Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with my friend?

37 replies

chickensinthebed · 27/01/2023 15:43

I have a very good friend. We have been friends since we were in University and have been very close since. But recently I feel like banging my head against a wall every time I speak to her.

She has been in a relationship with a guy, since she was in college, that is just not good for her. She calls me and cries to me saying that she is going to leave him, his this and that and then she updates me again and says they have sorted everything out and that she can't just leave him like that. I have been patient with her but have been telling her a few home truths as I'm just exhausted over the whole situation.

To begin, ever since they have been married and three kids later, her husband has become more useless over the years. He spends £500.00 a month on drugs, he belittles my friend, buy useless amount of texts, is aggressive towards her, shouts at her, out the blame on her for his faults, stops her from attending her 'own' family functions, leaves her to pay for the house rent and she pays most bills (she does not work-he works full time). He also leaves drugs around the house and on some occasions she tells me that her second born will see it lying around and will attempt to put it in his mouth.

She has always dreamed of doing a particular job and working herself up. But anytime she does this, her husband tries to sabotage her. He was like this before they got married, she decided to marry him. He was like this after their first child (he did not change), second child was born (no change), and recently she just had a baby (her 3rd and no guess- he has not changed). She came to me crying because they had an argument and she told him to leave (she just had her baby 5 weeks ago) the husband left her in the house with three kids and did not bother to see how she or his kids were for the past 4 days.

She obviously had enough and called him to come back home. But I'm just a bit- sigh- I don't know if I'm being too much but I told her "... X this has been going on for many years and there's now three kids involved. As much as you want this family work- it's not working and you have to decide what's best for your kids. You are going to look back in 20 years and you are going to think to yourself why did I waste my life?'. Am I being too much?! I just sincerely do not know what to do. It's just the same script over and over again for the past 17 years. I am tired.

OP posts:
PleaseCleanTheWholeToilet · 27/01/2023 15:47

This is not about you being tired !!!

A child put his drugs in their mouth???
The child’s life is in danger and if i was you, I would ring social services / The police and that would then ‘force’ her to put the children first!!!

JustDanceAddict · 27/01/2023 15:52

He sounds like a right piece of work, not much you can say as she is obviously blinded by him. The fact he spends £500 on drugs and leaves paraphernalia about should really be sorted though and so if the kids are putting things in their mouths.
Maybe ask her what she’d say/do if it was you/your dh - she might be able to see it from the other side then.

BeanyBops · 27/01/2023 15:52

Yeah I'm sorry but you have to act to protect that child. You can report anonymously if that will help. This is serious.

Thedogscollar · 27/01/2023 15:57

If a child is putting drugs in their mouth worst case scenario is they could die. She has divulged this serious information to you, it is now your duty as a responsible adult to expose the danger these children are in to social services.
Friendship aside this is what I'd be doing right now. Your friend us an adult it us up to her whether she continues to put up with his shitty behaviour. The children have no one to fight their corner only you can change that now. Be that person.

Hankunamatata · 27/01/2023 16:02

I'd report the family to social services

FlickFlackTrap · 27/01/2023 16:05

Hankunamatata · 27/01/2023 16:02

I'd report the family to social services

This.

You need to step in now to protect those children. It’s an immediate safeguarding risk. Get on the phone.

ShakespearesBlister · 27/01/2023 16:07

Sadly it doesn't sound like she wants to leave. She knew what he was like before marriage but still married him. She knew what he was like before children but still had kids with him not one, not twice, but three times. As hard as it is she needs to reach a point where she sees herself what everyone else already can see, and it just doesn't sound like she's there yet if she can't do it for herself or her children. You are probably right, she will waste her life on him. She already has. All you can do is be there for the fallout but it will get exhausting and there is a risk you will tire of the endless drama but little willingness to kick him out and keep him out. Unfortunately this is her life for now. You can't change it for her, only she can. It has become normalised because she wasn't able to walk away at the crucial points she could have done. Don't be surprised if he starts isolating her from you now that she's told you everything. It's all very sad but she is the only one with the power to change it.

lobsterkiller · 27/01/2023 16:08

Fuck the friendship, protect the children. Don't be an enabler to this.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 27/01/2023 16:09

Sorry but the child put drugs in its mouth? And you haven't called social services? Why?

Original poster
chickensinthebed · 27/01/2023 16:26

The issue is that she doesn't tell me what drugs it is. All I know is that he spends a huge amounts of money and he becomes erratic when his not on it. She said it's like a vape liquid but I don't know what she means by that.

OP posts:
KillingLoneliness · 27/01/2023 16:27

Sadly she is failing her children by refusing to leave him, she needs to put them first and YANBU to tell her to wise up but it sounds like SS need to be involved, those poor children.

TakeNoTwitsGiveNoDucks · 27/01/2023 16:29

Sorry, but I agree with others that this sounds like a safeguarding issue. I think you may need to report it

Thedogscollar · 27/01/2023 16:41

Please report OP. I'm sorry to say if anything happens to those children you are as complicit as she is. Do the right thing and do it now.

FlickFlackTrap · 27/01/2023 17:41

chickensinthebed · 27/01/2023 16:26

The issue is that she doesn't tell me what drugs it is. All I know is that he spends a huge amounts of money and he becomes erratic when his not on it. She said it's like a vape liquid but I don't know what she means by that.

That’s not an issue. Let the professionals assess the children’s environment. Make the referral.

SchoolTripDrama · 27/01/2023 17:44

I'm quite honestly disgusted in you, OP......

She told you herself that her child almost ingested DRUGS and yet you make no mention of having done what any other of the 8 billion people on earth would do, and immediately call social services and the police. You should be utterly ashamed of yourself

RealBecca · 27/01/2023 17:46

I got exhausted with her when I was half way through your message, I think you're a saint to still he there for her. No advice, just admiration that you are still there and still invested in this exhausting and unhealthy cycle she is in. X

Thedogscollar · 27/01/2023 17:59

@chickensinthebed Hi have you reported this yet? Things like this make my blood boil hence my question.I make no apologies for my post as a child's life could be in danger here. Get it dealt with.

Mariposista · 27/01/2023 18:11

Those poor kiddies need to be taken as far away from these toxic adults as possible. Do the right thing.

fairysimples · 27/01/2023 18:22

You need to report. Let the professionals investigate. Good luck.

Emmamoo89 · 27/01/2023 18:23

You need to report x

Original poster
chickensinthebed · 27/01/2023 19:24

Luckily, it only happened the once and it was a very long time ago- just wanted to illustrate the point of how things have been going between her and her husband and the general chaos.

OP posts:
Thedogscollar · 27/01/2023 19:30

Luckily???? Are you being serious. OK you obviously think that's fine no harm done then.
As for your friend I'd be seriously judging her as any sort of decent parent and that for me would be the end of that friendship.

mumpower3 · 27/01/2023 19:42

🙄 another "human" having endless amount of babies by a useless fucking twunt.
Some people really don't deserve kids!!

A child put drugs in their mouth?! And you as a friend did? "Sigh" i assume.

A "decent" friend would call social to protect the poor kids and take them away from their incapable "parents!!!" 😠
Poor kids!! How sad.

MillenialAvocado · 27/01/2023 19:46

I would still tell social services even if it was a long time ago. He's still spending £500 a month on drugs and leaving it lying around the house, that in itself is a massive concern - there's no reason it shouldn't happen again if he's still doing that.

Ludo19 · 27/01/2023 20:14

If ots like vape liquid then it isn't going to be cannabis OP. I'll bet my teeth your friend knows exactly what he's on.

Please report to SS.