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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feel very let down by close friend

45 replies

summerin69 · 26/01/2023 23:36

Am I being unreasonably sensitive?

I have a friend who I've got close to over the past 5 years and I thought we were close and that he cared. Over Christmas and New Year he knew I was on my own. He also was aware that I had some quite traumatic family issues going on that I had to sort out and take the brunt of the responsibility. Before Xmas we would text each other two or three times a day and I thought we were actually moving into a more romantic phase - I really got that sense from him.

Then, over Christmas - he just stopped. I hardly heard anything from him. He didn't once ask if I was okay or check to see how I was doing. Instead, when he did text it was to tell me about all the fun stuff he was getting up to with his family (grown kids). I was pleased for him but it did make my own loneliness feel much harder.

I know he was busy - but I just know, if the boot had been on the other foot, and I had known he was on his own over Christmas/New Year, I would have checked in on him as a friend, to make sure he was okay. It can be such a lonely time.

I really struggled emotionally tbh but didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to be a downer at what's meant to be a fun time. Over the 5 years he has always seemed to care about how I feel - but suddenly, and I do mean suddenly, it just stopped dead.

Since then, he's rarely texted. He says he is busy with work - and I do believe that, but honestly - how busy do you have to be that you can't just ping a message to a friend checking in on them?

So I have decided to just learn from this and be friendly but not stay as close as in the past. It's been painful but I feel too let down by him.

He finally texted me this evening - and I guess he noticed my tone was different, so at last he asked if everything was okay. I replied - yes, all good.

Am I cutting off my nose to spite my face - I just can't go back to feeling that lonely and uncared for by him?

Move on without explaining?
Explain how I feel and then move on?
But AIBU?

OP posts:

Ellaskitchensimple · 26/01/2023 23:39

Do you think he could possibly have met someone else? Sounds so hurtful xx

Doyoumind · 26/01/2023 23:41

Have you posted about him before? This sounds familiar.

GroggyLegs · 26/01/2023 23:44

Ellaskitchensimple · 26/01/2023 23:39

Do you think he could possibly have met someone else? Sounds so hurtful xx

This was my immediate thought too.

I've had male friends go AWOL when they've met someone. Then suddenly reappear when it ends 🙄

Original poster

summerin69 · 26/01/2023 23:49

No - but maybe this is a male pattern? So not unfamiliar?!

OP posts:

Original poster

summerin69 · 26/01/2023 23:53

@Ellaskitchensimple possibly! But it was pretty intense before Xmas. Regardless of the reason - I felt/feel terrible. And I wouldn't have done that to him.

I'm just wondering if I'm being petty. It's not like any promises were made. But I do know now, I just want to protect myself from getting close to someone who actually doesn't really think about me or whether I'm okay. I feel like that ship has sailed... shame, but just feel let down. Am open to the idea that I'm being too sensitive though!

OP posts:

Stopthebusplease · 27/01/2023 00:02

I don't think you are being too sensitive OP. I think any 'GOOD' friend, knowing your particular situation, would at the very least have text you a few times over the Christmas period, to see that you were OK. However, in saying that, I do think that you should tell him that you were hurt by him appearing to shut you out over Christmas. Then, depending on his response, I would make a decision as to whether or not I still wanted him as a 'friend', or whether, bearing in mind that you've obviously been harbouring romantic notions about him, it will be too difficult to revert back to just friendship, and therefore it might be easier to let the relationship drift.

LightSpeeds · 27/01/2023 00:03

He's not your friend and you can't trust him. Whatever he's up to, it sounds like it's all about what suits him. He's shown you who he is (someone who isn't that bothered about you when you're having a tough time). You'd be best to forget about him.

Original poster

summerin69 · 27/01/2023 00:08

@Stopthebusplease and @LightSpeeds I like both these replies. Honestly you can think you're going mad sometimes when you try to work out why someone has acted in a certain way. But yes, agree - I think I'm just going to 'leave quietly by the side door' so to speak, and then if he does ask for an explanation, I'll tell him - but until then I don't have the energy. I think deep down I've decided he's not really a true friend - so it's better not to invest more energy into that friendship than I need to. It hurts still - but not as much as it did at the start of the year. I'll get over it and him. Thank you for your straight talking!

OP posts:

AnAussieMum · 27/01/2023 00:21

Did you used to talk about your family issues allot? Do you think he just didn't want to hear about it anymore ?

So sorry though, it certainly seems hurtful.

