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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have been upset by this comment?

28 replies

BobbinRobbin · 27/01/2023 23:04

Name Changed.

A few years ago I had cancer twice and had to have surgery, then chemo and radiotherapy. Before the radiotherapy, I had to have four small tattoos on my body so that the machine could be accurately positioned each time. These tattoos are just dots really, but they are visible and I don't like them. Anyway, in bed this evening my partner looked at one of these tattoos and sarcastically said “I LOVE your tattoos… are they supposed to be a view of the earth from really far away?” For context, this is loosely based on a really old episode of Friends.

Anyway, his comment upset me because I didn’t choose to have these tattoos and they are a permanent reminder of a really awful period of my life. I really don't need him to draw attention to them and take the piss. My partner and I were together throughout all of my cancer diagnoses/treatments, though it was all in the midst of the Covid lockdowns and he didn’t actually come to the hospital with me for any of it (apart from the diagnoses themselves), so he’s possibly a bit disconnected from everything I went through.

Nonetheless, it just felt like a really insensitive, shitty thing to say. He did apologise when I said he’d upset me, but I’m just trying to decide if I’ve overreacted.

AIBU? Would it have upset you?

OP posts:
DrFoxtrot · 27/01/2023 23:07

Yes it would definitely have upset me, YANBU. Why on earth did he think it was appropriate to make that sort of comment, did he say why he'd said it?

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 27/01/2023 23:07

He's a twat either way but he's more of a twat if he already knew what they were and why

Sickofcoughing · 27/01/2023 23:08

I've been through similar op and I can see why his words would sting.

Did you have any counseling since your treatment ended? It's a pretty harrowing experience.

ZestFest · 27/01/2023 23:08

Oh gosh that's awful and completely insensitive. I'm so sorry OP, I'd have found that thoughtless as well. Why did he feel he needed to make any comment at all?

sunseaandme · 27/01/2023 23:09

It's very hard to say as I haven't been through what you have so I can't relate, it must have been so awful Flowersfrom an outsider it seems like maybe he was aware you are insecure of them and was trying to make you feel better by making a joke (clearly not a good idea and poorly executed!!) I don't think you over reacted as it's your body and obviously they a reminder of something horrific you went through so only you know how a joke about them made you feel x

MsVestibule · 27/01/2023 23:10

I don't remember that episode - is it possible he watched it recently and thought 'that's a good joke, I'll use it on bobbin later'? Is he normally this insensitive?

Maray1967 · 27/01/2023 23:10

That would have upset me very very much. What an idiot. Why did he say it?

Butchyrestingface · 27/01/2023 23:11

Did he KNOW what they were when he said it? I think the fact he's apologised indicates he is taking your distress seriously and will hopefully bite his tongue in future.

Feliciacat · 27/01/2023 23:11

I do not think you have been over sensitive. You went through a lot so the tattoos must be triggering for you (side note, could you get them lasered off?). I’m sorry you went through that.

However, you said it yourself, he probably doesn’t understand it as deeply as you do because he wasn’t able to be present. He doesn’t appreciate the trauma as he wasn’t there. So I imagine that talking to him (which you’ve done) should resolve things.

He did apologise to you which is good. Possibly he also thought maybe it would help to ‘look back and laugh’ at the situation (I understand that this is not the case). I don’t think you’re being unreasonable or over sensitive but I don’t necessarily think he was being unreasonable either given that he’s further removed from your situation.

harrassedmumto3 · 27/01/2023 23:12

Whaaat? I thought you were going to say that this was a new partner, who wasn't aware of their significance.
YANBU.

melchim · 27/01/2023 23:12

I could imagine my lovely husband saying something like that as a thoughtless joke without realising it would be hurtful.

It is hard to tell, is your partner normally considerate and caring or is he sometimes rude to you?

The fact that he apologised instead of getting defensive or annoyed is something at least.

theGooHasGone · 27/01/2023 23:16

This sounds like one of those men are from Mars, women are from Venus type things where he thought it would be cute and funny but totally missed the mark. As he's apologised I'd try to let it go.

It definitely sounds like it'd be worth looking into laser removal if you haven't previously.

ItsAnOrgasmNotAFabergeEgg · 27/01/2023 23:16

Yeah it’s a shit joke, but if he’s apologised and isn’t generally an insensitive dick it’s probably one to let go as a poor taste joke that went down badly. If he didn’t mean it with malice he probably just thought he was making a glib comment to show that he doesn’t see them as something ‘unattractive’ or to feel self conscious of - unfortunately it’s has the opposite effect.

I haven’t been through what you have. But I can imagine initially laughing in shock at the inappropriateness of the joke, as it could be quite funny in the right context - but it would also then play on my mind that he’d pointed it out. Clearly it’s still too soon, or for another reason you’re not ok to joke about it and hopefully he knows that now

I have a birthmark and I forget it’s there until someone asks about it. If someone made a joke once I’d maybe laugh if it was genuinely funny, but it would also probably sting a bit when I thought about it.

Original poster
BobbinRobbin · 28/01/2023 03:28

Thank you, everyone, for your balanced views.

