..to not be hopeful of a recovery?

[IsItJustMePfft]

Hi everyone.
I won't bore you with all the details but my daughter who is married with one child is alcohol dependant (which she refuses to admit is a problem) and dabbles with cocaine, both addictions being years in the making. Her husband is at his wits end and is deeply unhappy and their relationship is quite toxic.
The last six months in particular, her addictions and subsequent chaotic life has been very stressful for me to deal with.
Now she has announced she is pregnant again! I can believe how irresponsible they have been!
Both are acting as if it's the best news in the world
I have no idea if she is still drinking or using, I guess what I want to know is if she could really give up such a problem that easily for pregnancy?
I'm in no doubt she may start again after baby is born as having the responsibility of one child wasn't enough to stop her so will she really stop with the stress of two?!
So AIBU to think she will be able to give up these serious addictions during her pregnancy?
Any experience of this?
TIA

For pure child protection reasons you need to refer to social work. This unborn baby and your other Grandchild is at risk from her parenting (or lack there of) with little protective factors (other than you) to mitigate that risk.

If you didn't want to make that call then tell GP or midwife (if she has booked in) they would be duty bound to address this.

This is so sad for you, but those children need this.

This is what I need, being told how bad it actually is. I am still trying to convince myself it's not too bad and can change. Who am I kidding

Definitely need to get SS involved. For the children's sake x

I don't think any one here can say one way or another. There will be people who can and do, after all people stopped smoking instantly. Cocaines not a physical addiction its psychological. The alcohol may be the biggest pproblem. Will she attend aa meetings or ca meetings? Does she admit she has an issue and will she be honest with her midwife, I think if the answer yo all that is yes then it shows she has a good chance and is prioritising the babies wellbeing over her addiction. If she doesn't admit she has a problem and is lying to not only herself but others too (addicts lie) then it doesn't look promising.

My husband went back to a party one night and the guys prregnant girlfriend was sat on her own taking cocaine. He left in disgust. I hope for her babies sake she can fight her demons.

You should go follow and watch some videos from -hypnosis_expert on Instagram or tiktok he helps people with addiction and his wisdom is amazing.

Maybe this will change there is always hope. But, for now, formal intervention is required. Also please make sure they know EVERYTHING and if some how the truth is concealed/no issues are found, then keep going back. Children cannot protect themselves and need responsibile adults to do so. This does not make you a bad person.

@IsItJustMePfft I'm really sorry to hear things are the way they are. Lots of red flags that suggest stopping won't be easy for your daughter.

I'd decide what you want the desired outcome to be.
A) harm reduction for your daughter and her children with lots of support
B) children (plural) taken into the care of the state (possible if ss go in hard having being given the full picture
C) you stepping in to prevent children going into care, in the hope that your daughter can recover with the right support and still have a relationship with her kids.

These are the realistic options. I say this because you need to know what you're setting in motion by reporting to ss. Which is probably what you need to do.

Only you can decide your best course of action. It's not a small decision. There are charities that specialise in supporting grandparents who care for their gc in these circumstances. I suggest seeking their support.

Your daughter and your grandchildren are lucky to have you.

Certainly in Scotland social work would very likely look to kinship care first, if the situation was assessed as requiring the child/children to be removed.
Can't speak for elsewhere in the UK.

If you think you might drop them yourself you should at least make nursery/school/SS aware so someone is looking out for them.

I would do that anyway but she might cut you out when she realises.

There would be consent issues etc depending on what legal (or indeed "voluntary") route is taken, I should have added that.

Does her husband not have any addiction issued with alcohol/cocaine?

I don't believe her husband has addictions. He does drink but not often.
She will cut me off I know she will which is why reporting her is such a hard decision

I was thinking of informing the gp and ss but I would lose my daughter and grand children as they would know it was me who told them.

You need to report, so everyone involved can be supported and kept safe. Neither GP nor SS nor Police will disclose where the information came from.

Bluntly, would you rather have living grandchildren who you don't see, or dead grandchildren because their drunk drugged mother drove with them in the car?

You are letting your fear prevent you from safeguarding not just your own family, but anyone else your daughter might kill whilst drink/drug-driving.

The responsible choice is for your daughter to terminate her pregnancy, seek treatment for her addictions, and stop harming her existing child.

@IsItJustMePfft how out of the blue would your actions be according to your daughter? How can you manage this?

If you take this action your relationship with your daughter will no doubt change.

How will your relationship with your daughter change if you do nothing? It sounds like it can't stay the same either way. Sometimes there has to be a pain barrier. She may cut you off. You may be able to forge a new relationship in time.

If you're genuinely acting in her best interests as well as those of the children there is hope that your relationship will survive, possibly even deepen. But it will take time. If the immediate needs of grandchildren are the priority here I'd suggest your relationship with your daughter is part of the long game. Your gc need you now. She might come to see this one day, but you can't wait for that to happen (because the kids can't wait for a responsible parent). Who is most in need?

If SS are not involved already, they should be. Alcoholism can be easy to hide as she is likely to have built up resistance to it and 'handle' her drink. I see kids with Foetal Alcohol Syndrome all too often and it is truly awful! Please help the kids x