To be able to work from home when needed

[Vernatts123]

My SIL (21) is nannying for us this year with our DD (1) on her gap year. She’s really good with her but the relationship between me and her is becoming strained.

I work for a charity and hybrid project work with a great deal of autonomy and flexibility from my employer. DP rarely works from home.

When SIL arrived we gave her the bedroom where I’d had my study and I moved the desk to the dining room.

SIL is now kicking off to DP that having me downstairs makes her feel judged and anxious about nannying. There isn’t another room for me to go to and DP is saying why don’t I work from Bed or the office at least 3 days a week. The nature of my work means I need a three screen set up for project management and engineering designs etc. so just working on a laptop is impossible, let alone unprofessional in meetings to be in bed.

due to disability I can’t drive and the office is a hefty commute away by public transport as we are on the outskirts of the city. Additional I’d likely be the only office worker at this time of year so commuting for no real networking benefit.

DP thinks I’m being unreasonable to want to work from home whenever I need to rather than mostly at office or upstairs, I think it’s unreasonable to have to sacrifice my working ability or hours commuting for the sake of SILs anxiety.

AIBU?

YANBU, unless you are actually over-involving yourself with what they're doing rather than you getting on with your work and your sil getting on with hers? Are you paying her nanny wages? Do you treat her as a professional during work hours?

Yanbu

Your DP and SIL neither respect your disability needs nor your actual work career

Ofc you can't work from bed
Nor is that comfortable and will damage your back if your disability is spine related

Your work requires a specific set up of screens etc

It's not for SIL to dictate where you work in the house and banish you to only upstairs!!!

I'd be annoyed at my DP for trying to dictate to me how I work and what equipment or desk set up I need

So...
what will happen when DD is 2? After SIL gap year? Will she go to nursery ? You can make tentative enquiries if they have earlier start availability just as an option

Then SIL has a choice, to find a way to work around it and not "kick off" in your house ; or accept that it's not working as it has been hoped, or move out so you get your home office back and DD can go to nursery or childminder

SIL can always get another nanny job

Is the dining room separated from the rest of downstairs by a proper closing door?

Do you keep properly away from the childcare when you're working?

I think the answers to these two questions are quite important as to whether SIL IBU to feel judged...

Hi all in answer to above questions.

1. We pay wages, as well as free lodgings and she hasn’t had to cook her own dinner since joining us.

2. Always tried to be professional and courteous, the most interruption is usually me asking if she wants a cup of tea. Apparently some of the issue is that I’m in the dining room and she wants to do activities with DD at the dining room table. I’ve said this is fine and even if I’m on meetings I’ll just put headphones in but apparently it “puts her off”.

3. In June DD will go to nursery. There are no places until that point unfortunately.

DP still taking SIL side and has said I need to “change my behaviour” when I got frustrated at not being listened to on this.

Why don't you just get a new nanny?

She’s got a cheek! It’s not like she’s doing you a favour, your husband should be supporting you not her because she’s the one being unreasonable.

Is she kicking off or has she just stated that she finds it hard when you are around. If the latter, I can understand it, I would have been self conscious at that age. I don’t know what the solution is though, can you maybe try to alternate using the space a bit more?

I can understand its a bit inhibiting for her but she just needs to crack on. Also if f this weren't your SIL your husband would agree with you!

I'm mean so I'd probably tell her I'll move my office back into the bedroom and she can have a pop-up bed in the dining room 😁

A slightly more sensible compromise - a (folding?) table that she can use in the sitting room? Then you stay in the dining room, door shut.

Just stick to your guns, "No, working from home works best for me. I'm not changing that."

Can you get a small table, cheap or second hand for them to use in the living area ?

Doesn’t sound like it’s going to work out with SIL and I’d be more than seriously annoyed with my DP if he did what yours is doing.

You need to have a talk with him and either he backs you or you find another childcare arrangement, end of.

there is no middle ground on this one.

I’ll take a bit of a minority view here and say I can see her point.

DH was based in our dining room until last April and it was awful. (Notably, he didn’t think so!)

