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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would this wind you up from MIL and SIL ?

98 replies

umbrellaellaeheheh · 25/01/2023 13:20

It's minor but I've noticed it happens a lot..

My son is 3 and barely needs a booster seat at our dining table, as our chairs are quite high and they're like little arm chairs. A pillow does the job.

Whenever he's at MIL house, she insists on putting him in a high chair. I think it's a bit ridiculous. He can easily sit at the table with a booster and even without, he manages fine. But her house, her rules. No harm done.

Whenever she's at my house with SIL and I set him up to eat. Set his place etc, they're always commenting on if he's ' ok ' to be sitting like that or does he need another pillow or booster seat or high chair. I always say, he's absolutely fine, which he is. They then always want him to use the teeny tiny cutlery or they want him to eat with a tea spoon. I think he eats better with normal cutlery and does just fine. But again, every time without fail, they'll say whether they should get him the small cutlery etc.

It annoys me because it's my house and I've set him up that way and continue to set him up that way, so why do they need to keep banging on about it ? It's just disrespectful. He'll be eating and they'll turn to me and say ' shall I get him a small spoon ? '.

He eats fine, he's just a kid. Sometimes he struggles eating from a teaspoon and manages much better with a big spoon.

Yes, this is a non issue in the grand scheme of life, but it's annoying when people do stuff like this repeatedly.

OP posts:
umbrellaellaeheheh · 25/01/2023 14:23

ShirleyPhallus · 25/01/2023 14:18

I feel like I’ve missed some sort of important parent memo. My DD has just turned 3 and still uses a high chair, she’s too short for our dining chairs and it sits her nicely at the table. She can get in and out just fine.

When are they meant to stop using them?! What should we be using instead??

I don't think you've missed anything. If your DD is comfortable like that, that's fine. It sounds like her high chair is one that doesn't have a tray or where you've taken the tray off and you can adjust the height for her to sit at the table.

I think the high chairs most people think 3 year olds are too old for, are the ones with a tray table and where you can't adjust the height. But it's totally up to you.

Whatever works !

OP posts:
Renlea · 25/01/2023 14:24

I would have thought at 3 that normal cutlery could seem a bit big for the mouth? Mine are older now so I can't remember, but I'd say they are just thinking of your child's comfort.

Eyeofthestorm7 · 25/01/2023 14:25

Well when he’s four he will probably be going to school and expected to sit on a chair and eat with knife, fork, spoon so they are not helping him be ready for that whereas you are. But I agree they are undermining of your parenting and need to stop going in about it. DH?

ShirleyPhallus · 25/01/2023 14:25

umbrellaellaeheheh · 25/01/2023 14:23

I don't think you've missed anything. If your DD is comfortable like that, that's fine. It sounds like her high chair is one that doesn't have a tray or where you've taken the tray off and you can adjust the height for her to sit at the table.

I think the high chairs most people think 3 year olds are too old for, are the ones with a tray table and where you can't adjust the height. But it's totally up to you.

Whatever works !

Yeah it’s just the normal ikea one…. <off to investigate alternatives>

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/01/2023 14:26

It's the fact they keep going on that would annoy me

"Bloody hell you two, can't I feed my own child in my own home without the constant scrutiny?"

Krakenes · 25/01/2023 14:27

Ours is 20m and sits at the table and issues normal cutlery (albeit the starter sized cutlery). They get annoyed in a high chair. Next time they ask about the baby cutlery, just tell them you threw it out as he doesn’t need it anymore.

umbrellaellaeheheh · 25/01/2023 14:29

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/01/2023 14:26

It's the fact they keep going on that would annoy me

"Bloody hell you two, can't I feed my own child in my own home without the constant scrutiny?"

That would definitely start a fight.

I'll grin and bear it with the knowledge that my feelings are normal.

OP posts:
Ihatethenewlook · 25/01/2023 14:31

Suzi9989 · 25/01/2023 13:51

Is it a safety concern? Children in highchairs are more secured. They sound caring not disrespectful 🙄

He’s 3 years old, not 3 months! He doesn’t need strapping in at the dinner table ffs 😂

Mariposista · 25/01/2023 14:32

Ugh they are infantilising your kid and keeping him as a baby. I wouldn’t be happy about the high chair, at his height and weight he could lean back and tip it over. They are for babies! As for the cutlery, they’re not letting him develop and learn. Surely if he was having problems eating, it would be obvious and you could get him a smaller spoon to help him.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 25/01/2023 14:32

Renlea · 25/01/2023 14:24

I would have thought at 3 that normal cutlery could seem a bit big for the mouth? Mine are older now so I can't remember, but I'd say they are just thinking of your child's comfort.

I agree with this, not just big for the mouth but also the length of a full size fork or spoon in tiny hands must be quite awkward. Like I said upthread though its been a long time since mine were that age.

RoundUpRuby · 25/01/2023 14:32

ShirleyPhallus · 25/01/2023 14:18

I feel like I’ve missed some sort of important parent memo. My DD has just turned 3 and still uses a high chair, she’s too short for our dining chairs and it sits her nicely at the table. She can get in and out just fine.

When are they meant to stop using them?! What should we be using instead??

As with everything, there is no “meant to”!

If it works for you, if works for you, but it’s worth noting that next year she’s going to go to school and will be using table and chairs so keeping her in a highchair and restricted while eating might not be that developmentally useful.

