To be fed up with my friend?

[chickensinthebed]

I have a very good friend. We have been friends since we were in University and have been very close since. But recently I feel like banging my head against a wall every time I speak to her.

She has been in a relationship with a guy, since she was in college, that is just not good for her. She calls me and cries to me saying that she is going to leave him, his this and that and then she updates me again and says they have sorted everything out and that she can't just leave him like that. I have been patient with her but have been telling her a few home truths as I'm just exhausted over the whole situation.

To begin, ever since they have been married and three kids later, her husband has become more useless over the years. He spends £500.00 a month on drugs, he belittles my friend, buy useless amount of texts, is aggressive towards her, shouts at her, out the blame on her for his faults, stops her from attending her 'own' family functions, leaves her to pay for the house rent and she pays most bills (she does not work-he works full time). He also leaves drugs around the house and on some occasions she tells me that her second born will see it lying around and will attempt to put it in his mouth.

She has always dreamed of doing a particular job and working herself up. But anytime she does this, her husband tries to sabotage her. He was like this before they got married, she decided to marry him. He was like this after their first child (he did not change), second child was born (no change), and recently she just had a baby (her 3rd and no guess- he has not changed). She came to me crying because they had an argument and she told him to leave (she just had her baby 5 weeks ago) the husband left her in the house with three kids and did not bother to see how she or his kids were for the past 4 days.

She obviously had enough and called him to come back home. But I'm just a bit- sigh- I don't know if I'm being too much but I told her "... X this has been going on for many years and there's now three kids involved. As much as you want this family work- it's not working and you have to decide what's best for your kids. You are going to look back in 20 years and you are going to think to yourself why did I waste my life?'. Am I being too much?! I just sincerely do not know what to do. It's just the same script over and over again for the past 17 years. I am tired.

It sounds like she's in a very abusive relationship and needs help to get out.

I'm worried social services would take the children away from her - rather than taking him out of the picture if you see what I mean.

Is her family involved in supporting her do you know?

I suggest you ask her to speak to women's aid for support.

She needs a lot of support- particularly if she has a baby 5 weeks old.

I think you talking openly and honestly to her about needing to leave him will be helpful. But please bear in mind it's extremely difficult to leave an abusive relationship, so don't become frustrated with her when she doesn't do what you say straight away.

I do think some posters don’t live in the real world - it is fantasy that getting social services involved would fix the situation - do you really think there is an abundance of foster families? Also, the perception that she just has to make the choice of leaving him - it’s not that simple. She’s most likely got a damaged past which makes her vulnerable to accepting this kind of scenario - but I guess it’s easier just to blame her than actually address the systemic issues in society isn’t it. And to the OP, it’s hardly a hardship for you on a day to day basis is it ? Another friend ditching her will just make her feel worse about herself and less likely to be able to get herself out of the situation.

@WhatIsNextNow I would never ditch her as a friend. But at the same time, I don't think she is helping herself. There are ways that she can emotionally disconnect during the process of leaving but I don't think she's at that stage yet.

I'm not going to call social services.

Then you are complicit in the neglect of their children.

Once is all it takes.
Is there anyone who cares about these kids?

This.
She can tolerate a drug using arsehole all she wants but putting her children at risk is 100% unacceptable. In your place I’d call SS.

I don't work with children but I work with vulnerable adults. Adult social services would 100% investigate this if it was reported to them, so I'd be incredibly surprised if children's social services wouldn't. You may not feel SS would safeguard effectively but that does not mitigate anyone's responsibility to report concerns.

That's incredibly disappointing.

Absolute rubbish. I work alongside children's social services in my work as a midwife and I can say 100% they would investigate this as it is a massive safeguarding issue.
However the OP has decided to do nothing to safeguard these children despite knowing the danger they are being exposed to.
I cannot understand her reasoning for this probably as there is none.

So you aren't going to report to social services to protect the children but you want help because your ‘tired’ of it

Get a grip!!!!!

Poor kids. I’m tired of people like you.