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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend wants to go on holiday...aibu

54 replies

DilemmaADay · 28/01/2023 11:22

Backstory, I have a friend of many years (I'll call her Lucy) who I used to do a lot of travelling with when we were in our 20s. Despite going through various stages of our lives such as boyfriends, my marriage etc we would still managed to go away to at least one place together every year or two years.

Recently Lucy's completely stopped the holidays with friends in exchange for holidays with her DP of 3 years. Fair enough, life happens. There's been a few talks of a girly holiday (prompted by me) which never amounted to anything and Lucy's ended up booking a holiday with her DP instead. Once again completely fair enough.

So my AIBU is that Lucy's brought up the girl's holiday again, which seemed a bit surprising as I dropped the idea a while back. It turns out her DP wants to go away with a friend of his, and has been asking Lucy when she's going away with her friends so he can book to go with his friend at the same time 🤔AIBU to feel a bit used, and that Lucy only wants to plan something because her DP has been pestering her for dates he can go away. It feels as though she doesn't actually want to go away but she wants something to do whilst DP isn't around. Would it be petty to make up excuses and go with another friend (who actually wants to go) instead?

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 28/01/2023 12:34

Don't cut off your nose to spite your face. You'll enjoy the trip and it might remind her how fun it is to go away with friends.

Billslills · 28/01/2023 12:36

Once upon a time I would've felt used, but as PP have said, life and priorities change and I don't think you should hold it against her. You've clearly maintained a close friendship over the past few years and you wanted to go away with her. Be thankful you have girlfriends you're close enough to go away with. Not everyone is so fortunate.

Original poster
DilemmaADay · 28/01/2023 12:37

Thanks for all the great responses. A lot to think about.

Me and Lucy used to go on a lot of holidays just the two of us but this girls holiday she has proposed is with a big group of her friends and me so it wouldn't really be much of a loss if I didn't attend. My other friend isn't in this group.

Me and and the other friend I just sorting out dates for when we can go away, in case it matters, she's married as well but likes holidaying with friends as well as DH

OP posts:
GoldilockMom · 28/01/2023 12:40

I would go with the original friend and Lucy can go with hers.

Just say you can’t make it as clearly you don’t want to go.

ChicoryDip · 28/01/2023 12:48

but this girls holiday she has proposed is with a big group of her friends and me so it wouldn't really be much of a loss if I didn't attend. My other friend isn't in this group.

This is a fairly vital piece of information.

In that case I'd just say that I had already arranged to go away with Other Friend and won't make this holiday with Lucy but hopefully there'll be a chance for the two of you to get away together another time.

Unless you fancy the big group holiday and can do both.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/01/2023 12:51

DilemmaADay · 28/01/2023 12:37

Thanks for all the great responses. A lot to think about.

Me and Lucy used to go on a lot of holidays just the two of us but this girls holiday she has proposed is with a big group of her friends and me so it wouldn't really be much of a loss if I didn't attend. My other friend isn't in this group.

Me and and the other friend I just sorting out dates for when we can go away, in case it matters, she's married as well but likes holidaying with friends as well as DH

Ooh, it's a hard no from me then. I'd fee that she still doesn't want to go on holiday with me, I'm just making up the numbers.

To be honest I was already leaning towards 'no', because this wasn't a plan coming from her but instead from her DP. He wants her to holiday with friends so that he can feel OK about holidaying with his. That could make for her being a bit mopey and missing him and possibly him being the sole topic of her conversation.

crosspusscrossstitcher · 28/01/2023 12:51

@DilemmaADay I would much rather spend time with a real friend that wanted to spend time with me than spend money and time on anything with someone because they were at a loose end.

crosspusscrossstitcher · 28/01/2023 12:54

she has proposed is with a big group of her friends then she can go with her friends. You don't have to go with them.

jellybeanteaparty · 28/01/2023 12:58

I would say no to the group holiday but if that doesn't work out for her you could do a weekend potentially

LittleStar22 · 28/01/2023 13:07

I think your feelings are valid.
I had a friend who for years I only saw with her partner. He would go everywhere with her.
She would only contact me for 1:1 time when he had other plans eg partner is going to a concert with his friend’s Saturday night, do you want to do something? Partner is visiting his parents this weekend, do you want to do something? I stopped making myself available because I felt used/second best.

aonbharr · 28/01/2023 13:08

I understand why you would feel a bit pissed off, but she has maybe found her person and you have a husband, cut her a break. If she is a person you really like, why not go with her. The flush of romance eventually wears off 🙄. Just accept where she is at and be the same friend or lose her for good.

