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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I was the CF - The hover was not mine

29 replies

fortheloveofhovers · 27/01/2023 17:14

Sorry name chance as I know I am the one was was wrong!

This was a little while ago but it plays on my mind and I don't think I will ever be able to fully repair my relationship with my uncle after taking his hoover without permission.

In a nut shell, my uncle bought my grandparents house (I was raised by my GPs in that house most of my life). I was accused by my uncle of 'looking too longingly around the house' after he bought it, I didn't go into bedrooms or anything, I might have commented on what they changed but I didn't snoop or over stay my welcome. My husband was with me and said he didn't think I was longing after the place, but I guess I did look fondly at the house I grew up in. My husband is a trades man and did a couple of small jobs of them for free also. I had handed my key back after he bought the house (obviously), never walked into his house (even though a few members of my family still did) after his bought it. My mum rents a few doors down from this house.

She became suddenly unexpectedly sick and developed sepsis. I live the other side of the country and was phone to come home immediately as in leave work now. She was in ICU and I was told to 'prepare' myself. She did recover but spent 6 weeks in hospital.

Just before she was coming home I was staying at hers and wanted to freshen the place up for her. The hoover wouldn't work. I knocked on my uncles door, no one in. I phoned my aunt, as I knew his eldest child (13yrs old) was there. I asked aunt to ask my cousin could I collect her to bring her home to let me into the house to borrow the hoover. Cousin said she was playing a game and didn't want to leave but the spare key was hidden in x place and to borrow it. I told my aunt I didn't think I should as I didn't think uncle would like it, since he thought I had hang ups on the house. She said she used the spare key several times and it'd be grand. So I borrowed the hoover, used it, returned it.

Also worth mentioning his wife doesn't like me. Probably for many reason, not sure what they are. But I know one thing for years was that I didn't go her dads funeral that 'I don't give a shit about anyone else, and only care about myself' I did go to her dads funeral she just didn't see me there!! I had an exam the following day so went to the service, briefly to the pub but left very early. I am fairly certain she did speak to me at it.

Any night of the hoover, my friend called and said lets go for a drink you've been so stressed recently. My uncle and his wife landed into the pub that night. He was after a few. And yelled about how much a disrespectiful little CF I was. That I had no right to enter his house without his permission. I did apologies but he said it was just me all over that I don't give a crap about anyone else and do what I want.

I was dramatic as a child and did have a lot of tantrums but honestly haven't been like that since I was a pre teen.

I think I just need this off my chest. Our relationship has never been the same and it makes me sad. We have had a few family events since and I pretend everything is OK even if he does try and start something. I just agree with what ever he says and leave it at that or just physically distance from him.

I do know I was a cf to go into his house without his permission.

OP posts:
Coffeetree · 27/01/2023 17:27

His behaviour is inexcusable. Why do you want to "repair" anything with him?

FreddieDeLaHay · 27/01/2023 17:45

Your aunt said you could use the key
YANBU
Uncle sounds deranged unreasonable

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/01/2023 17:55

Uncle sounds completely unreasonable, and yes deranged, as a pp put it!

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/01/2023 18:04

You didn’t do anything wrong OP, you were told it would be fine. Plus no one normal would care about this.

If you seriously think he has a point you do need to do some work on your self esteem.

He sounds like the sort of person to avoid so I wouldn’t worry about your relationship with him.

HanSB · 27/01/2023 18:05

Why do you want a relationship with this man. Your uncle clearly dislikes and distrusts you and his wife is aware of this and still wanted to cause trouble by giving you permission to go in with the spare key. Avoid both of them in the future!

NoSquirrels · 27/01/2023 18:07

I’ve voted YABU because YABU to think that you did anything wrong.

Your uncle is a miserable, mean bastard.

Emmamoo89 · 27/01/2023 18:10

YANBU X

Yesthatismychildsigh · 27/01/2023 18:10

Hang on, it’s not so clear. Was the aunt that told you to use the key the wife of the uncle?

Catnary · 27/01/2023 18:16

Am I right in thinking that your Aunt, in the OP, is not your uncle’s wife but another of your Mum’s siblings?

So cousin was round at your mutual Aunt’s house while her parents were out?

How is your Mum doing now?

You need to be very clear with Uncle’s wife that you were at the funeral. It’s wrong that she should think badly of you based on something that is not true.

I am astonished that a man whose sister almost died would give a toss about this minor thing.

NoSquirrels · 27/01/2023 18:16

Yesthatismychildsigh · 27/01/2023 18:10

Hang on, it’s not so clear. Was the aunt that told you to use the key the wife of the uncle?

Does it matter? He’s still a miserable bastard. His sister, who lives a few doors down, has been in hospital seriously I’ll fit weeks, and he’s giving out about someone who’s used his hoover to clean her place as someone who doesn’t give a shit about others.

I think it’s clear who doesn’t give a shit about others, and it’s not the OP.