CaffeineMama · 27/01/2023 00:21

OP I'm so sorry you're having a challenging time and have been feeling lonely. Its an awful feeling and it can be very difficult to see your friends having lots of fun while you're not included.

That said- does your friend know that you rely on him to such an extent that if he touches base with you less it makes you feel this way? Without the details of your communications (which I am absolutely not asking you to divulge btw) it's difficult to know if he led you on or if you've been reading too much into it.

Like PP my first thought was also that he had met someone and had become romantically involved with them - but if he wasn't in a relationship with you he's entitled to do this. It does suck when friends meet someone and spend their time and energy on that new person,leaving their friends feeling a bit neglected but this is usually not done deliberately.

I think you should tell him how you felt/feel and clearly explain what you are expecting from the friendship. That way if you're not on the same page, you can move on with some clarity. I think it's counter productive to just reply"yes everything is fine" when it isn't. He shouldn't have to coax you to talk to him, and if you're hoping he will and he doesn't, you'll probably end up more upset.

Be upfront, try to widen your support network and if this friend doesn't want the same out of your relationship then it might be best to reduce contact and focus your energies elsewhere.

harrassedmumto3 · 27/01/2023 00:25

I don't mean this at all unkindly, but could it be that you have possibly been a bit needy and he has decided to take a step back?

girlfriend44 · 27/01/2023 00:30

You need some more people to text instead of relying just on him.

KettrickenSmiled · 27/01/2023 00:32

He never asks how I am, never asks about my family situation. I've felt really hurt and angry and disappointed to be honest, but have finally come to terms with the fact that actually he can't really care that much. Actions speak louder than words.
Aw sweetheart, he was never a close friend.
That was maybe wishful thinking because you hoped he could become a romantic prospect.

So I have decided to just learn from this and be friendly but not stay as close as in the past. It's been painful but I feel too let down by him.
This sounds very sensible.
Also ... bear in mind that sending a text 2 or 3 times a day may feel intimate & regular, but it's a very quick & easy thing to do if youre into it, & doesn't show any genuine commitment.
How often did you actually meet in person?
How much effort did he ever make to meet up with you?

Plenty of men (some women too) have a string of people/potential dates they message, giving them just enough crumbs to keep them interested, so they have a pool of dates to choose from. They'll juggle them into romantic attachments as convenience & opportunity presents, while still maintaining contact with all the others that they can get an ego boost & validation from. As PP suspect, he was likely with one of these over xmas.

He finally texted me this evening - and I guess he noticed my tone was different, so at last he asked if everything was okay. I replied - yes, all good.
Wise choice, no point getting into an back & forth about expectations or disappointment with him - words are cheap.

I just feel if I told him how I felt he wouldn't get it and it would make me feel even worse. I just haven't got the energy - he clearly doesn't think he's done anything wrong. So I'm trying to look forward and accept that this man didn't really care after all.
Possibly not, although he was fond of & interested enough in you to msg you 3 times a day. A more cynical take would be to call it breadcrumbing, but if that's what he was doing, he's never going to admit it.

Am I cutting off my nose to spite my face - I just can't go back to feeling that lonely and uncared for by him?
But how well did you really know him?
He didn't promise you anything, not even romance, & if romance was going to happen, it would have happened in the 5 years you've known him.
You're not spiting your face, because this was never a declared romantic interest. You are losing nothing but some exciting (to you, because you hoped for more) texts. You can live without them , & celebrate the fact that you are no longer live with the uncertainty of wondering if you & this friend were ever going to become an item.

Move on without explaining?
Explain how I feel and then move on?
But AIBU?

YANBU.
Don;t explain anything, & no need to do anything as definitive as "moving on".
Just cut down the volume of texting, leave longer between responses, & wean yourself off the 'fix' you've been getting from seeing his name light up your screen.
Do that for a while, & if it feels unsatisfactory, or causes you any grief, just fade him out. Without compunction: he did it to you - you are at liberty to do the same.

Sorry you were hurt & disappointed.
Focus on friends who actually care to meet up with you & be consistent.

Quiltedandwilted88 · 27/01/2023 00:36

I know this doesn't forgive his behaviour but I think many men are very good at compartmentalizing. So when he was by himself he texted a lot and once back with his family he was focused on them and didn't bother.

And, sorry to say this, but are you sure you haven't misread his signals and misinterpreted his pre-Christmas concern for possible romance when in fact he just knew you were going through a lot and as a good friend, was showing concern. Five years is plenty of time to make a move if he was going to. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Or he has a casual gf back home.