UsingChangeofName · 28/01/2023 13:15

AnotherSpare · 28/01/2023 11:31

Does it matter how the opportunity came about? It's natural that she goes on holiday with her husband instead of with friends, it's natural that the friends she used to holiday with miss this. Since the opportunity has arisen, why not roll with it and enjoy a holiday together again? There's no "using" involved.

I agree with this.

Although since your post at 12:37, that is a completely different thing you are being invited to / that is being suggested.
So, make the decision on whether you would prefer to just do something with your other friend, or with a group of friends as Lucy is suggesting.
Don't waste your time keeping score of who wasn't able to prioritise you last year or not

alanabennett · 28/01/2023 13:19

PurpleRaindancing · 28/01/2023 11:49

So I say tell Lucy "oh those were the days.. but I holiday with my other good friend now, you've been busy with your DP for 3 years. No thanks I'm not planning two holidays this year, or being told which week we must take by someone else's partner ... hope you find a friend to holiday with.."

Are you in primary school?

FGS I do wonder how some people manage to get through their days, when they are so keenly looking for ways to be offended by other people.

OP, if you want to go on holiday, go. If it's not convenient, don't.

But enough of the "she prioritized her boyfriend over me and now I'm going to sulk about it" schtick. It makes you look like a teenager.

LindorDoubleChoc · 28/01/2023 13:19

Would it be petty to make up excuses and go with another friend (who actually wants to go) instead?

yes.

pocketvenuss · 28/01/2023 14:12

PurpleRaindancing · 28/01/2023 11:49

So I say tell Lucy "oh those were the days.. but I holiday with my other good friend now, you've been busy with your DP for 3 years. No thanks I'm not planning two holidays this year, or being told which week we must take by someone else's partner ... hope you find a friend to holiday with.."

Good grief. The pettiness of people. OP you weren't dumped for another friend. You all grew up and things change. Now there is an opportunity. Go in a holiday if you want to. Don't if you don't but for the love of all things adult, don't be a dick about it

Confusion101 · 28/01/2023 14:18

Its quite simple... If you want to go with Lucy, go with Lucy. If you want to go with the other friend, go with her.

Don't make up an excuse to not go with Lucy just for the sake on "one-upping" her!

Aprilx · 28/01/2023 14:20

People do tend to start to go on holiday with their partner rather than friends when they get older. If you don’t want to go on the holiday with her then don’t, but to do not do so because she went on holiday with her partner is petty and juvenile.

dontknowwhatisbest · 28/01/2023 14:38

It's tricky OP because there has already been quite a drip feed!

Initially I thought YANBU.

Then when you said that the DP isn't the one dictating the dates I thought YABabitU.

Now it turns out that your friend is organising a big girls holiday and just inviting you to tag along, YANBU.

But YABVU not to have included all this in the OP! Grin

Feraldogmum · 01/06/2023 11:26

Go with whom you wish to and will have the most fun with.

CoffeeCantata · 31/08/2023 14:11

Only go if it absolutely suits you - don't compromise on dates etc to fit in with her.

Really, I'd be polite and pleasant but decline her request and go with your other friend.

WanderleyWagon · 31/08/2023 14:37

The key issue is whether you would like to go on holiday with her or not. If you would, don't sweat the small stuff and just arrange something. If you wouldn't, don't go. The reasons why she's now available to go on holiday don't seem particularly important.

Grumpy101 · 31/08/2023 14:59

Don't drop the friend that actually already wants to go on holiday with you!

kitsuneghost · 31/08/2023 15:05

I think you are being ridiculous
Partner is away so she is free to go on Holiday

Witchbitch20 · 31/08/2023 15:05

If it’s bothering you this much, just say no.

Curseofthenation · 31/08/2023 15:09

I would go if I wanted to go. It sounds like the previous set-up suited you and your DH well, as you both liked to holiday together and separately with friends. Does that mean you were previously using Lucy? No. It simply means that holidays with Lucy worked well for you as your DH wanted to use some annual leave separately as well.

Perhaps Lucy's DP doesn't get as many opportunities to holiday with his friends, so he wants to use all his annual leave together. Who knows.

Base your decision on how you would like to use your annual leave.

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