..to not be hopeful of a recovery?

[IsItJustMePfft]

Hi everyone.
I won't bore you with all the details but my daughter who is married with one child is alcohol dependant (which she refuses to admit is a problem) and dabbles with cocaine, both addictions being years in the making. Her husband is at his wits end and is deeply unhappy and their relationship is quite toxic.
The last six months in particular, her addictions and subsequent chaotic life has been very stressful for me to deal with.
Now she has announced she is pregnant again! I can believe how irresponsible they have been!
Both are acting as if it's the best news in the world
I have no idea if she is still drinking or using, I guess what I want to know is if she could really give up such a problem that easily for pregnancy?
I'm in no doubt she may start again after baby is born as having the responsibility of one child wasn't enough to stop her so will she really stop with the stress of two?!
So AIBU to think she will be able to give up these serious addictions during her pregnancy?
Any experience of this?
TIA

Should read can't believe

No one?

Did she stop when pregnant the first time? Are social services involved?

Tbh addicts don't make the best decisions by nature of their issuss, so it's not surprising that she is in this situation.

No experience but I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your worries and someone will be along soon who can offer advice.

In my experience with my sister, it will never stop. Those children will have to endure a childhood of misery. During my sisters most recent bender, she left the home with the children left alone to drive to buy more alcohol . It always comes first and children second. Its as though nothing is more important than having a drink. The eldest child who is 8 called her daddy at work because they were frightened by themselves

Is someone advocating for your grandchild in all this?
Are social services involved? Because it sounds like they should be.
Personally the babies would now be my priority if I was you.
What is something happens to them because of her issues?

I have no idea if she stopped during her first pregnancy. I was blissfully unaware she had a problem then. What is the saying, they hide their addiction until they cant?
No SS not involved.
I help out with my GC, and she probably believed she could give up for them maybe? She couldnt, so I help out etc but why have another one?
My OH says well its happened now, all we can do is be there for her, but why should we. I know that sounds harsh but I really feel I want to cut myself free of it as it is making me miserable

Nah, she won't stop. My DSD's 'mother' died of alcoholism when DSD was 4. (I use the term 'mother' loosely as she didn't do much parenting as she was usually drunk). She hid it from DH until DSD was born. She claimed she'd given it up during pregnancy. DSD is having investigations for medical/emotional issues and there are strong suspicions that a mild version of foetal alcohol spectrum disorder is present.

Please put your grandchildren first. I know you are doing everything you can to help out. But your daughter needs a serious reality check and I believe SS should be involved.

The children will come first. I guess I was clutching at straws hoping she would stop.
So sorry others are going thru this, its so difficult

She could stop but only if she admits she has an issue.

Alcoholics generally need to feel the consequences as that helps them reach their rock bottom quicker. You backing away is not necessarily a bad thing IF the child is safe as it could hasten her decline which would then prompt her to admit she's not managing anymore.

I found the desperation to get sober after my first baby - so it can happen but only if she wants it to.

You should contact Al Anon as they support the families of alcoholics.

She’s still her mother ffs, no matter what you think of her

Any chance you have the same GP? I know they won't be ae to discuss her with you but if you tell the GP you are extremely anxious and want advice about a pregnant choice daughter at least they are aware & can raise it when doing bloods etc?

I'm sure there are some social workers here who can advice on whether it's worth reporting to SS? I wouldn't feel bad, you are doing it for the right reasons.

Third option, can you speak with her husband about the importance of letting her medical team know etc?

It's horrendous watching an adult destory themselves and their children. I understand how worrying & stressful it is.

I hope you won't mind me saying this, but I was a baby born to a drug addict (my birth mum was addicted to heroin and I was 3 months premature and 2lbs), and to be honest, although I've had a wonderful adoption and upbringing, my health has definitely been affected by the drugs.

I was "lucky" enough to only suffer from mild high frequency hearing loss as a result of my prematurity, but I'm pretty certain the drugs affected my body in other ways and my sensitivity to medication/susceptibility to certain adverse reactions/side effects etc. Of course, nobody can say for certain but if I'd not been born addicted to drugs or prematurely, I may never have had these issues.

Obviously your DD is very much in the throes of addiction so won't just be able to go cold turkey, but for the sake of her unborn child, she needs to think seriously about how her addiction is affecting the baby now and in the long-term. I'm not saying it will be born early, but the risk is higher and of course, the baby will probably be withdrawing when it's born too.

I don't want to scare you saying all of this,but I thought I'd just put my thoughts in there as something to consider. Best of luck to you and your DD. You sound a wonderful mother and grandmother. I hope things will be ok with her pregnancy 💖

I just wanted to say to the OP -- I understand you feeling that you want to give up on your daughter, and that may be the right thing to do.

