Feel very let down by close friend

[summerin69]

Am I being unreasonably sensitive?

I have a friend who I've got close to over the past 5 years and I thought we were close and that he cared. Over Christmas and New Year he knew I was on my own. He also was aware that I had some quite traumatic family issues going on that I had to sort out and take the brunt of the responsibility. Before Xmas we would text each other two or three times a day and I thought we were actually moving into a more romantic phase - I really got that sense from him.

Then, over Christmas - he just stopped. I hardly heard anything from him. He didn't once ask if I was okay or check to see how I was doing. Instead, when he did text it was to tell me about all the fun stuff he was getting up to with his family (grown kids). I was pleased for him but it did make my own loneliness feel much harder.

I know he was busy - but I just know, if the boot had been on the other foot, and I had known he was on his own over Christmas/New Year, I would have checked in on him as a friend, to make sure he was okay. It can be such a lonely time.

I really struggled emotionally tbh but didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to be a downer at what's meant to be a fun time. Over the 5 years he has always seemed to care about how I feel - but suddenly, and I do mean suddenly, it just stopped dead.

Since then, he's rarely texted. He says he is busy with work - and I do believe that, but honestly - how busy do you have to be that you can't just ping a message to a friend checking in on them?

He never asks how I am, never asks about my family situation. I've felt really hurt and angry and disappointed to be honest, but have finally come to terms with the fact that actually he can't really care that much. Actions speak louder than words.

So I have decided to just learn from this and be friendly but not stay as close as in the past. It's been painful but I feel too let down by him.

He finally texted me this evening - and I guess he noticed my tone was different, so at last he asked if everything was okay. I replied - yes, all good.

I just feel if I told him how I felt he wouldn't get it and it would make me feel even worse. I just haven't got the energy - he clearly doesn't think he's done anything wrong. So I'm trying to look forward and accept that this man didn't really care after all.

Am I cutting off my nose to spite my face - I just can't go back to feeling that lonely and uncared for by him?

Move on without explaining?
Explain how I feel and then move on?
But AIBU?

Thanks for all the replies. I’m quite a stoical person. I don’t offload on people - in fact it’s the other way round. Most of my friends come to me for help. So I’ve never dumped my stuff on him. In the past if he’s asked and I have bern dealing with something tough I’ve bern able to talk to him about it and I’ve felt supported. I know he went through a rough time also for a bit so yes - I have texted him to say I’m here for you. Always here if you need to chat. Etc. Our texts before Xmas were always kind of fun - we both have a good sense of humour. So.. I guess I just feel hurt that I have been there for him .. but the moment it’s got to the point where I wasn’t fun and upbeat - he disappeared. He says he’s busy - but his busy do you need to be to not send a text?

Nobody is to busy to send a text, he didn’t send a text because he didn’t want to. But he is trying to gently let you down. I think he sees this quite differently to you. I wouldn’t talk to him about it, I don’t think he wants a meaningful conversation about your relationship / friendship. I think you need to take a step back and be less dependent upon him.

@Aprilx yes, I agree. I’ve decided to not say anything - just step back as you say, and get on with my life. I think I just needed to vent a little bit! 🙂

I thought that.

To be honest you sound a bit emotionally intense, maybe he’s just a bit drained and needs some light hearted respite before he can face the next round of ‘friend counselling’. Or maybe he’s decided you’re not for him as a friend or romantically.

Just playing devils advocate, maybe he was just busy? I mean my Christmas was massively hectic running around visiting various family etc so maybe it was just that? It’s a chaotic period for most people and now that’s over he appears to be back in touch? Not everyone can keep up with texting 2/3 times a day, and that’s just from one friend…you also won’t be the only one texting!

If there was going to be romance, you would have had a sense of it in the first year or two. Unfortunately he's not as keen on you as you are on him. I'd suspect he was exploring a relationship over Christmas and that's why he went a bit quiet, not intentionally just distracted by messaging someone else. I wouldn't take him to task about not sending enough messages, that would just be rude, true friendship has to be offered not taken by force.

It's so difficult when you've had a rough time and feel unsupported, and I'm sorry for your troubles. I know from the other side that it is hugely draining to be someone's sole support, so I'd urge you to widen your friendship network and rely on different friends at different times. As well as dating apps, there are apps out there for making friends, that could be a nice distraction for a while and you might even make more friends.