My DD gave up the highchair at 18 months. She’s tiny (still in 9-12 month clothes) and eats at her little table and chairs, but she does just fine at a regular table on a regular chair too when we go out to restaurants or other peoples houses.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 25/01/2023 14:33

Mariposista · 25/01/2023 14:32

Ugh they are infantilising your kid and keeping him as a baby. I wouldn’t be happy about the high chair, at his height and weight he could lean back and tip it over. They are for babies! As for the cutlery, they’re not letting him develop and learn. Surely if he was having problems eating, it would be obvious and you could get him a smaller spoon to help him.

maybe it is obvious to them?

RoundUpRuby · 25/01/2023 14:35

ZeroFuchsGiven · 25/01/2023 14:33

maybe it is obvious to them?

Even if that were the case, it is not appropriate to mention it more than once.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

umbrellaellaeheheh · 25/01/2023 14:35

@ZeroFuchsGiven he has both big and small cutlery and he really does just fine with big cutlery. I also have eyes of my own to see when my son is struggling ( he's not ). I wouldn't just sit there not giving a fuck and letting him struggle.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/01/2023 14:38

umbrellaellaeheheh · 25/01/2023 14:29

That would definitely start a fight.

I'll grin and bear it with the knowledge that my feelings are normal.

Frankly, so what? Are we all supposed to just accept people doing this to us? By all means word it nicer.

Sleepless1096 · 25/01/2023 14:41

I would take the view that what you do in your house is your concern, and what other people do in their houses is their concern. Until the point at which your DS demonstrably doesn't fit into the high chair at your MIL's without his body being contorted, at which time I would observe mildly, "I think a 7 year old can be trusted at the table, don't you MIL".

Ihatethenewlook · 25/01/2023 14:42

My mil was like this. She’d never say anything to me, it was always passive aggressive comments to my child. My dd would be whinging for her tea as I was making it and mil would be opening crisps or sweets for her. When I’d stop her it’d be ‘omg isn’t your mummy so mean leaving hungry with nothing to eat’? I know she’s hungry, that’s why I’m cooking her tea you tit. She won’t want it after a bag of crisps and a pack of frutella. She drove me absolutely batty over her still being in nappies at 12 months old (all of her children were potty trained at 9 months apparently). In one 20 minute visit me and oh counted !17! Comments she made to our child about her still being in nappies. ‘Omg I can’t believe you’re still in nappies’. ‘Can’t your mummy be bothered to potty train you’? ‘You need to come to nanny’s for the day so I can get you out of those nappies’. She was actually out of nappies by the time she was 2 which I was really proud of, and even then it was ‘thank god your mummy’s FINALLY got you out of those nappies. I felt like lamping her.

beachcitygirl · 25/01/2023 14:42

They are being bloody ridiculous. Your son, your rules. Real chair, real cutlery. They are babying him & he's not a baby.

umbrellaellaeheheh · 25/01/2023 14:46

Sleepless1096 · 25/01/2023 14:41

I would take the view that what you do in your house is your concern, and what other people do in their houses is their concern. Until the point at which your DS demonstrably doesn't fit into the high chair at your MIL's without his body being contorted, at which time I would observe mildly, "I think a 7 year old can be trusted at the table, don't you MIL".

Yes totally right. I don't say anything about what she does with him when he's at her house. I don't hover around either, making comments. I very much believe in treating others as you'd like to be treated. So I'm pretty chilled about what she does with him there and don't interfere. He's not there a lot, so what if she wants to baby him. He's mostly with me and I don't do it. She'll catch up eventually on her own. But when he's in my home, I would like to just do what I want, without constant back chat.

OP posts:
LaLaLouella · 25/01/2023 14:53

Just tell her to stop it. Seriously, "stop putting him in a high chair, it's totally unnecessary and he's more comfortable on a chair", "no, he uses full size cutlery, stop giving him forks that are too small". Rinse and repeat. It's so irritating.

DrunkenKoala · 25/01/2023 14:56

I had similar but with my own family - mainly my mum who also had a controlling streak. I found it very frustrating when she would state something I was about to do wouldn’t work - really I’ve been doing it for weeks and it’s worked fine so why won’t it work now? Response was usually a tut and comment about me being cheeky 🤣. Unfortunately my mums behaviour to me turned quite nasty and we are now non contact. And I do think me doing things my way had something to do with it, she had no control over the situation and she didn’t like it.

So I get it OP, your in laws should be supporting you and your child’s development ESPECIALLY when they can see what you are doing is working.

diddl · 25/01/2023 14:59

Do you have a booster seat that you could take to Mil's?

Just use that instead?

HikingHairDontCare · 25/01/2023 14:59

I’d make an announcement before he gets on the chair ‘before you ask, yes he’s fine with a pillow, no he doesn’t need another or a booster or high chair, yes he’s fine with the cutlery I chose, right, let’s eat’.

HAF1119 · 25/01/2023 15:05

Isn't there a weight limit to most high chairs? I thought most the max weight was 15kg which a lot of 3yo are...

KettrickenSmiled · 25/01/2023 15:05

Just tell them "I've answered that question so many times I'm not sure why you keep asking it."

Then stay silent.

Let the Awkward Moment fall exactly where it belongs - back on them.