oh I know auntie Joyce it must have been hard for you too as auntie Emma hasn't struggled like you have with her teeth etc etc.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 29/01/2023 11:06

I think you need to start making these people feel uncomfortable so they think twice about doing it again

one friend started on about how slim and fit my sister is and she couldn't believe we were sisters as look at me and don't I just hate her - of course I don't hate her, but I do think you're being particularly rude

I went to a family party and my sisters mil was saying to me about how it's not fair she's so lucky at being thin and how we aren't so lucky - are you saying I'm fat? How would you like it if I commented on your big nose/large arse

Or 'why do you think it's acceptable to comment on my looks or compare me to someone else, we are all different'

If they tell you you're being over sensitive simply respond with 'I think you aren't being sensitive enough'

TheRealKatnissEverdeen · 29/01/2023 11:26

I can relate. I'm of Caribbean heritage and family feel they have carte blanche to make similar comments on all aspects of your life.
I have nothing useful to propose as a management method but think some of the suggestions above are great.

itswednesdayy · 29/01/2023 11:29

I mean all your sister is being praised on is her looks? That’s not a great feeling either. I’m early 20s and slim and people do judge you for being “attractive” ie you must be useless at work, you must be vapid, you must barely eat etc. I think I’d prefer to be judged based on my accomplishments and things I’m actually proud of. Ultimately my point is your sister isn’t doing anything wrong, your family is overstepping the mark and as a result is almost creating a divide between you.

StripeyDeckchair · 29/01/2023 12:05

When someone starts down this line interrupt them

  • I'm stopping you right there as you are being rude & offensive (& I don't want my children hearing this body shaming when the reality is I'm fit, healthy & happy)

After all if i told you that youd (pause & look them up & down) put on a stone since i last saw you how would you feel?)

you have to be blunt to make your point. If they Object point out the double standards - so it's OK for you to indult me & attempt to body shame me but when I continue the conversation in the same lines but focusing on you that's not ok?

Original poster
Ontobetterthings · 29/01/2023 13:25

Thanks for the constructive advice. I was thinking of having a word with my sister to see if she can back me up. I wasn't sure as it's not her fault. I'm thinking ill go the wedding and not drink so I can be fully ready to snap back at any rude comments.

I need to be more assertive. One of the friends just goes on how thin she looks at then barked at me, doesn't she look so thin, tell her she's so thin and looks amazing! Look at that waist. It seems passive aggressive all the time towards me. Unfortunately she's going the wedding 😩 It's making me feel on edge going to events. I'm going to try and stay away from certain people.

OP posts:
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