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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Lending money from family

50 replies

asaf · 27/01/2023 21:58

Would you/have you done it? In your experience does it ever turn out to be a good idea? I'm not talking a small amount here btw.

OP posts:
catsnore · 27/01/2023 22:03

My dad always told me never to lend anything you can't afford to lose. Even if it's family (probably worse!!!). Are you the borrower or the lender?

CouldOfIsntRight · 27/01/2023 22:04

I borrowed some money off DSis, just for 3 weeks, a couple of years ago. Paid her back asap.

I lent her a couple of thousand back in August. I don’t know why I’m so uncomfortable about asking for it back. She has quite possibly forgotten she’s borrowed it, or maybe she doesn’t have it to repay, I don’t know. DH is bugging me to ask her but I feel weird about it. I definitely need it back though.

if it was a huge amount, no. I would never borrow that much as there would be no way I would be able to pay it back without selling my house!

TinyArsePhone · 27/01/2023 22:05

Do you mean lending money to family?

Or borrowing money from family?

CouldOfIsntRight · 27/01/2023 22:09

You know what op meant @TinyArsePhone 🙄

Eastereggsboxedupready · 27/01/2023 22:10

Up to prob a grand gets happily loaned out here... That's the most any of us have to give!!

TinyArsePhone · 27/01/2023 22:13

CouldOfIsntRight · 27/01/2023 22:09

You know what op meant @TinyArsePhone 🙄

No, actually, it isn't clear if OP is the lender or the borrower and I'm obviously not the only poster to think so!

Kitkatcatflap · 27/01/2023 22:15

Who forgets if they borrowed £3,000 from a sibling, less than 6 months ago? NO ONE.

Don't say anything. Write it down, get her to confirm it was a loan that you would like returned.

RethinkingLife · 27/01/2023 22:19

It's far more effective to signpost people to StepChange, Christians Against Poverty or similar.

Never, ever. lend money that you can't afford to lose. No matter how amazing people's protestations, you will rarely, if ever, see the money again. You rarely, if ever, know the full story of how many people they borrow from. Even when they have the money, they're unlikely to be doing something effective with it.

Depending on the sum, and the circumstances, if people don't have the money to cover themselves now, it's unlikely things will get better in the future and allow them to repay you. There will always be some new catastrophe that is more important to deal with than repaying you.

stripedsox · 27/01/2023 22:20

Are you lending or borrowing op? It's not obvious to the dim one wearing striped sox 🤔
Personally I would never borrow for choice, and no way would I lend either, fingers burnt badly on that score.

User76765 · 27/01/2023 22:24

Why is there so much objection to pointing out the error? You lend to someone, you borrow from someone. It’s helpful to point this out imo. How will people learn if they’re never told?

PurpleEmpress · 27/01/2023 22:31

I loaned my DSis the money to pay the very large deposit she needed on a flat she was going to rent. It was quite a few years ago and I was miserable doing so until I got the money back. I did get the money back but those days, and it was only a few days, waiting for it were awful

asaf · 27/01/2023 22:32

I was considering borrowing some money from a family member. So I was just after advice before I asked

OP posts:
Ireolu · 27/01/2023 22:33

Give what you won't miss if it doesn't come back. I loaned my DB 2k he paid it back within a couple of months though.

BMW6 · 27/01/2023 22:36

Only borrow if you will absolutely 100% definitely pay it back on time with no prevarication or excuses NO MATTER WHAT

I have to ask if you need to borrow how can you repay it?

FishyontheLittleDishy · 27/01/2023 22:38

I wouldn’t ever lend money to anyone ever.

I have however given money to two sisters who didn’t ask but were in difficult circumstances.

WednesdaysNameIsFullOfWoe · 27/01/2023 22:39

asaf · 27/01/2023 21:58

Would you/have you done it? In your experience does it ever turn out to be a good idea? I'm not talking a small amount here btw.

Lending to, or borrowing from?

DH lent quite a few thousand pounds to a cousin in need, and it was never repaid. It was for a genuine, urgent need (he needed a good lawyer), and the dousing simply never mentioned it again. He bought a nice-ish convertible Mercedes a few years later for more than he’d borrowed, then declared bankruptcy.

For the sake of less than the cost of a good holiday he wrecked a close relationship, and tore a rift through the extended family.

WednesdaysNameIsFullOfWoe · 27/01/2023 22:42

asaf · 27/01/2023 22:32

I was considering borrowing some money from a family member. So I was just after advice before I asked

Please try not to.

If you fail to pay it back on time then they will forever resent you. If you do pay it back, month after month, long after you’ve forgotten how important the original loan was for you, then you’ll very likely resent them for taking “your” money every month that they need less than you.

Borrow from a bank. If a bank will not lend to you then reflect on why that is.

NumberTheory · 27/01/2023 22:48

I borrowed money off my mum when I was younger and my DH borrowed some of his parents to pay for a deposit on our first house. It was fine.

