My partner and I both work and I’m at university but feel like he isn’t helping enough

[Rhaych2003]

My son is 8 months old. I’m at university one day per week and the rest is online, a lot of work though, I also work in a care home. My partner just started a new job at a factory, 3pm-11pm. He does the night feeds then does nothin else for the rest of the day. Since he does nights, I do mornings. So son wakes up about 6-7am and i get him up, fed, dressed. My partner gets up for a few hours but doesn’t help with baby, mostly everything is already done. Partner then gets to have a 2 hour nap before his shift starts. Baby normally asleep when he comes in and he does night feeds and then I’m up again all over at 6-7am to do the full day alone

it feels like his tiredness is prioritised when it’s me who worked till the end of my pregnancy as he didn’t work and couldn’t provide despite given multiple changes. It’s me who paid for everything up until now. It’s me who feeds the baby all day, changes him, comforts him, which I love doing.

am I being unreasonable for wanting abit of a break and help during the day?? I understand in most cases dads sleep is priority if he works, but in this case we both work and I also do university which is contributing to our future.

I do all the housework, when he’s done the night feeds I wake up with 4 bottles to sterilise

He also wants to go to the gym after he finishes shift at 11.15pm

He should be helping out with the housework in that time he is awake in the morning given there is nothing left to do for baby.

No, YANBU. You need to have a sit down with him and lay it on the table - how many hours you spend working/doing housework/caring for baby, and how little he does, and get things on a more even keel.

Is him going to the gym after work going to affect his time dealing with the baby or is baby asleep at that time? If it won't affect the night feeds I'd let that go, as long as he starts pulling his weight in the day when he's home.

He sounds quite lazy, but it’s unlikely to change - have you always done all the housework?

Get rid of the phrase 'helping'. There's two adults in your house and both need to pull their weight. Then there's the parenting side. It doesn't matter how many hours you work, you don't get to cop out of parenting. I doubt that the women working nights get to do nothing at home.

what does he actually bring to the relationship

He works 3-11? Does he have a long commute? Cause that’s hardly a night shift, it’s just a late night.

i never said he did night shift, when I said he did nights and I do mornings, I meant the baby feeds xx

He doesn’t do night shifts, when I said I do mornings and he does nights, I was referring to To the babies feeds. Sorry should of clarified that I didn’t realise how it sounded xx

No, I mean, he has no reason to be slacking off and sleeping loads as that isn’t a night shift, it’s just a late night.

Maybe you should share the night feeds and agree to share things more equally in the day too. Broken sleep is not fun so I can see why he has a nap in the day.

So when you say he does nights with the baby what all is he doing then? Is he sleeping and then waking up with baby?

I totally think partners need to do their share and it does sound like you feel you are doing more, however wonder if he's up all evening with baby? Does this allow you to get a full nights undisturbed sleep?

He prefers to do the night feeds and for me to do the mornings, as he’d rather the lie in. I don’t get a full nights undisturbed nights sleep as I’m awake when son wakes during night anyways. Before he started this job, he was going to the gym 9pm till around 11pm/12pm including commute and dropping his mate off. Son normally wakes up between 11pm-1am for a feed so I have to sort him when partners at gym, so going to bed earlier to get a longer undisturbed sleep probably wouldn’t work for me. Then he gets up through night with little boy.

My little boy normally wakes up twice during the night and is never normally awake for long, normally straight to sleep after bottle xx

With all due respect here your last post is a bit contradictory in that you can't get a good sleep because baby wakes you too but partner must get a good sleep because baby only wakes once or twice a night?

I never said partner must get a good sleep cos of how often my child wakes up?? I never made that assumption. I was stating a fact, that my child normally wakes up twice a night for general background info.

Where does your baby go when you’re working?

Why does that matter lol?

Well you don’t mention how many hours you work, and if DH is taking care of baby then or if it’s going to nursery/childminder etc. just helps to get a better idea of what’s going on.

He should be doing housework when he’s up in the day though.

Is he looking for a job with more normal hours? That would probably help too

If he's doing childcare all day and then working until 11 that's a very long day

I'll make a wild guess and assume your partner did fuck all before the baby, so it's really foolish to think he's going to step up now. What you see is what you get.

He isnt watching the baby when I’m at work, it’s me doing the childcare and my family members doing it when I’m at work xx

He isn’t, my family members watch the baby when I’m at work x

Firstly your partner shouldn't be 'helping' at all. He should be doing his fair share of childcare (and housework etc)
You've not really said where you baby is during the bulk of the day but I'll assume you're at work (shifts or studying). To me the sensible thing would be for you to get up with baby and do what needs doing whilst H has a lie in, then he gets up and joins you either with childcare or housework. He doesn't go back for a nap, he plods on and goes to work. You finish work, continue with childcare as needed, put baby to bed relax for an hour..H comes home, hour together, you go bed. H handles night waking.
If it's a particularly bad evening maybe give him a longer lie in.if you've got a important assignment he takes lead.
Any possibility he could swap to 6 -2 shift so you get evenings together?

This post is about the baby though and helping with him??? He did used to help actually with housework, but I didn’t mind doing it. I like cleaning. I mentioned he doesn’t do much housework, but that’s not the point, and he did used to help with housework sometimes but never used to be much to do in our house as kept on top of it x

Its me doing that very long day apart from the few hours I’m at work when my dad has him, or another family, he doesn’t watch the before he goes to work if I’m working that day as he wakes up late and then naps and is always rushing for work. My baby goes with my dad for the few hours I’m at work then I have him xx