Fixed term exclusion, what now?

[SuddenlyViolent]

DD is 8, Year 4.

Until last year she’s been perfect at school, on the school council in Year 3, happy to go in, happy to come home, took part in extra-curricular and was just a generally happy girl. Had friends and playdates and parties.

Then Year 3 started and the violence started.

It’s just me and her at home, no violence but we did leave her dad due to DV so maybe where she picked it up.

She started kicking, hitting and biting other children for no reason. She was moved away from her friendship group into a new group to see if it helped, but it just continued. Its become a daily occurance and no amount of being sent inside or kept away from the other children is helping. School have done friendship work with her and the class and then the year as a whole, they included movement breaks and more access to the toilets for KS2, but it carried on. It's only outside of class, she's not violent in the classroom.

School with my insistence got some general assessments done which I helped pay for (cognitive, behavioural, and a general literacy assessment I think). But they said she’s average intelligence, and average in literacy. The behaviour assessment said she knew what she was doing was wrong but didn’t know why she was doing it.

I then got her some playtherapy counselling via my works health insurance, the counsellor said she wasn’t unhappy or angry or sad. She said she liked school, she liked her teacher, she misses me when she goes to school (which is apparently very normal). She didn’t disclose any abuse or any issues, no bullying, no problems with her schoolwork. The only recommendation was to increase contact with her dad if he was open to it (he wasn’t) and to give her a bit more control at bedtime, so we actually lengthened the bedtime routine to allow her to have an audiobook or podcast in her room after I’d read to her but otherwise fine.

I will add at no point has she ever been rewarded for her behaviour. At school she gets sent inside to sit with the headteacher which she hates and always cries when she's sent, at home I took away extra-curricular activities and her tablet and made her say sorry to the child via her teacher.

I looked ADHD and ASD in girls but neither fits. She’s generally happy, wears clothes and eats everything apart from a small collection of things (tomatos, mushrooms and spicy food), she copes with changes to her routine as well. She sleeps fine, met all her milestones at about the right time. She’s fine with her schoolwork, works independently and in a group well, she loves some bits more than others but don’t all children?

She’s just got her first ever fixed term exclusion, for 3 days. I have no idea what I’m going to do with her for 3 days, and I know that’s the point, to be an inconvenience to the parent, but I’m stuck.

Headteacher has said she tried her hardest to avoid it as she doesn't like excluding any child but it's got to the point that it's all the time, everyday that something needs to change as it's got dangerous.

She will also hit out at me at home, and when I ask her why after she says “I don’t know, I just did it”.

Any ideas where to go from here?

OP, sympathy here you sound like you are doing your best to sort this out for your DD. I see you say the school with your support did some screening around her cognitive ability and behaviour but was this a formal educational psychologists assessment?
From your first post I would really suggest you have her assessed - possibly privately for a faster assessment - to really see what’s going on with her in the school environment- it’s significant that this is mainly happening at unstructured times with peers and there has been a sudden change when she started year 3. An Ed psych will give the school a proper plan of pastoral support tailored to her needs - and importantly observe her independently from school staff- they will also screen in their own assessment for ASD or social communication disorder which can be more subtle with girls. Good luck

Social communication becomes more challenging at this age, especially for girls. The others may have moved on in terms of conversation, but could your dad be struggling to join in? Speech and language may be able to support.

This is what I was thinking.
Sudden behaviour changes is definitely on the list of things that could raise a cause for concern.
I hope your dd is ok OP

@Anothernameanother She doesn't fit any of the other symptoms for ADHD or ASD, she's fine in the classroom, gets on with it, works fine independently and in groups, there's literally no violence at all in class not even a hint of a bad word from DD, I mean I will look into it but I think we'd struggle to justify pushing for an assessment.

Considering it only happens on the playground , I'm wondering if it's a social issue. Maybe she doesn't know how to get along/play with the other children, so hits out of frustration or just to get them to interact with her.

I would look into support from a specialist dv service and read some info around this issue such as thechildpsychologyservice.co.uk/theory-article/trauma-memory/

one of my dc were fine in the classroom (and on the yard) but are still autistic.

it is possible as at 8 the girls seem to accelerate away from autistic girls socially.

whatever it is though, she needs school to put in proper support on the playground.

good luck with getting to the bottom of it.

I hear what you're saying, and others may be right that it's more about her life experiences. But not all communication needs are ASD/ADHD. At least 50% of children with social, emotional and mental health difficulties are thought to have underlying speech, language and communication needs.

Are you saying she's been absolutely well behaved and no issues with violence towards others.....until recently ?

If that's the case something has happened to her to trigger this anger.

Is she watching violent things at her dad's.
Hearing inappropriate conversations.
Youtube
What other adults are around her.

or totally different perspective that possibly should be ruled out, a partial complex seizure disorder. controlled in the classroom due to auditory or visual focus and not controllable in other settings.
it's easy to focus on the dv effect but i'd see a gp and rule out medical causes pertaining to the brain.

I think she is doing it for the attention it brings

I can't comment on the dv/trauma part as I have no experience, although it sounds like something has triggered recently but I can share our story in case it helps.

My dd is also 8 / yr3 and has had lots of issues in playground and to an extent at breakfast & after school club including sudden anger/distress that she struggles to control and in yr1/2 couldn't explain - literally disassociated her body reacting from herself at all but improving control with age. Minimal issues in classroom linked to noise/talking (she's moderately deaf)
She now has structured lunchtime so that she has a mix of playing with other children fully supervised, chill time with SENCO/AHT colouring/doing puzzles and specified jobs at breakfast & asc. The school have had a very kind, compassionate approach to supporting her & i have pushed all the way through for them to observe and monitor root cause and adapt accordingly.

In our case she does other have other traits of ASD which have become more apparent over time in terms of her rigidity/pedantic rule adherence & taking everything literally which you have ruled out.
I would recommend The Explosive Child to help to reframe thinking of the incidents.

Absolutely this. I am so sick of parents minimising or failing to understand the impact of DV on their children. The children know, they ALWAYS know.

Have there been any changes in your life OP? A bereavement, move, new partner, new job? What do you do when she hits you? You must be so worried. Have you taken her to your GP? Could she be slightly immature?

I'm neither a psychologist nor any other type of expert, but my dgd was caught in the middle of her father's blind rage against her mother when she was two months old.

For two weeks afterwards she always sounded angry when she cried and my friend, who is a psychologist, told me that it was because she had absorbed his anger.

Definitely no child psychologist but if it’s mainly focused around violence would some sort of martial arts class help channel this energy differently and create discipline