Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Friend wants to go on holiday...aibu

54 replies

DilemmaADay · 28/01/2023 11:22

Backstory, I have a friend of many years (I'll call her Lucy) who I used to do a lot of travelling with when we were in our 20s. Despite going through various stages of our lives such as boyfriends, my marriage etc we would still managed to go away to at least one place together every year or two years.

Recently Lucy's completely stopped the holidays with friends in exchange for holidays with her DP of 3 years. Fair enough, life happens. There's been a few talks of a girly holiday (prompted by me) which never amounted to anything and Lucy's ended up booking a holiday with her DP instead. Once again completely fair enough.

So my AIBU is that Lucy's brought up the girl's holiday again, which seemed a bit surprising as I dropped the idea a while back. It turns out her DP wants to go away with a friend of his, and has been asking Lucy when she's going away with her friends so he can book to go with his friend at the same time 🤔AIBU to feel a bit used, and that Lucy only wants to plan something because her DP has been pestering her for dates he can go away. It feels as though she doesn't actually want to go away but she wants something to do whilst DP isn't around. Would it be petty to make up excuses and go with another friend (who actually wants to go) instead?

OP posts:

AnotherSpare · 28/01/2023 11:31

Does it matter how the opportunity came about? It's natural that she goes on holiday with her husband instead of with friends, it's natural that the friends she used to holiday with miss this. Since the opportunity has arisen, why not roll with it and enjoy a holiday together again? There's no "using" involved.

Snowpaw · 28/01/2023 11:37

Its natural in life for priorities to change. I wouldn't stress it. Do you like her? Do you value the friendship? Do you want a holiday? If yes I'd just crack on and wouldn't give it too much thought.

PurpleRaindancing · 28/01/2023 11:44

Yanbu
Would it be petty to make up excuses and go with another friend (who actually wants to go) instead?

Absolutely
Lucy dropped girls holidays together 3 years ago, she's only asking bc hee DP told her to. AND she's saying you have to go in the exact week hee DP is away for. That's not about you, what you want and planning a lovely girlie holiday, that's all about her DP...

I suspect 3 would be a crowd and change the dynamics. So Go with your other friend who does not hot potato drop you and try to pick you up again.

If you say yes to Lucy right now she'll be dictating terms of when and where yo you and your other friend, when it'll be far nicer for you and other friend to plan your girlie holiday when and where around the two of you without a bossy 3rd person

PurpleRaindancing · 28/01/2023 11:49

So I say tell Lucy "oh those were the days.. but I holiday with my other good friend now, you've been busy with your DP for 3 years. No thanks I'm not planning two holidays this year, or being told which week we must take by someone else's partner ... hope you find a friend to holiday with.."

cushioncovers · 28/01/2023 11:53

I'd go but only if it was convenient for me as she's only suggesting it because it's convenient for her, that way you're both happy to go.

ThreeLittleDots · 28/01/2023 11:55

Be grateful you have a friend who wants to go on holiday with you.

Mine don't even bother contacting me at all, for anything.

NameChangedForThissss · 28/01/2023 11:56

Why stitch yourself up, you asked her to go on holiday with you and now she has (eventually) said yes? Why not go and enjoy it.

Original poster

DilemmaADay · 28/01/2023 11:56

Sorry just to clear things up:

I'm married, friend isn't. I know a PP quoted her DH but it's me with the DH. Me and DH always go away together and separately with friends
Her DP hasn't dictated the week, sorry if I made it sound like that. Her DP is waiting on us to book our girly week so he can book with his friend, as his friend is apparently pestering him for dates.

OP posts:

CatSpeakForDummies · 28/01/2023 11:56

The last three years have not been normal years, holiday wise, for anyone. I think you are laying too much blame on her choosing the new partner, when in fact we were all forced to narrow our social lives and contacts, it isn't like she made this choice in a vacuum.

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt, if you think you'd enjoy holidaying together.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 28/01/2023 11:56

Does it matter?

If it would still be fun, go on holiday (with as many or few friends as suits.) If you wouldn’t enjoy her company, don’t go on holiday. Simple as that.

The reason for her availability (or lack of it) is irrelevant.