Catnary · 27/01/2023 18:17

Yesthatismychildsigh · 27/01/2023 18:10

Hang on, it’s not so clear. Was the aunt that told you to use the key the wife of the uncle?

I think probably the uncle’s sister.

CherieBabySpliffUp · 27/01/2023 18:17

I read it as the aunt who told the OP that she could go into the house wasn't the uncle's wife? As the OP stated that the uncle's wife doesn't like her so surely she wouldn't have told the OP that she could go in. If I'm wrong then given the wife also lives there and the OP had permission from the wife to go in the uncle is an arse.

Catnary · 27/01/2023 18:19

NoSquirrels · 27/01/2023 18:16

Does it matter? He’s still a miserable bastard. His sister, who lives a few doors down, has been in hospital seriously I’ll fit weeks, and he’s giving out about someone who’s used his hoover to clean her place as someone who doesn’t give a shit about others.

I think it’s clear who doesn’t give a shit about others, and it’s not the OP.

Show quote history

It matters to some extent because the Uncle’s wife could give permission to enter the house as she lived there. As it was, only the 13 year-old child gave permission. The other Aunt just said “it’ll be fine”, but she had no authority.

But I agree with you the whole scenario is ridiculous.

Pootles34 · 27/01/2023 18:20

What a miserable bastard he is -stop being so nice to him OP. I'd also remind him of the free work your husband did for him.

DingDongDenny · 27/01/2023 18:23

It sounds to me like he is acting out of guilt. Did he buy the house on the cheap by any chance?

AFS1 · 27/01/2023 18:27

Every family has an Uncle Knobhead. He’s clearly yours.
He sounds horrible. I wouldn’t be trying to build bridges.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 27/01/2023 18:31

NoSquirrels · 27/01/2023 18:16

Does it matter? He’s still a miserable bastard. His sister, who lives a few doors down, has been in hospital seriously I’ll fit weeks, and he’s giving out about someone who’s used his hoover to clean her place as someone who doesn’t give a shit about others.

I think it’s clear who doesn’t give a shit about others, and it’s not the OP.

Show quote history

Of course it matters.

Original poster
fortheloveofhovers · 27/01/2023 18:50

Sorry, that wasn't clear. The aunt I am talking about is my uncles and my mums sister. I never refer to his wife as aunt so I hadn't actually thought of the confusion when posting I'd always call her by her 1st name.

I miss the relationship because he grew up as my brother and I always looked up to him. I also hate any ill feelings it makes me feel very bad. I don't think we ever will have a relationship. My husband is NOT a fan of his at all and thinks I am better off not engaging. I of course do not let these feeling have any bearing on how I treat his children who I regard as my DN. It is a self esteem thing wrapped up in not knowing my place in the family.

OP posts:
Original poster
fortheloveofhovers · 27/01/2023 19:05

So basically neither person who own the house gave me permission to enter. Their teenage child did because she didn't want to come over and let me in. So did my aunt (uncles sister) now in fairness she had no right to give me permission. She apologised many times to my uncle and tried to take the blame for me but he said it was my fault and was another example of how disrespectful or something like that, that I am.

And yes my mum is fine now thankfully. Sepsis is scary!

OP posts:
Coffeetree · 27/01/2023 19:07

It was he who caused the relationship to break down. He could have taken you aside and said, "I'm really disappointed that you let yourself in". Instead he drunkenly screamed at you, in front of others. At a time when your mother had nearly died. It honestly sounds like you were traumatised by all that and hence it's still playing on your mind.

Coffeetree · 27/01/2023 19:09

And now your aunt is falling over herself apologising too? It sounds like there's a dynamic of women in your family being bullied by the Big Scary Men.

Catnary · 27/01/2023 19:17

Your husband sounds great and like he has your back. What does your Mum think about all this?

PontifiKaty · 27/01/2023 19:34

So was there a thread a few months back about this from the ‘other’ perspective? Do you know who wrote it? Do you have a link? (He sounds really horrible)

Original poster
fortheloveofhovers · 27/01/2023 22:16

@Coffeetree that aunt had a few years of not really talking with that uncle, I was too young to be told what went on so I don't know. But when he had his 1st child she made all the effort to mend things to be involved with her DN. So didn't want to rock the boat.

@Catnary my mum isn't really impressed with him at all, but it actually was down to him that she got help when she needed. He noticed her curtains were still closed later than normal and funnily enough let himself into her house to check!! (Thank flapjacks he did)

@PontifiKaty is there? I'll have a look. I really can't imagine who would have put it up. I wonder if it is someone from my family!! Anyone involved in this will know exactly who I am

OP posts:
PontifiKaty · 27/01/2023 22:21

Ahh @fortheloveofhovers sorry I misunderstood your title. I thought it was you ‘setting the record straight’ on an earlier thread where you were painted as a CF. But I realise now you’re just getting it all off your chest on a clean slate. Hugs!