To be able to work from home when needed

[Vernatts123]

My SIL (21) is nannying for us this year with our DD (1) on her gap year. She’s really good with her but the relationship between me and her is becoming strained.

I work for a charity and hybrid project work with a great deal of autonomy and flexibility from my employer. DP rarely works from home.

When SIL arrived we gave her the bedroom where I’d had my study and I moved the desk to the dining room.

SIL is now kicking off to DP that having me downstairs makes her feel judged and anxious about nannying. There isn’t another room for me to go to and DP is saying why don’t I work from Bed or the office at least 3 days a week. The nature of my work means I need a three screen set up for project management and engineering designs etc. so just working on a laptop is impossible, let alone unprofessional in meetings to be in bed.

due to disability I can’t drive and the office is a hefty commute away by public transport as we are on the outskirts of the city. Additional I’d likely be the only office worker at this time of year so commuting for no real networking benefit.

DP thinks I’m being unreasonable to want to work from home whenever I need to rather than mostly at office or upstairs, I think it’s unreasonable to have to sacrifice my working ability or hours commuting for the sake of SILs anxiety.

AIBU?

You know this is a two way street. OP is getting some convenient and probably cheap childcare out of this, she is not doing SIL a massive favour for SIL’s benefit alone. They need to work together to find a solution that works better for them both, because I am sure people won’t be queuing down the path to take the job as it is.

1. enrol your child in a local nursery
2. get your home office back
3. SIL can find another job
4. SIL can pack her bags and find somewhere else to live.

Your DP should be on YOUR side. If not he can work out alternative living arrangements for his sister, but you WANT YOUR OFFICE BACK!

Is your dining room a separate room with a door? I’m struggling to understand the issue unless you have an open plan house?

If the issue is not having a table then stick a space saving table in the living room.

I can’t see a problem with this if the dining room is a separate room.

The issue(s) are

If the dining room is a through route to somewhere like a kitchen that makes using it difficult

The child knows mummy or daddy is there but doesn’t understand they are working, they keep trying to go to them and you have to keep stopping them which is exhausting.

You can’t make much noise. Tantrums or crying have to be quelled (or the parent comes out asking if all is okay) you can’t put on nursery rhymes, even some toys are limited.

Then when child is calm and happy the door will open and mummy or daddy will go to the toilet or wherever and then back into dining room leaving you with crying child …

<shudder>

it’s incredibly disruptive

She sounds dreadful and how dare she dictate to you. After all you working is subsidising her to some extent

Find new childcare OP

Yanbu

All of this! It's so off putting. You need to put your desk up in your bedroom. Push the bed against the wall if you need to its only til June, you're being ridiculous. Other option is to pay her to take out your DD every day you're working for most of the hours you work.

This!! I can't believe how blind you're being to it OP.

"Dp needs to fuck off
Your house, your rules
If sil doesn't want to nanny when you're home, suggest she gets another fucking job"

Utterly pathetic and unhelpful. This is what people mean when they say Mumsnet is going downhill and full of hate/spite.

DH worked from the dining room at least 50/50 when I was on maternity leave. Awful. No one relaxes. We’d have to time meals round his work stuff - and as everyone is aware babies and toddlers work to their own not anyone else’s schedule.

it just doesn’t work if you’re in each others space. Eg DD went through a stage of loving the ‘poo-poo’ song. And wanting it played loud. Not appropriate if Dh was on a call. Fine to avoid doing one day. But restricting when you can never have music or anything too loud. Any of the ‘songs’ she liked weren’t exactly what DH wanted blaring out if he was trying to work.

We moved so we had space to make an office/ bedroom. DH wasn’t bothered about moving, showing he really didn’t understand how awful it was trying to tiptoe around him working. For me, moving was non-negotiable.

I doubt very much the OP is paying market rates and proper employer nic and annual leave so she's hardly subsidising her sil. In fact it's more likely that the sil is subsidising them by providing cheaper childcare.

I wouldnt like this set up as a nanny. I would feel really put off with the parent constantly right there with anything I'm doing with the child (I used to be a childminder so I am coming from the angle).

Also constantly feeling like I'd have to tip toe around or be quiet or have no space for activities.

If this was a stay at home mum saying her DH was working from home on the dining room table the majority of the posters would be - he needs to go to the office or rent a space. This is family space, how dare he etc. In fact over covid there were many such threads where the working DH didn't think he was interrupting family live and the SAHM was having a terrible time.

You being there is affecting her ability to do her job. I think you need to recognise that and come to a mutual understanding.

Also, her having a conversation with her own brother about things she is find difficult is not "kicking off".

But you can not work from your bed or commute, so you all need to work together to come to a solution.

Many posters are raising WFH issues that haven't been raised by the OP as a problem.

Many also seem to miss that OP is disabled, doesn't drive and her commute to office is bloody hard work. WFH is best for her and she's given up her study to accommodate live-in nanny. This set-up was known to nanny when she took the job.

It's also only for a few more months. I agree that some adjustments could be made (headphones, table, etc; or nanny moves out and OP reclaims her office). But I don't see why OP should have to WOH so nanny feels less self-conscious.

Many posters are raising WFH issues that haven't been raised by the OP as a problem.

Because the OP is only raising her point of view and many posters have been on the other side and are highlighting the issues from the other side.

She's still living there for free though

You may be right about the market rate wage though

i can see her point about needing a table to do activities on with dc, they can't share space with you working there as well..

equally i wouldn't want to commute either..

can u get an office/shed? in the garden
board your loft
or she lives elsewhere so you can use that room again
lots of nannies are live out

or as its for 4 months you use her room during the day
or get a table she can use in another room?

This blew up- thank you everyone for views, including those with experience from the other side this is helpful and in general has been respectful (would also appreciate respect to SIL in cases where she’s being told to f*ck off - not nice)

To answer theme of some of the questions:

1. Nursery - Spaces very limited and competitive where we are so we couldn’t get a space till September this year. Additionally SIL came to us and asked for the set up to held with her CV being a nanny going forward.

2. Market rates - hard to define, but SIL has no expenses (we pay for everything) and I think that plus wages comes to equal benefit to a market rate if she was to live in a house share elsewhere and needed to pay for everything herself.

3. Disruptions / house layout - I use headphones for all meetings, take my lunch in the garden when SIL wants to do lunch with DD and we pay for different activities every day out the house. Dinning room is separate and only a walk through for the garden.

4. Work elsewhere - due to space needed for disability and tech, work in our bedroom at a desk wouldn’t work logistically. SIL refused for me to use desk in her room as it’s her space.

good ideas regarding a table in the lounge and I could go to a cafe at some points in the week but would then not have the tech I need so that would be limited help.

It is a tricky one for both of you. My DP works from home in the dining room, I’m a teacher (so home most of the school holidays) and we have school age kids. I do find it restrictive - we can’t eat lunch at the dining table, can hear him on calls all day (he has a headset but does quite a lot of the talking), and I feel like I can’t relax and chill out while he’s working (no idea why, I’ve earned my holidays, but still feel guilty and like he’s watching what I’m doing). I can imagine it would be hard for a young nanny, with a toddler who’s aware you’re there and has to be kept away from you. I’d tell her you understand it’s hard for her and ask if there’s anything she thinks would help (other than you not being there - that’s obviously not possible). At the end of the day it’s only a few more months and a useful experience for her - she knows she won’t be comfortable taking another nannying job where her employer works from home, so can avoid those in future.