HereWeGoLoobyLou · 28/01/2023 11:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

OldEvilOwl · 28/01/2023 11:57

You are being petty

honeylulu · 28/01/2023 12:02

Do you still want to go on holiday with her, that's the real question. If you do say yes or if you don't say no and go with other friend.

third option (depends on whether Lucy and other friend know and like each other) is you organise holiday with your other friend and offer Lucy to tag along. That way you and other friend who are more invested in the trip itself get to call the shots and Lucy who is just interested insofar as it fits with her partner's plans can join if it suits her or not if it doesn't.

TolkiensFallow · 28/01/2023 12:03

You want to go on holiday with your friend. She’s struggled to do this for a few years - maybe due to money, the pandemic, limited annual leave, whatever. Now she can do it and your her first choice but you want to be petty and refuse to go?

kingtamponthefurred · 28/01/2023 12:04

Why do your friend and her partner have to go away at the same time if they are not going away together?

Original poster

DilemmaADay · 28/01/2023 12:09

@TolkiensFallow There's been no issues with Covid or A/L, Lucy's been away about 5 times with partner on pretty big holidays. Money no issue, both high earners

OP posts:

Original poster

DilemmaADay · 28/01/2023 12:11

@kingtamponthefurred Yes this is what I don't understand, it feels as though she only wants to go away because her DP is telling her she should do something nice in the week he's away.

OP posts:

Original poster

DilemmaADay · 28/01/2023 12:12

@honeylulu friend and Lucy know of each other, but completely different personalities. Don't think either would choose to holiday with each other, but would happily go for a meal/weekend away

OP posts:

silvermantella · 28/01/2023 12:13

I'd take out any feelings of being used. If you want to go on holiday with her and think you'd have a good time, go. Most people only have enough leave/money to take x amount of holidays per year, so it's not unusual to prioritise going with a partner rather than friends. Of course it's also absolutely fine to do both or go with friends!

If it was a choice between prioritising Lucy or other friend (e.g. they can't get the same dates off work, don't like each other, it would be significantly more expensive to do 3 compared to 2 as you'd need an extra room or whatever) I'd go with other friend, but if you'd otherwise enjoy either going just with Lucy or a 3 wouldn't cut off your nose to spite your face.

EyesOnThePies · 28/01/2023 12:16

You could look on it as taking the opportunity.

Do you want to go? Or are you more about weighing up who did what when why etc?

You say you reduced holidays and went a year or so between hols when you got married.

If you would enjoy the trip stop carping.

shivermetimbers77 · 28/01/2023 12:17

I don’t think it’s likely that she meant to slight you , it’s just one of those things that happens in life: people’s lives and priorities change and it’s natural that someone with a new partner is going to want to go on holiday with them , especially during the ‘honeymoon period’ . It doesn’t mean she doesn’t also value you and your friendship. However it sounds like you are feeling quite hurt by her behaviour and I think if you are to go on holiday together you will either need to find a way to make peace with what’s happened, and put it behind d you, or have a chat to her about how you feel.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/01/2023 12:23

shivermetimbers77 · 28/01/2023 12:17

This.
you wanted to go on holiday with Lucy and now she's asked you. I think her DH's requests that she go on holiday with a friend have made it easier for her to do it and you are her first choice.
That doesn't necessarily mean that you are being used. Just that the time, after all the pandemic etc, is now right and people are really thinking about holidays again.
So if the idea of being used by Lucy didn't exist, would you still want to go on holiday with her? Did you enjoy your time together.

Maybe in stead of a big holiday - you need a short weekend or a visit or trip to an event to reconnect with her. Then you could decide about the holiday.

It seems a shame to lose a long term friend - based on what you think she's thinking without getting together with her and seeing how it goes first.

CantFindTheBeat · 28/01/2023 12:29

EyesOnThePies · 28/01/2023 12:16

You could look on it as taking the opportunity.

Do you want to go? Or are you more about weighing up who did what when why etc?

You say you reduced holidays and went a year or so between hols when you got married.

If you would enjoy the trip stop carping.

This.

If you like her and would have a good time, see it as an opportunity to re-establish the tradition.

Although I guess as you started a thread on Mumsnet to say 'is she using me', you're probably not that into her any more anyway, to be honest.

TellingBone · 28/01/2023 12:30

What about other friend with whom you've already discussed going away together? How was that left?

Bamboozle123 · 28/01/2023 12:31

Hmm yeah I'd feel a bit used too.

Would probably still go if other terms of our friendship were fair and equal, but I can understand that feeling of a friendship of convenience is creeping in

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread