Aibu or was my dad a bit out of line?

[lastthingonmyblind]

I do everything for my dad,shopping etc
Ring him twice a day -like to think I'm a good daughter.
Just been to town for him-gave me a list as long as your arm.
Now I'm always rushing around and as I was in my dads misplaced my phone.
I had just put his washing in washer so had a panic that I had put it in the washer.
I start looking in the kitchen ( as that was last place I had been )
Shout in to my dad and ask could he have a quick look around living room (where he was) and see if he could find it.
As sometimes two pairs of eyes are better than one.
He said "is it on loud?" I sad no as I had been to GP.
He said "no I'm not helping as if you haven't got the brains to have it on loud then your own fault"
So he sat in his chair watching tv.
After 10 mins searching I still can't find it and ask my dad again because I'm panicking now as I'm due to pick up my grandma and if I don't answer her call she worry's and I didn't know where to pick her up from.
I tell my dad I'm panicking and he still says "nope I won't be able to find it if you can't"
"Next time I go out I won't take my phone so you can't ring me -if you haven't got the brains to have your mobile on loud"

Anyway I find it after half hour-it had slipped down the sofa

Aibu to think he was being a bit out of order?

Why are you doing all that for him, is he physically disabled? Does he have cognitive issues? If not he's well out of order.

Yeah, he was being a twat. Chastising you for not having it on wasn’t kind or helpful. You are absolutely right that sometimes a second pit of eyes helps, particularly if you are rushing/panicking. I’d be tempted to be petty and next time he asks for something, I’d say if he hasn’t got the “brains” to do it for himself then you can’t help.

That said, I probably wouldn’t 😂 what would he say if you told him that his behaviour had hurt your feelings? Is this a typical way for him to treat you?

Sounds like you're more concerned about being a good daughter than he is a good father.

Nope he is physically fit
He is 79 but otherwise healthy
No conditions etc
I just like helping with it being winter and freezing and snow and ice etc
Don't want to risk him slipping or catching cold etc

Well, I hope you're truly doing it for yourself and not his approval because he clearly doesn't appreciate you enough!

He was more than a bit out of line. You sound lovely looking after your dad and Nan. Sounds like dad takes you for granted.

He sounds like an ungrateful, uncaring wretch to me... You sound run off your feet if you're looking after your grandmother as well. 🌹

As others have said, YANBU, he was out of line.

So what’s the back story here as to why you are doing so much for him? Because that, and his mental capacity, would inform my decision as to what I did next.

Being a good daughter is one thing. Being belittled and abused while doing it is quite another. If he has cognitive issues, I would cut him some slack. But if he’s compos mentís but physically disabled /frail, I would make myself less available and tell him why.

If you’re going to help him for (presumably) free, he can jolly well treat you with respect. And if he’s not willing to do that, he might like to find out what a paid carer would cost, and what behaviour they will tolerate.

Stop being a martyr and a doormat. He's treating you like a slave and you're enabling him. I'm guessing he treated your mum the same? And any brothers you might have are golden children?

Out of line - No - he was rude and insulting. He has no right to talk to you like that. Your update of him being physically fit makes this even sadder. Why do you let him treat you like this? You may try to be a good daughter but perhaps start with him being a respectful and appreciative Father

Let him do his own shopping from now on

Stop doing it OP, that's so ungrateful of him.

I used to go into town every Friday to get my parents their takeaways because getting it themselves was too much trouble. They would ALWAYS ask for completely different meals, meaning I had to juggle orders from different restaurants, on a busy Friday night rush time 6-7 PM.

One night one had asked for Chinese, the other pizza. The pizza place was packed and I waited around 3 minutes with a Chinese sweating in my car.

When I got home they gave me shit for making them wait so long

Never did it again. Abuse the privilege, lose the privilege.

30 minutes not 3 minutes lol

What a shame if you lost your phone and he couldn’t contact you with his long shopping lists and other requests.

Keep phone on silent a few more days.

Dds why can't people just square up to people 'Dad. Ffs I do everything for you and you are seriously going to sit there being a cunt about my phone not being on loud? Suit yourself. I'll see you next when I feel like it'

I would tell him calmly and directly that as you had just spent xx time this week doing xyz jobs it was ungrateful and obnoxious not to help you look for your phone for 5 minutes.

He is an arsehole. And doesn’t treat you very nicely at all.
Is you mum still on the scene? Did she skivvy around after him so he’s used to it?

Running around doing everything for a healthy able-bodied adult while he refuses to give you even a small amount of help is called martyrdom.

I wouldn't be visiting for a little while now.

No my mum passed away when I was 14 and i am a only child

Why does icy weather stop him putting his own bloody washing in the machine?

Nope sod that OP, am in a similar position in terms of what I do for my dad and again he is physically able and similar age, he's just nervous about going out, more so since covid.

He's very grateful and certainly doesn't act like an arse.

No reason for you to be doing inside chores either when he is still able, especially when he's like that.

Please don't tell me you're doing other household chores for the able-bodied man too?

My dad is in his mid/late 70s, and is also (thankfully) fit and well. He has never asked me to do his washing or other housework. You don't have to do these things in order to be a good daughter!

This

Definitely stop being a martyr. Its not a good look

Also, as people get older, the less they do, the more they lose the ability to do things. Active older people are usually in much better health. Use it or lose it!

Running around after him probably isn't even helping him in the long run.