It’s hard to settle children, you can’t do anything noisy or messy, can’t even watch CBeebies .

I think you need to address the issues straight with both dh and sil together. You have a disability and you will work where you feel comfortable, plus - you need to work to pay her wages. Offer either a folding table for front room or she moves out of her bedroom and has a folding bed downstairs. Then she has options. Why shouldn’t you wfh in your own house?! Your dh is being ridiculous

Has she actually “kicked off” though or is she just commenting on the difficulty of the setup to her brother? Because those two things are not the same.

Most nanny’s find it difficult to work with a parent in the house and many just wont do this setup.

I understand her point of view regarding the dining room table. If you're trying to work then she is going to feel on edge/conscious of disrupting you/feeling it's different than if she had the space to do activities away from you working area.

The suggestion of extra commuting and working from bed are ridiculous though.

It seems like you all didn't plan out the logistics of the arrangements before starting. If you WFH then you need to have an appropriate work space to work from and if someone (SIL or anyone else) is providing at home childcare then they need space to be with the children without feeling they're disrupting you work.

*DH was based in our dining room until last April and it was awful. (Notably, he didn’t think so!)

It’s hard to settle children, you can’t do anything noisy or messy, can’t even watch CBeebies*

The person WFH should take work calls on a headset so household noise doesn't disturb them. It's not reasonable to expect the household to tiptoe around them.

Yes, but WFH isn’t just about making calls, any more than parenting (or nannying) is just about CBeebies.

Some may disagree but I honestly don’t think this setup is fair on anybody. And anyone who is WFH in a similar setup and claims it is can only get their work done because of the cooperation of the other parent/ nanny.

We went out a LOT. Which is fine but I do feel I missed out on some of the enjoyment of my maternity leave to be honest.

DP still taking SIL side and has said I need to “change my behaviour” when I got frustrated at not being listened to on this.

Dp needs to fuck off
Your house, your rules
If sil doesn't want to nanny when you're home, suggest she gets another fucking job

SIL is an immature CF and you DP is quite at fault for supporting her over you.

Some may disagree but I honestly don’t think this setup is fair on anybody. And anyone who is WFH in a similar setup and claims it is can only get their work done because of the cooperation of the other parent/ nanny.
Agree with this.
When DH was WFH and I was on my days off with DC it was hard because they knew daddy was in the office and they wanted to be there. We were still aware of noise levels and I did feel conscious of not wanting to disturb him.

Him working at the dining table would have been really difficult to navigate and would have affected what I could do with the children during his working hours anywhere downstairs.

I think you should be able to wfh if you want to and it works for you, your family and your employer.

It seems to work for you and your employer.

It doesn't seem to fully work for your family.

Did you consider using a nursery or live out nanny (or childminder)?

I think your options now are

• revisiting decision to have SIL as live in nanny
• revisiting whether there is some other location in your house or a local co-work space you could work from (perhaps part time)
• coming up with some other suggestions for how SIL and dd spend their time when you are wfh - playgroups, classes, park visits, meeting at other friends/nanny houses etc.

Have an office pod installed or a warm playhouse - could work?

The sticking point seems to be the live-in bit.

I see her point that having someone WFH downstairs in a family space is hard and annoying when looking after children. This would not be the case if you could make her bedroom your office. You have every right to WFH should you wish.

Personally I think at least one day a week you need to vacate the DR so that they can use it.

This is actually a really tough one. Even pre covid any nanny I interviewed asked if we wfh much. I don’t think anyone enjoys having their boss on their shoulder every working hour. And think of all the women on here who have complained about having their DH at home full time, desperate to get them back to the office.

Is there room for your desk back in the bedroom? She shouldn’t be hanging out in there M-F daytime if she’s FT nannying anyway.

I actually think you need to go to the office tbh.

Looking after dc when someone is WFH downstairs is hard work. Harder when they're not your own.

It's not working for SIL, what can you all do to make it work? Office in the garden? Set up table in your bedroom? Something needs to change.