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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To 3rd or not to 3rd?

27 replies

Fairylights87 · 26/01/2023 20:52

I know this is a topic discussed in a thousands of threads but please help me!

We have 2DCs (DC1 - 3 years old) & (DC2 - 1 years old). I found the age gap wonderful and although my first is a terrible sleeper, the second one is like a dream!

I am thinking of having a 3rd and as I like 2 year age gaps, it's about time to decide if it's right or not.

I know finances is a big issue and it's individual to everyone's circumstances, so you can't help much of that. I can understand that a 3rd bring challenges in logistics like car, space etc.

However, I want your experiences on how a 3rd affected relationships and time. I appreciate that the first couple of years will be a struggle like with every new baby but after this do things calm down? Does it worth it? I don't want to risk my relationship with DH and start arguing over nothing just because we are both utterly tired and can't handle the chaos.

My first made me a mummy and my second gave us a stronger sense that we are a family. What will the third do? Will it bring drama amongst us? Or will it bring joy and happiness?

DH is positive but has the same concerns as I do.

Any experience will be very welcome!

AIBU - Not to 3rd
AINBU - To 3rd

OP posts:
Sostressed1234 · 21/02/2023 22:58

Came across your post & just wanted to wish you luck with your decision & if you’re any closer to coming to it. I can’t give you any words of advice as well & truly sticking with 2. But was hoping this reply may help others give you some advice x

TheaBrandt · 21/02/2023 23:02

Stuck at two so glad we did. Same sex they get on really well we can do lots as a family. Teens are expensive and emotionally draining even easy ones - wouldn’t have it in me frankly to do that 3 times over. You may have more stamina but I’m done.

TomatoSandwiches · 21/02/2023 23:05

As a parent of three, do not do it, life is much calmer and better with 2.

Sostressed1234 · 21/02/2023 23:29

PS: there seems to be a few threads on Mumsnet about whether to go from 2 to 3 so maybe do a search on this & check out there responses x

Anothermother3 · 22/02/2023 00:01

3 feels like more than one more than 2 and it is because that third child has relationships with the 4 existing family members and alters the dynamic. If you like order and a more contained family experience then maybe not but if you like busy chaos and have the ability to manage all that comes with it then 3 is great (most of the time).

Kentlassie · 22/02/2023 00:12

I have 3. It is chaotic and requires lots of being organised, but dc3 has brought an unexpected joy to our lives.

RebeccaCloud9 · 22/02/2023 00:27

I was undecided for years. We have a bigger age gap between 2nd and 3rd, mainly because I couldn't decide if it was right. Now she's here, she's wonderful, and having a third was the best decision ever!

Checkmateready · 22/02/2023 00:50

Stick to two. 3 is really hard work and my age gaps are similar. Difficult trying to give time to help with 3 lots of homework and reading. Often two gang up on another. It’s noticeably a lot calmer when only two are around (other maybe at friends). More difficult getting family in/out the car, days out are usually for 2 adults, 2 kids so costs extra. If they all want to hold your hand or sit next to you one’s always left out which causes arguments. Hotel rooms often won’t accommodate 2 adults and 3 children so you end up having to book 2 rooms. No one wants to look after 3 so that may take it’s toll on your relationship. Trying to keep track of their school timetables and who has PE on what days, after school clubs, who has what school trip/dress up day/dress down day. Not being able to put each in a sports club that they want because of cost and time.
It really is expensive chaos.

soboredoflooking · 22/02/2023 10:11

I love the idea of a 3rd but not the reality. We have the room and could afford another but I don't think I could cope!

If I could guarantee a healthy, happy, sleepy and chilled kid like my first I'd do it. If I got a non sleeping, rubbish feeder, high maintenance one (still is at 3) I'd totally regret it!

finallypeaked · 22/02/2023 16:17

I have a 3rd but with a much bigger age gap between 2&3. (2.5 years between 1&2, 7year between 2&3)

It's a tough transition going back to the baby stages after being out of it so long but I'm glad we waited - only need to fit 2 car seats in the back as the older one goes between them, older kids are more able to safely interact with baby and they both dote on her, cost of childcare massively reduced only having one in nursery. I love having 3 and wouldn't change it for the world.

bigbazooka · 22/02/2023 16:20

I wanted a life with 3 glorious kids but I changed my mind after having my first 😂

TheaBrandt · 22/02/2023 18:27

I admire the stamina you must really really love parenting to put yourself through it 3 times!

Original poster
Fairylights87 · 22/02/2023 23:34

Thank you all for your responses and help!

We are still trying to figure out the finances , just a projection in time for potential uni fees etc. and see if it’s a realistic scenario above and foremost.

Emotionally I feel that I am not done, and I know deep inside that even if we decide to stick with two for practical reasons, I will always “mourn” this third child of ours that never joined us.

Of course, no matter what happens, I will always feel grateful for the two kids I have.