I was thinking this, and you mentioned "romance" but maybe he was simply offering platonic friendship, and sensed you were expecting more than was actually on offer?

I think he sounds like a good friend, but only a friend, and friendships do have phases when there is more contact or less contact.

It sounds like if you want his friendship, it is probably still there, if you just accept it is platonic

I think it’s so muddled in your head because you developed romantic feelings. He didn’t and maybe he backed off because he was aware of them.

Do you meet and do things together or talk on the phone/over zoom? It struck me how your friendship seems very text based so easy to misinterpret tone etc.

Now this reads a bit like a situation with me and my good friend, only she didn't have the family issues you were having. But we have been good friends for about 5 years and we always text, usually a few times a day. Christmas came and we were both busy with family things, and right through January we have both been so busy so have probably heard from each other twice. This is no issue whatsoever and we will pick up again like we left off over the next few weeks. The minimum contact over Christmas probably threw us into a different routine for now. But as we are great friends it's irrelevant, we don't need to be texting constantly to remain friends. Maybe this is how he's looked at it too?

Maybe you have seen more into the romance than he did? Or maybe he felt you were getting romantic and that's not how he was feeling so he backed off?

Why not just speak to him and tell him how you feel?

In the kindest possible way OP I think your confusion about whether this is a potentially romantic relationship versus a friendship has clouded your judgement.

You have over invested in this because you felt or hoped it had that potential. It sounds as if he doesn’t feel the same way (and frankly it’s irrelevant really whether he has met someone or not).

A romantic relationship and a close friendship are different things and when one crosses over into another it changes the expectations and perspectives on it.

I have no way of knowing why he has backed off: he may have met someone, he may be emotionally tin-eared or just selfish. But for whatever reason he is not seeing this through the same lens as you.

You need to downgrade your expectations of him. If it hurts to be in touch maybe stop contacting him for a bit. I personally wouldn’t tell him how you feel as it’s clear your feelings aren’t reciprocated and it is likely to prolong the sense of over investment.

You need to grieve for what you thought this was going to be before you can reset it for what it actually is. You may have a decent friendship at the end but you need to get past your current feelings.

Just to play devil's advocate - Do you often message him and show interest in his life, or do you expect him to message you first? If he's usually the one who initiates the conversations, and they are usually focussed on your problems and providing you support, perhaps he has pulled back because HE feels like you don't really care about him other than to use him as a sounding board?

Obviously this isn't the case from your end, but maybe he doesn't know that?

Really not meaning to patronise you OP, but take a compliment from an old bat - given the all upset & rumination you've been going through about this, you are responding wisely. There have been some quite uncomfortable (but necessary) ideas & suggestions from PP, & instead of rejecting them out of hand you are very sensibly considering them, & deciding to adapt your expectations rather than rail against your friend.

Well done you.
Now get out & see some in-person friends. Text-friends, no matter how fun & engaging, are never as satisfying. You need your network of good pals & occasional acquaintances, not to be longing after a man you wished for more from, but settled for a text situationship with. Excuse my grammar, & the lecture

how busy do you need to be to not send a text?

Sometimes, it's not the seconds it would take to type it, it's more about being in the headspace to manage it. Some people find e-comms more draining than others. I get it's disappointing when a pattern of contact changes, & can feel disconcerting when you don't know why.

But if this guy had wanted you to know why, he would have told you.
So hes either chasing a romantic prospect (sorry), or he's going through something he doesn't want to discuss - or, he just had an ordinarily human need to withdraw, & didn't want to hurt your feelings by just announcing that to you.

You seem quite capable of separating your feelings from his actions - so continue doing that, & broaden the attention you give to other friends, interests & hobbies.

@KettrickenSmiled thank you! That means a lot. If you post on here you have to take the rough with the smooth! There’s no point taking things personally because it’s not personal - simply because people here don’t know me. So I’ve tried to look at each response (however tough) and ask “is this true for me?”. If not, then I move on. If there’s some truth in a response then it’s good to be able to take a long hard look in the mirror. I know I need
to get out and have more friends - but I also know these things take time, it can’t be rushed.. so am just trying to look after myself. Thing is - I was doing really well keeping things on an even keel - but he pushed and pushed to get closer to me, asking about my feelings etc, and then when I let my defences down.. pfffff! He’s gone. There’s a saying: don’t blame a bee for stinging you. Blame yourself for allowing the bee to land on you and think you would be the only one it wouldn’t sting! Blame is the wrong word - but you get my drift. I’m hurt that he’s not the friend I thought he was. I honestly feel I wasn’t too needy or clingy or too much of a downer. I just needed a friend. And he wasn’t there for me.

