What do I do?

[stuck21]

My wife's sex drive is all over the place.

She's now started having panic attacks when I suggest sex after we had a row about the lack of it in our marriage the other day.

I don't know what to do. We've had arguments about it before and she's told me I need to be more loving in my approach but I still get rejected even when I try that. Then when I back off she gets insulted that I'm not trying hard enough and that I'm clearly not attracted to her.

Very occasionally we will have sex two or three times in a week and I think we're getting back on track and then it all stops again.

It's pushing me away. Not that I would but I can really start to see why people have affairs when they are facing rejection so much at home.

AIBU to just want some sex in my marriage?!

Have any of you gone through similar issues? What do I do?!

When she says “more loving” I strongly suspect she doesn’t mean just when you want sex. She means in general, every day, without an expectation of sex.

I can’t imagine a world in which my husband would start an argument with me about wanting more sex. It would be a sure way of ensuring I even less sex as that really is very off-putting. Have you tried being nice to your wife.

2 or 3 times a week! Blimey back on track! Most middle aged men would think all their Christmases had come at once!

Could it be that she's hormonal or tired or you're irritating and you need to be more considerate?

I think if you say you can see why people have affairs when they aren't getting sex at home there's something more than sex missing from your marriage.

Yep, if you’re thinking of an affair just because you’re not getting enough, there’s more going in.
And if you asking for sex is giving your wife panic attacks, you need to look at yourself.

Absolutely this. She wants to feel valued and loved without you attaching the strings that you're only doing it because your want sex.

Yuck. Poor woman.

How old is she? Mid 40s 50ish I'm guessing and probably peri. Plays havock with your sex drive. That with your expectation of 2 to 3 times a week being 'on track', it's become an issue which is making her anxious, and that's a sure passion killer. Take a step back for a few months, and just be a loving caring partner without expecting sex. You'll probably find it happens naturally.

I was once told that foreplay for a woman is 24/7 - I am a woman and totally agree. If I am not feeling the love on a daily basis and only when sex is wanted, there's no way I feel like it. Your wife needs to feel loved and adored, not just for sex but for just being her. The rest is for you to suss out.

Yuck. Petulant toddler behaviour around sex is a huge turn off. If my dh constantly pestered me for sex I would go right off him.

I don't expect it 2-3 times a week. It just seems to come in waves rather than steady. I'd be happy with it once a month!

Late 30s

It's no use only taking a 'loving' approach when you want sex. You need to be (within reason) loving all the time, with no expectation of sex as a reward for this.

Have you talked to her about what actually gets her in the mood for sex?

Sorry should have clarified. I'm not just nice to her and creeping up her arse when I want sex. I'm loving with her all the time, always offering to help around the house and take over with the kids so she can go on spa days or out with her friends whenever she wants. I just don't ever feel like I get anything in return. I try so hard with her and I'm just being met with rejection and now it feels like she's going to extreme levels to avoid me with the panic attacks

Tell her you want to enroll in couples therapy, she also gets help for her anxiety issues, or you will need to consider ending the marriage. The situation as it stands is not tenable.

What is day to day life like?

Do you do half the laundry, cooking, cleaning, children activities etc.

Do you split lie ins at weekends

Basically are you doing everything you can to pull your weight in the domestic sphere.

Then are you prioritising spending romantic time together with no expectations of sex?

That's the baseline from which you can then work on the relationship.

But that's the minimum you need to do, and all that needs to work before you even start contemplating sex

She needs therapy for the panic attacks. Either individually or as a couple

always offering to help around the house and take over with the kids

I don't mean to sound as though I am picking your posts apart, but - 'help around the house'? Surely you both live in this house, you are both responsible for keeping it in a comfortable state - it is not 'helping round the house' when you live in the house.

The children - are you their dad? If so the same applies, you looking after them isn't doing her a favour, it's part of parenting.

I also thought the reference to helping and taking the kids suggesting that you think the domestic sphere is her responsibility and you help.

God men are so bloody clueless and pushy as if women are sex objects that exist purely for their sexual gratification and then wonder why they don’t get any 😂 make her feel loved and attractive as a person for a start without an agenda behind it.

I help around the house and with the kids as much as I can as I work full time and long days. Can't be expected to do everything. My wife is a stay at home mum which is hard work I know before you all jump down my throat.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to have a bit of give and take. Am I supposed to give everything and just let her take take take? I don't see her trying to romance me in anyway.

Suggested therapy. It's a no from her.

You are just as responsible for domestic chores and childcare as her.

She wants some affection sometimes but without the expectation of sex. Try some evenings just holding her hand. Kiss her as you leave the house (definitely shows no expectations). Be nice to her without ot having to lead to anything.

Wtf is wrong with you that you’d drive her to panic attacks just so you can get your rocks off? She’s human, if she doesn’t want to shag you that’s tough shit, you don’t get to make her feel panicked over needing to sleep with you. That’s not sex it’s rape.

It's not the amount you do in the house, it's your mindset towards doing it. I'm female and work full-time; my husband is retired, so naturally a greater share of housework falls to him because he has more time (and there are no children in the house). But if I, say, wash up or vacuum or put a load of washing through, I don't see it as 'helping' - I'm not doing a favour, I'm playing my part in the mutual goal of keeping on top of the housework.

What is it you feel your wife is taking from you?

Wanting her to be romantic towards you is very natural - again, have you told her this - not making it about sex, but about romance? I assume there was romance between you when you first got together - have you thought what you can do to recreate that? Do you still go out together as a couple without the children - and if you do, are you attentive to each other?

Working on building back the romance would be a very good step in my opinion - but being explicit that this is about love and romance, not sex - even banning sex from the agenda for a time, if that's what it takes. If your wife can feel assured that an atmosphere of romance definitely won't result in demands for sex, it might help her engage. Once you have got the romance back, you can start working on the sex.

How old are the kids?

This might just be the most badly extrapolated response I have ever seen on mumsnet