I also appreciate that chaos will come with a third but I want to think of it as a “happy chaos”. I am not a type of person that is worried if sheets are not ironed or if toys are all over the place, so I am fine with this kind of chaos.

I know that the first years will be challenging, the teen years will be hard but I also imagine of us sitting around a dinning table at the age of 60-70 and having around 3 wonderful kids and grandchildren.

Short term is chaos but long term is joy!

Not sure will one will win but I will keep you posted xx

OP posts:
Murdoch1949 · 23/02/2023 02:07

My 3rd was twin boys. All I could think was 'there's no place for a pram seat for my 18 mth daughter on a twin pram' (1978!). She became an excellent walker.

LadyJ2023 · 23/02/2023 03:16

2 boys and twin girls and want more..love the chaos,happiness,fun. Cant say it stresses us or anything as we are pretty laid back family and hubby is great at doing a big share when he isnt working so our 3 current babies I love to pieces and wouldn't change anything

Meandfour · 23/02/2023 03:42

I had my 3rd in 2019. He is the happiest boy you could ever meet and slotted straight into our family. We go abroad regularly, do theme parks, weekends away etc and we’ve never struggled with accommodation. I cannot imagine life with him and have never regretted my 3rd. I now have my 4th too and we’re done as we can comfortably house 4 (own bedrooms) and I do not regret having 4 at all. I absolutely love my family, it’s the perfect size for us.

EnglishRain · 23/02/2023 03:48

I am the third child. I would never have three. I feel like families of three are for the parents benefit and not the children's. I can see why people would want a big family etc, but I personally don't think three is a good number. Two or four + is better in my experience.

Meandfour · 23/02/2023 04:32

EnglishRain · 23/02/2023 03:48

I am the third child. I would never have three. I feel like families of three are for the parents benefit and not the children's. I can see why people would want a big family etc, but I personally don't think three is a good number. Two or four + is better in my experience.

My husband is the youngest of 3. He had a great childhood and when we struggled to conceive number 4, he was more than happy with the 3 we had.

theculture · 23/02/2023 04:48

As an outsider looking at 3's there often seems to be one child that doesn't get on as well with the other 2, in the cases I have seen this was small age gap and the middle child

Libmama · 23/02/2023 05:49

We accidentally had a third. While I was pregnant we were really worried we wouldn’t fit them all in the car/ have room/would push the older two children away but now she’s here she’s bloody lovely and we all adore her. I’m so so glad we had her. All the practical things just slot into place. Don’t get me wrong it’s chaos in the mornings trying to do the school run but I wouldn’t have it any other way

SquishyGloopyBum · 23/02/2023 06:30

I also imagine of us sitting around a dinning table at the age of 60-70 and having around 3 wonderful kids and grandchildren.

There is no guarantee of this. At all. They may not get on. May not have grandchildren, etc etc.

Think about what kind of world you are bringing a child into.

I'll get slated here for saying this but environmentally it's irresponsible.

Iguanainanigloo · 23/02/2023 06:42

We contemplated a third when ours were similar ages, but Covid struck, and everything felt so uncertain... and I'm so glad we didn't! Now both DDs are at school, I just couldn't imagine having time to fit in another child. There is so much to remember and think about, with fitting your day entirely around the school runs, and spellings, homework, reading, after school activities.... it's a logistical challenge with two, I couldn't imagine having time to fit it all in with another younger child to care for. I mean, people do it obviously, but they must be a damn sight more organised than me, as I physically wouldn't be able to without it negatively impacting the older two, and their needs for my active input with everything school related. I really think it depends how organised you are, and how much involvement you hope to have on your existing children's primary years, as it is alot to juggle even with two! I feel like with two we cope pretty well, three would be constantly spinning plates and trying to keep everything afloat (and failing no doubt!)

Doingmybest12 · 23/02/2023 07:16

3 is a little crowd, I believe the 3rd took intensity away from the child/parental relationship for the other two in a positive way.
It made direct comparisons between the first two so much less stark , they are very different. 3rd fitted in the middle and bridged them a bit. That is how I felt, not saying all of that is what other parents experience or think is ok. I was a bit jealous when my friends with two were well out of baby /primary school stage and I wasn't.

Original poster
Fairylights87 · 23/02/2023 07:58

@Iguanainanigloo very helpful reply thank you!

We are not originally from the Uk and I don’t know how demanding British school is in terms of homework.

I mean, if you want your kid to be like top of the class, prepared for next day etc. how much time you need to spend with each kid individually?

Please assume that I will be able to be at home with them from 3.30pm onwards.

No need for them to stay for after school clubs as my work is pretty flexible.

OP posts:
mdh2020 · 23/02/2023 08:32

We stuck at two because we are both the middle of three. We wouldn’t wish that on any child of ours. Anecdotally, we have asked around and all the ‘middles’ we have met feel the same. DS has three and said ‘two aren’t enough and three is too many’. Whose hand do you hold crossing the road?

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