Either way, time to move on without explaining I think and protect yourself. Imho, if men are keen, they make it pretty obvious.

pizzaHeart · 27/01/2023 00:37

I think he wanted to be more then just your friend, he wanted to be a friend with benefits, then he met someone else. He didn’t want to provide you any support because he wasn’t your real friend and didn’t care about you.
Please don’t take it personally, it says nothing about you, only about him - that he is selfish manipulative t**t. That why he was so intense and then dropped you when it suited him.

SeasonFinale · 27/01/2023 00:58

Without wishing to sound too harsh maybe having had such a light hearted time with his family over Christmas perhaps he realised the intensity of things with you and whatever family issues you have was actually all a bit too much for him and he has taken a step back after realising this?

OldFan · 27/01/2023 00:59

What PP's say, sounds like he has a new girlfriend so doesn't have the headspace for you right now. Female friends can do it too- neglect their friends if they have a new squeeze.

coffeebooksdogs · 27/01/2023 01:08

You said you thought the friendship was heading in a romantic direction - maybe he didn’t feel the same way, got ‘spooked’ when he realised you were feeling differently from him and felt he had to back off to not give you the wrong idea?

Just a thought but could be way off the mark of course. Either way it completely sucks and I’m sorry 💐

LadyJ2023 · 27/01/2023 01:35

I appreciate hard times we've all been there..But also friendship isn't a one way street. Are you calling texting to see how he is other than off loading etc...Tbh it sounds like you had a great friend for a very long time. Dont lose that chat, be honest and see what happens

Guavafish1 · 27/01/2023 01:37

Sounds like poor communication.

You seem to hold back and expect him to read your mind about your loneliness and emotional stresses. Which is impossible to do! You need to let him know how you feel.

There are a lot of assumptions. Just be open and honest. If he doesn't feel the same way, I'm sure he would let you know and then you'll know where you stand.

Do you want to be romantic linked to this person? I'm confused ... have a honest chat and don't be frightened of rejection.

Try to be more honest ... don't hide your feelings.

Dita73 · 27/01/2023 01:50

I’m kind of on the other side of this at the moment. I have a friend who has been through a bad time in the last few months. I really do feel for her and I do care. I text and ask how she is or call her. Understandably she’s had a lot to moan about but it’s getting worse and worse. She will never see any positivity to anything at all. She can’t see where she’s lucky and she is in many ways yet it’s all doom and gloom. She isn’t depressed but seems to love feeling sorry for herself and the attention she gets with it. Lately I’ve found it draining and I’ve had to back off a bit as it gets me down! My phone will light up everyday with a text and I dread opening it as you just wonder what today’s moaning will be about. It’s relentless.
I’m not saying this is the case with you but maybe your friend has found it difficult to know what to say to you or finds your situation hard to deal with

Patertater · 27/01/2023 07:08

It sounds like you're basing too much of your happiness on how he treats you. You say he's a friend, but it sounds like you want more and see him like a quasi-boyfriend and now expect certain things from him.

I know this is easy to say, but try to focus on him less and look to other things within and external of yourself that bring you joy and happiness.

You cant control other people, but you can control yourself and how you react to things, meaning he has the potential to hurt you a lot whether he knows it or not, whereas you have the potential to always choose (as well as choose how you react to anything in life) something that makes you happy every time.

Jimboscott0115 · 27/01/2023 07:12

Dita73 · 27/01/2023 01:50

Got to admit, from a man's perspective this is where my mind went too. It could quite easily be that he's exhausted and needed to take a step back for himself. If this had been written from the friends perspective, it's easy to see how they'd be given advice to step back for their own good.

One thing I didn't see in the OP was whether they texted this friend asking how he was and about his family/friends etc during this time? I'm not saying they didn't but a friendship is a two way street and can't all be about one person's issues.

PinkFrogss · 27/01/2023 07:16

Just to put another spin on it, I have a friend who used to message daily - usually almost always about a problem or something she was going through. I’ll be honest, it was exhausting and she was treating me like a counsellor.

Is it possible your friend felt the same and felt like they needed to take a step back for their own sake?

Otherwise, if you genuinely feel like this is not the case and they had no reason to withdraw, could they have something going on themselves?

Have you messaged them and they’ve blanked you, or are you waiting for them to message?

thewinterwitch · 27/01/2023 07:53

I do understand you feel sad, and disappointed, and alone. Which sucks.

But... he's not your partner. He's not your boyfriend. And he's not your counsellor.

I think you maybe misread where this was heading, and after five years it would be unusual for it to turn into something romantic, I think.

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