But please, don't give up on your grandchildren. You might be the one stable thing in their lives. This whole situation is not of their doing or choosing; please don't pass them by.

Retired children & families social worker here, who also worked in a drug and alcohol detox clinic for many years.
I suggest that you contact the social services children and families nearest to where your daughter lives and inform them of your concerns. Ring first to get information on which team to contact verbally and share your very valid concerns with them. Ask what they can do to protect the child and when they will begin to do so. Ask them to confirm your referral to them and that they have recorded it, discussed it with a manager and what the outcome will be. Request that they confirm this in an email to you. Do the same with the relevant GP practice.
Decide what your response will be when your daughter discovers that you have been in touch with the Local Authority and the relevant GP practice.
Given your daughter's likely volatile behaviour when she figures out that you're the informant to the health and social care agencies, you may think it worthwhile to inform your local police force.
Plan what you can do to minimise the probable physical and emotional effects of your daughter's rage when she discovers that she has been "grassed up" (entirely reasonably, for the welfare of your grandchildren) by her mother.
Don't tell her husband. He is colluding with her damaged and damaging behaviour.

Well done for stepping up to the plate to protect your grandchildren's welfare.

NooNooHead of course I don't mind. I wasn't expecting a message from someone who's mum was an addict. It has put a new perspective on it. Thank you so much for that, a real dose of reality.
I was thinking of informing the gp and ss but I would lose my daughter and grand children as they would know it was me who told them.
I really do not understand her husband either. Maybe he believes she will be ok now shes expecting, but he is acting as if they are happy families again now

When you say she is alcohol dependent and occasionally dabbles with cocaine OP, can I ask how this manifests itself?

I'm sure you're not overreacting but it's important to distinguish "drinks too much and goes to the occasional party once a year with old friends who do coke" (obviously still massively problemtic) from alcohol dependency and regular drug use.

Also, what about her relationship with her child's father is toxic? Do they sometimes argue and egg each other on, or is it chaotic and dangerous for the child?

Neither set of circumstances is acceptable, but knowing the difference will help to decide which course of action to take.

In my experience social services are less concerned with v middle class parents who 'like a wine' (urgh) and have the occasional binge (the number of social workers who do coke is quite shocking) than more stereotypically problematic parents. I'm not saying for a moment this is right. But I would approach SS in different ways depending.

I'm sorry for you, your daughter and your GC.

Appelationstation, I am not sure how often, however she has stolen money to pay for it, she was getting blind drunk at least a few times a week that I know of. Drink driving. Stealing food from shops, the list goes on. I have been in denial about how bad it was/is and still am.
Her husband has left to stay at his brother's a few times as she is often drunk when he goes home and she gets aggressive with him. On the other hand he will give her money for drink!

I had a colleague with similar issues but mainly alcohol , they eventually divorced because the husband couldn’t deal with it anymore , she’d been in and out of detox places and always relapsed . She died when she was 32/33 . We all used to say well if she’s not going to stop for her kids what will make her stop - and the answer was nothing .

You need to tell somebody so they know it's a risk for the baby in utero, as well as afterwards. He's not going to say anything, she's not going to say anything, so I think you need to take the chance of her guessing that you've told them (they aren't going to say 'Your Mum has called') before she gives birth to a permanently harmed child or kills the lot of them by driving when out of her nut on substances.

She won't stop. I would tip social services.

It's highly unlikely she'll stop completely, I'm afraid.

I'm really sorry to bring this up, but I think you should be aware. Another thing to bear in mind will be foetal alcohol syndrome, which is mostly due to exposure during the 1st trimester, often before one has even found out that they're pregnant. Binge drinking is worse than continuous low level drinking and 1 or 2 binge episodes can lead to harm to the developing foetus. It may be worth contacting social services anonymously for advice if protecting your grandchild is your priority.

From your description she is not even a "functioning" alcoholic. It is so bad she is frequently behaving illegally. I'm not saying that's more important than the children, just that this is the level she's got to.

This being the case, the ONLY thing you can do is report it. If she and her husband feel betrayed, then so be it. If it helps, imagine how your would feel if she killed someone drink driving, even her children.

Still her mother, you know, the woman that carried her for 9 months and gave birth to her. Always will be her mother, regardless of how shit you deem her to be.

I will have to look up foetal alcohol syndrome as I thought that was when a baby was born addicted. It's worrying then as I know she didn't know she was expecting for over a month and she was definitely drinking heavily during that time