Aibu or was my dad a bit out of line?

[lastthingonmyblind]

I do everything for my dad,shopping etc
Ring him twice a day -like to think I'm a good daughter.
Just been to town for him-gave me a list as long as your arm.
Now I'm always rushing around and as I was in my dads misplaced my phone.
I had just put his washing in washer so had a panic that I had put it in the washer.
I start looking in the kitchen ( as that was last place I had been )
Shout in to my dad and ask could he have a quick look around living room (where he was) and see if he could find it.
As sometimes two pairs of eyes are better than one.
He said "is it on loud?" I sad no as I had been to GP.
He said "no I'm not helping as if you haven't got the brains to have it on loud then your own fault"
So he sat in his chair watching tv.
After 10 mins searching I still can't find it and ask my dad again because I'm panicking now as I'm due to pick up my grandma and if I don't answer her call she worry's and I didn't know where to pick her up from.
I tell my dad I'm panicking and he still says "nope I won't be able to find it if you can't"
"Next time I go out I won't take my phone so you can't ring me -if you haven't got the brains to have your mobile on loud"

Anyway I find it after half hour-it had slipped down the sofa

Aibu to think he was being a bit out of order?

My dad is 90 and I do less than that for him. He does all his cooking cleaning washing. I live 2.5 hours away. Neighbours do a bit of food shopping for him. I phone twice a week.

Did you spend your teenage years doing all the household chores? It seems likely to me that this dynamic began when you were very young, in which case it'll be deeply embedded.

This explains a lot. He's conditioned you to think you have to run around after him. You don't. If yyou see him once a week and phone him once a day, that's more than enough. He can do his own housework nd pay for a cleaner a couple of hours a week.

Leave him to look after himself, ungrateful sod!

What a rude ungrateful mean old git.

 I'd keep your phone turned off and  be unavailable  for shopping etc. He can perfectly well load his own washing machine, order a taxi to the supermarket  or do online home deliveries.

Rude! I would be telling him he doesnt get to speak to you like that.

OP, that is so lovely of you. However, you could be doing this for another 20 years and he's going to get less and less grateful.

I spoke to a doctor I know about the treatment my DGM got whilst in hospital and how it was a bit "you're old and broken, all we'll do is give you pain relief". They were saying, sedentary, dependent people tend not to bounce back as well as independent, sociable elderly people and do unfortunately get treated differently in viewing long term solutions. Very evident between my DGM at 70 and other family members who have got to their mid 90s before requiring any help at all.

My advice is to dial it back a bit and give yourself some time.

Sorry, if it's not clear, YANBU. My reference re treatment for illnesses is to say you aren't necessarily helping as you think you are. Company is good but not doing everything for him.

Yoppi is right - older people who are active and look after themselves around the house have better long term prospects than those who don't. Becoming sedentary and dependent on help accelerates the ageing process.

It really is a question of use it or lose it when it comes to maintaining physical function and ability.

Have you ever considered he finds your help a bit too much?
Let him fend for himself a bit, he’ll cope.

He needs to pay for carers.
I'd think far less of him he letting you do all this running after him indefinitely. Far less.
What were his plans for coping as he aged?

He's 79 not 99. Leave him to it if he's that rude to you.