Maybe you had expectations about the the relationship that he didn't have. Maybe he realised and tried withdrawing. It's ok to feel hurt by that.

I guess I just feel hurt that I have been there for him .. but the moment it’s got to the point where I wasn’t fun and upbeat - he disappeared.

Yep, sounds like he's a fair weather friend. I bet he lapped up all the attention when you were fun and upbeat but couldn't bear the focus turning to you when you weren't so withdrew.

If he asks if you have upset, just tell him that the friendship does feel one-sided at times and you don't want to invest in it too much.

Aaaw you are coming over as so reasonable, so able to reflect on your own responsibilities to yourself- you sound like a cracking friend. There's no hint of you looking to unload either ALL your troubles or your romantic hopes at your friend's door then blaming him for not responding as you might have wished - you're all about managing that for yourself.

Not sure how young you are, but many older people have never been able to manage that level of slightly detached self-examination. It's a gift, & that gift will find you excellent friends throughout your life, & make for balanced happy romantic relationships when you are ready to embrace them.

Thing is - I was doing really well keeping things on an even keel - but he pushed and pushed to get closer to me, asking about my feelings etc, and then when I let my defences down.. pfffff! He’s gone.
Hurrah for NOT having a romantic relationship with the chap then.
We'd all have been gunning for him with round condemnations & rude words would have been said: words like red flags, love bomber, breadcrumber, future faker, manipulator ....
But as he's 'only' a platonic, & we don't actually know what's going on with him, we can spare him the harshness, & chalk it up to human frailty. Some friends can be flaky, some a little manipulative ... sometimes this is tolerable, or forgiveable - sometimes it's a sign to withdraw ourselves.

It's ok to be disappointed when it feels like a friend has played a 'push me/pull you' game on us. It's also ok to make your own nuanced decision about circumstances, degree of upset caused, & subsequent continued value of that friendship. It's ok to take your own break from your friend, & to resume at the pace you choose - including dialling down frequency, intensity, & dependence, or even going for a slow fade.

There’s a saying: don’t blame a bee for stinging you. Blame yourself for allowing the bee to land on you and think you would be the only one it wouldn’t sting!
😂 Something tells me you are going to do just fine

Here's another one:
When a snake bites you, do you remonstrate with the snake & spend valuable time asking him to explain why he bit? Or do you apply a tourniquet & get straight to the witch doctor for an antidote?

& a cautionary tale for your future dating life - frankly it should be mandatory viewing for all young women & girls:
www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

Sorry that you are going through a rough time OP. At first, I assumed he had met someone and didn't want to tell you because he was aware of how you felt.

Then it reminded me of my DH. He worked along side a young woman. She was having problems at work and would confide in DH. DH would come home saying Lisa (not real name) spent an hour crying in my office today. Lisa called in sick today as she couldn't face it, I let her talk but bloody hell she goes on.

About 6 months later I met Lisa and her DH at the works do, she said how understanding and supportive my DH had been to her. She said her DH didn't understand the toxic workplace situation the way mine did and without my DH she would never have taken It to a tribunal (which she won).

Lisa saw my DH as confidant and a friend not just a empathetic colleague. DH liked her but would usually eye roll and say 'she never bloody stops'

I think he is your friend but possibly you are reading more into it. Perhaps because you are hoping it will lead to a romance. Other posters are right, no one is too busy to send a text but sometimes when you are enjoying yourself, it's hard to read another long essay about how things are.

It's up to you if you take a step backwards or tell him you felt hurt and let down. Either way it would be good for you to widen your social circle - you Christmas should not be ruined because a friend who was spending time with his family didn't text you.

Good luck OP

I've found single male friends tend to be very friendly when they don't have someone else on the go, or if they are married /partnered up long term - sometimes happily, sometimes not so. Strong possibility he has a new friendship/ relationship on the go OR he senses your neediness - and is backing off as he doesn't want a relationship and senses that you do