I should have clarified that my partner absolutely knows what the tattoos are and why I have them. He is also aware that I don’t like them and have previously spoken of getting them covered with proper tattoos. A few people here have mentioned laser removal and this has weirdly never occurred to me before, so thanks for the suggestion and I may look into it.

He’s been known in the past to make insensitive comments in an attempt to be funny. Though I’d have thought that he’d have sense enough to know that my cancer experiences are not available for mockery! He’s had some major mental health issues over the years and I simply wouldn’t dream of trying to make a joke of any of that. If I did, he’d probably never forgive me and rightly so.

Though I take on board that his apology shows that he wasn’t trying to be intentionally hurtful. It just felt like he’d massively overstepped the mark this time.

@Sickofcoughing I have not considered therapy. I decided to just try to get on with my life and I felt that therapy would have prolonged it all. I’m sorry to hear you’ve had a similar experience and hope that you are fully recovered now.

@MsVestibule Not the point of the thread, but it’s The One Where Joey Moves Out. Rachel and Phoebe go to get tattoos and Phoebe just has a tiny dot before chickening out.

OP posts:
Beeswood · 28/01/2023 04:19

I had these tattoos too when I had breast cancer.
I had them removed by laser treatment at a tattoo parlour.
It wasn't too expensive, worth it for me as you could see the biggest dot in my swimming costume which I didn't like.

Riverlee · 28/01/2023 04:26

“Yeah it’s a shit joke, but if he’s apologised and isn’t generally an insensitive dick it’s probably one to let go as a poor taste joke that went down badly. If he didn’t mean it with malice he probably just thought he was making a glib comment to show that he doesn’t see them as something ‘unattractive’ or to feel self conscious of - unfortunately it’s has the opposite effect.”

I think this also. A comment that backfired. IF the cancer was a few years ago, he may not fully appreciate how they’re a constant reminder to you, (I also have these dots).

Tilllly · 28/01/2023 09:58

I have the dots too

Was the only time in the entire process that I cried. I hate them - and tattoos generally

My husband says he can't see them... so either he's a liar or blind. Either way it's kinder than what you just heard.

Tell him how it's hurt you. Clearly.

Perhaps he (stupidly) thought it would help

I was told they needed to be permanent, in case it came back, so they could see where they'd targeted the radio, so not to get them removed

Original poster
BobbinRobbin · 28/01/2023 21:54

@Tilllly That's awful, I hope you're fully recovered now and it's all a distant memory.

It's interesting that you were told not to remove the dots. I wasn't told that and I was always under the impression that I wouldn't be able to have a second batch of external beam radiotherapy in the same area. But I'm not an oncologist or radiologist, so what do I know?!

OP posts:
Confusedmeanderings · 28/01/2023 22:06

I have the dots too from breast cancer last year. I totally understand why you were upset. I must admit your DH's comment is exactly the kind of thing my DH might say, thinking he was being affectionately funny and totally getting it wrong. Give yourself some time to let the hurt subside and then talk about it again.

WindscreenWipe · 28/01/2023 22:12

I had bowel cancer and have the same thing. My DH is colourblind and can’t tell that they’re blueish so wouldn’t have made the joke and I’m freckly anyway so I don’t think he can see the difference. Personally, I wouldn’t be upset or offended if a partner said that to me - I’m a sucker for a Friend’s reference. But, that doesn’t mean you’re unreasonable to feel that way that you do. If he’s genuinely apologised then I’d move on, he didn’t know it’d upset you and he didn’t mean to. YANBU to be upset but I don’t think he should’ve known it would’ve upset you. I also have a scar shaped like Great Britain on my hand and if we get lost or something my DH regularly tells me to “check my map”.

Vallmo47 · 28/01/2023 22:13

It’s insensitive OP. I’m sorry. I hope he will never make that error of judgment again.

Vallmo47 · 28/01/2023 22:15

I wanted to add that I hope that time helps you see these tattoos as something to be proud of- something terrible you had to fight but overcome. I had a cyst removed beneath my breast and it’s not a pretty scar but sometimes I look at it and smile because it could have been much worse and I was very lucky. I understand that’s hard to do, but I hope time gets you there.

Tilllly · 28/01/2023 23:11

BobbinRobbin · 28/01/2023 21:54

@Tilllly That's awful, I hope you're fully recovered now and it's all a distant memory.

It's interesting that you were told not to remove the dots. I wasn't told that and I was always under the impression that I wouldn't be able to have a second batch of external beam radiotherapy in the same area. But I'm not an oncologist or radiologist, so what do I know?!

No idea
And I asked lots of questions. Lots.
DS1 is a doctor and said he's never known a patient ask so many questions 😂
But I was definitely told that - but I was surprised at the variation in treatment for breast cancer btwn individuals

LetMeTryAgain · 28/01/2023 23:25

I have those tattoos from breast cancer treatment. One in the centre is , in my mind, particularly visible. Thank goodness I didn’t have them removed because I developed a different cancer in the other breast and needed radiotherapy again.

That visible central tattoo ensured that I could be safely treated for a second time.

While I wouldn’t say that I love that tattoo, I am now very grateful for it.

turnipash · 29/01/2023 09:21

You haven't over reacted but it doesn't sound like he said anything malicious

It was a joke. I remembered the friends episode

If you been together a long time, he may have felt comfortable in making a light hearted joke about it

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