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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You can't claim for this?

126 replies

Hop27 · 27/01/2023 00:20

That you can't make a claim for spousal support and half of someone's pension if you were never married, and split up over 10 years ago?
CM paid in full, above legal obligation, plus additional expenses, private school, holidays, clothes, holiday & birthdays etc.

OP posts:
Eastereggsboxedupready · 27/01/2023 11:56

Let her crack on op.

Then have a laugh!

GrasstrackGirl · 27/01/2023 11:58

She'll give her solicitor a laugh at least.

minou123 · 27/01/2023 11:59

Hop27 · 27/01/2023 11:54

DH's ex was throwing at tantrum, kicking off because her CM is coming to an end in the next couple of years and she isn't in a good financial position. DH are planning to divert the CM direct to DSS once he's 18 until he is 21, in the hope he'll leave uni with minimal debt. (If we can still
afford to do so)
This wasn't popular with his ex so she is threatening 'legal' action for withholding Spousal Support 😵‍💫

Thank you 😊 my curiosity has been sated.

So, no she definitely won't get anywhere with that.
The only thing I can think of is, she could, waste money at a solicitor and ask then to write you a letter for spousal support.
But if this does happen the steps to take are easy:

  1. Open letter
  2. Laugh at letter
  3. Put it in the bin.

Nothing will happen afterwards.

Jimboscott0115 · 27/01/2023 12:00

Hop27 · 27/01/2023 11:54

DH's ex was throwing at tantrum, kicking off because her CM is coming to an end in the next couple of years and she isn't in a good financial position. DH are planning to divert the CM direct to DSS once he's 18 until he is 21, in the hope he'll leave uni with minimal debt. (If we can still
afford to do so)
This wasn't popular with his ex so she is threatening 'legal' action for withholding Spousal Support 😵‍💫

Wouldn't worry about it at all to be fair, you can't withold spousal support that was never mandated to be given in the first instance.

The fact that they weren't married is the big thing here, his responsibility is to the child and so long as he can prove he's provided what is required and even over/above this then he doesn't owe her a thing. Think about the slippery slope of her suggestion - Does she think that every ex is owed something from a former partner? That'd be crazy!

DeliberatelyObtuse · 27/01/2023 12:12

LaLuz7 · 27/01/2023 11:37

Why morally? If you want the legal and financial protection of marriage, you get married. You don't have kids with someone who won't marry you and then act surprised.

Women need to smarten up

Show quote history

Absolutely agree with this. Get married to protect yourself. Don't have kids with someone who won't marry you.

Silvers11 · 27/01/2023 12:12

I am not an expert on this - but has DH being paying his ex- partner under a private maintenance agreement or paying the statutory under a Child maintenance Service Maintenance Assessment?

If it was a private maintenance agreement and a legal document, what did that say? Did it cover until the child finished University? Or just until the child finished Full time non-advanced education ( i.e. A level or equivalent)

This might help:

www.wake-smith.co.uk/advice-centre/family-divorce-law/children-advice/How-does-children-going-to-university-affects-maintenance-and-ongoing-financial-support

MelchiorsMistress · 27/01/2023 12:15

She sounds like a proper crazy ex. She won’t do anything but if she does try she’s likely to be laughed at, rightly so.

MelchiorsMistress · 27/01/2023 12:16

DeliberatelyObtuse · 27/01/2023 12:12

Absolutely agree with this. Get married to protect yourself. Don't have kids with someone who won't marry you.

Show quote history

Or, don’t give up your own job when you have children and aim to be able to support yourself without relying on anyone else.

DeliberatelyObtuse · 27/01/2023 12:19

MelchiorsMistress · 27/01/2023 12:16

Or, don’t give up your own job when you have children and aim to be able to support yourself without relying on anyone else.

Show quote history

Yep

WilsonMilson · 27/01/2023 12:21

She has no legal leg to stand on. She all be entitled to CM until her child leaves school, which may be after 18 years old. In which case she is entitled up to the September of the year the child leaves school, if child leaves at end of summer term.
She has zero entitlement to spousal support or any pension entitlement as they were never married. Hilarious she’s trying this on, I’d just ignore or frankly laugh.

Silvers11 · 27/01/2023 12:22

I posted my earlier reply before I meant to 🙄That replied to the bit about child maintenance payments . I also intended to add the following:

However, assuming that there is no legal agreement about any support for the ex-partner, then no the ex-partner will not be able to claim spousal support or half DH pension as she wasn't married to him and she won't get anywhere.

But if there was a private legal agreement then it depends on what that says

lalaloopyhead · 27/01/2023 12:22

Yes, this is bonkers. Really your DH's Ex should have seen this coming and has had the last 10 years to build up a life/income that she is able to support herself on. Once DSS has left home, there is zero obligation for your DH to provide for his Mother in any way- if he chooses to stay at home once he is an adult then he will need to work and contribute to the household, if neccesary.
The bit at Uni is more of a grey area, as technically she will still need to provide a home/base for DSS - but really I don't know why people in this situation don't have more self respect.