My DM is not in anyway controlling or judgmental. She wasn’t that bothered about being paid back. I paid her back once I had plenty of spare cash. Tried to pay interest which she wouldn’t accept so I felt very mildly guilty about it for a while, but not enough to wish I’d done things differently!

With my DH’s parents we set up a repayment schedule with (very low) interest and stuck to it.

The loans caused no problems at all. They got mentioned very occasionally when we checked in. I don’t think our parents ever mentioned the loans off their own bat. But we stuck to everything we’d said we would do and also got DH’s parent’s a gift and took my mum out for a meal after we’d paid them off.

SarahAndQuack · 27/01/2023 22:51

I think it would very much depend on family culture (and TBH, if you're asking, you're probably worried so probably, there is not a culture of lending in a way that works).

In my immediate natal family, I have lent money (more than 1k and less than 10k); my brother lent me similar amounts when I was getting divorced. These sums have all been lent on an 'honesty' basis and have all been paid back. My parents lent my older brother a larger sum when he was buying a house. I don't believe they had any formal agreement about it, and I know he paid it back. They also lent me more money than that to buy a house, under a formal agreement. I have no intention not to pay them back (!), but if I failed, they would legally be entitled to take that money back by requiring me to sell the house (and, if I were in negative equity, anything else valuable until I could pay them back). They would not have chosen to do this (nor would I), and the reason we're doing it is that my partner has such bad credit we couldn't get a mortgage. I do know it's quite clear to everyone in my family that you'd never loan money and not pay it back; it's never been treated as emotional, even if someone is struggling. Either you give money because you can afford it (and it's a sensible amount), or you loan it and the other person knows they must pay it back and it's non-negotiable. Having a legal agreement for large sums makes it less emotional, and it's a good option if you are organised about it.

By contrast, I would not lend money within my partner's family, because the attitude to money is much more informal. I would never take a family loan if I didn't know how it would be paid back. My MIL would always take a loan because she simply doesn't think about things like that. She would always mean to pay it back, and she would do small, generous things like buying you a nice book or a pretty present, but it would not occur to her that she really had to have plans to pay back the whole sum. In her mind, if someone lends you money, they don't really need it, so they won't mind if they never see it again. My BIL and SILs are a bit similar.

I could be wrong, but I think probably attitudes to lending have a lot to do with how well-off you are as a family, and probably, being willing and able to lend money to family is what keeps some families rich. My MIL won't pay back a loan because she has been poor and struggling all her life, and it's normal to her to take whatever she can and avoid paying it back, because otherwise she would not cope. By contrast, my dad is delighted he loaned my younger brother a deposit on a London flat in 2009, because my brother of course paid back that sum and has recently sold that London flat for enormously more than it cost a decade ago. It's ethically really tricky.

WaitingForSummertime · 27/01/2023 22:52

My family have done it a few times,but always on a very proper basis. Agreed in writing, and at a small rate of interest, about what you'd get from the bank, plus a fraction. Therefore the lenders help and make no loss, and the borrower's get money far, far more cheaply than a credit card or a bank loan. However, frankly, no one is likely to default, as we are all very sensible and responsible. I would be very reluctant to lend to someone who was a risk as it causes fractured relationships.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/01/2023 22:54

How much do you want and who from?

Missymarple · 27/01/2023 22:56

I learnt a long time ago that the quickest way to lose family or friends is to lend them money. If I can afford it, I'll give them the money and tell them to keep it. IME people resent having to pay money back, and you end up being the bad guy if you have to ask for it back. Much easier to make it a gift rather than a loan, if you can.

Thatiswild · 27/01/2023 22:56

I’ve lent to family members and borrowed once a small amount from a parent for a few weeks as a bridging loan, all have been paid back or were loans I knew weren’t loans and would be gifts that I fully accepted I wouldn’t get back but I wanted to help. Have had problems lending friends money but only small amounts and I knew I was ok if I didn’t get it back so accepted that I wanted to help.

SarahAndQuack · 27/01/2023 23:01

Missymarple · 27/01/2023 22:56

I learnt a long time ago that the quickest way to lose family or friends is to lend them money. If I can afford it, I'll give them the money and tell them to keep it. IME people resent having to pay money back, and you end up being the bad guy if you have to ask for it back. Much easier to make it a gift rather than a loan, if you can.

I don't think this is always true, though.

I know for a fact my relationship with my brother is stronger because we've both been able to ask for help, and we both trust each other. If either of us had given the other money, the relationship would be different and would have an element of inequality that would, I think, be hard to navigate.

Missymarple · 27/01/2023 23:13

SarahAndQuack · 27/01/2023 23:01

I don't think this is always true, though.

I know for a fact my relationship with my brother is stronger because we've both been able to ask for help, and we both trust each other. If either of us had given the other money, the relationship would be different and would have an element of inequality that would, I think, be hard to navigate.

Maybe not always true for everyone, just in my experience. I lost a friendship and very nearly a sister after separately lending them money - cannot tell you how much I loathed being having to chase them for my own money, then being treated like I was in the wrong for doing so after I did them a favour in the first place. Never again, it's just not worth it for me.

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