WigglyGlowWorm · 27/01/2023 12:30

Hop27 · 27/01/2023 11:34

On what grounds would it be awarded?

It won’t be

Blossomtoes · 27/01/2023 12:33

MelchiorsMistress · 27/01/2023 12:16

Or, don’t give up your own job when you have children and aim to be able to support yourself without relying on anyone else.

Show quote history

Better still both.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/01/2023 12:33

DH's ex was throwing at tantrum, kicking off because her CM is coming to an end in the next couple of years and she isn't in a good financial position

Then unless she's genuinely unable to work, she should have sorted her own finances out before now shouldn't she?
It's not as if CM coming to an end is any surprise, and after all your DH is doing the decent thing in transferring the money to his DS, when some would have stopped paying it completely

Testina · 27/01/2023 12:34

Hop27 · 27/01/2023 11:54

DH's ex was throwing at tantrum, kicking off because her CM is coming to an end in the next couple of years and she isn't in a good financial position. DH are planning to divert the CM direct to DSS once he's 18 until he is 21, in the hope he'll leave uni with minimal debt. (If we can still
afford to do so)
This wasn't popular with his ex so she is threatening 'legal' action for withholding Spousal Support 😵‍💫

Well that’s not the same as your OP, is it?

The OP suggests that someone is trying to make a claim for Spousal Maintenance and a Pension Sharing Order.

Whereas this post just sounds more like she’s objected to the current CMS being (in a few years?) stopped, and just referring to that as spousal support.

She sounds a bit dim, but your husband does too if he needs you to take to the internet to ask this 🤷🏻‍♀️ Given that it’s his previous relationship involving a child, you’d think he would have made it his business to know what his legal responsibilities were.

NameChangePoP · 27/01/2023 12:41

Testina · 27/01/2023 12:34

Well that’s not the same as your OP, is it?

The OP suggests that someone is trying to make a claim for Spousal Maintenance and a Pension Sharing Order.

Whereas this post just sounds more like she’s objected to the current CMS being (in a few years?) stopped, and just referring to that as spousal support.

She sounds a bit dim, but your husband does too if he needs you to take to the internet to ask this 🤷🏻‍♀️ Given that it’s his previous relationship involving a child, you’d think he would have made it his business to know what his legal responsibilities were.

Show quote history

Wow - who pissed in your cornflakes this morning?! Absolutely no need for that response at all.

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/01/2023 12:43

Well no, because she wasn’t a spouse.

QOD · 27/01/2023 12:53

had this with my sisters husband, didnt seem fair to be honest.
She was still providing a home and bedroom and bills clothes etc etc but the child got the money direct. meant she threw the kid out and he has had to support himself since age 18 (sisters husbands ex wife that is)
i am torn

Roselilly36 · 27/01/2023 12:53

DeliberatelyObtuse · 27/01/2023 12:12

Absolutely agree with this. Get married to protect yourself. Don't have kids with someone who won't marry you.

Show quote history

100%

ArcticSkewer · 27/01/2023 12:56

QOD · 27/01/2023 12:53

had this with my sisters husband, didnt seem fair to be honest.
She was still providing a home and bedroom and bills clothes etc etc but the child got the money direct. meant she threw the kid out and he has had to support himself since age 18 (sisters husbands ex wife that is)
i am torn

Bit harsh but the child could have moved in with the other parent I guess.

I have this with 3 kids. When they are back from uni they cost ££££££ on a daily basis, then pop to dad's for a meal once a week 🙄

I definitely spend a lot more on them. I guess I could ask them for the money but I know their budgets are so tight.

thestealthwee · 27/01/2023 12:56

Clue is in the title "SPOUSE-al" support

I'm a higher earner though and no way would I be happy paying my ex husband spousal just because I worked hard....and enabled him to not have to

DrMarciaFieldstone · 27/01/2023 12:58

Hop27 · 27/01/2023 11:54

DH's ex was throwing at tantrum, kicking off because her CM is coming to an end in the next couple of years and she isn't in a good financial position. DH are planning to divert the CM direct to DSS once he's 18 until he is 21, in the hope he'll leave uni with minimal debt. (If we can still
afford to do so)
This wasn't popular with his ex so she is threatening 'legal' action for withholding Spousal Support 😵‍💫

Sounds like DH’s ex. There’s nothing she can do, so don’t worry.

Dixiechickonhols · 27/01/2023 13:00

Your dh’s plan sounds fine as he’s supporting child at uni and presumably offering a home in hols.
Your step dc may actually be better off they will assess maintenance loan on mums income so if she isn’t on a high wage may get full loan but also getting money from your dh.
She was fully aware cm would stop when dc left school.

Dixiechickonhols · 27/01/2023 13:05

Blossomtoes · 27/01/2023 12:33

Better still both.

Show quote history

Definitely.
The don’t give up work assumes you don’t suffer a birth injury/impaired health as a result of pregnancy and that child isn’t disabled.
If you are hit by one or both (as in my case) all plans to work as normal after are disrupted. Women usually end up as carer if child is disabled and cannot access childcare.