To wonder what it's like to have children with multiple partners?

[FuzzyPinkTaco]

I got talking to a mum at one of my children's activity groups I have met several times. We got talking about the Christmas holidays and she was saying how stressful it always is and how the logistics of planning family time around events like that are a nightmare because her husband has 4 additional children to the ones she has with him. Two sets from two different ex-wives. So he now has three sets of 2 children with three different wives now. One of his exes refuses to cooperate with him and will not do any pick up / drop offs to help the children see him so it's all on him to drive almost an hour to collect and drop them off which makes things very complicated. Obviously he does need to make the effort, but it all seemed so complicated.

And yes, obviously there are women who have multiple children with multiple men as well.

AIBU to wonder about the family dynamics of situations like this work and how it all works and effects the children? If you are a partner of someone with step children or other multiple sets of children as above do you get frustrated with not easily being able to make plans? How do you feel about it? Do you try and have a friendly relationship with the other parent of the children to make things a little smoother?

I can't relate to this situation, but am curious as to how it would work (for my own personal reasons), but am generally just curious about the whole thing.

*Forgot to add as well how mums with children with multiple partners feel.

Why are you focusing just on the potential negatives....it's almost as if you want to create drama?

Well firstly there is no one answer. Everyone will have different setups. And the way I see it it's no more complicated than having several sets of grandparents. It just is the way it is. There's negotiation about who is coming over when but again that's the same with any family. It's really not as horrendous as you seem to think it is.

Not trying to create drama at all. It's just that the mother I was speaking to was making it out to be quite a stressful thing and seemed quite flustered about it weeks after the fact (although she does seem quite flustered on the best of days).

I'm really just curious as to how people make it work as I have not lived in that situation (potentially yet), so am curious to get a better understanding.

I'm not sure I'd get myself into that situation tbh, DP has DC with his exW and I have DC with my exH and that's enough difficulties for me.

This isn't your situation though so I'm not sure why you're asking OP?

Thank you. My apologies if I made it seem like a horrendous situation. I know not all will be like that obviously, but it does sound somewhat complicated if the ex-partner is uncooperative or if they live a distance away. And of course there will be benefits to it as well - I think particularly for younger children who can see the fun in having additional siblings to play with.

But as I've said above, I'm just curious as to how people make it work since I have not been in a situation like this, so am curious to get a better understanding.

I’ve always wondered this but it’s the kind of thing you can’t ask without sounding judgmental, there is a woman at my kids school that has 6 kids to 4 different men and that seems like a nightmare to me! I’m also on some mum groups and some women have kids to two different dads and one dad sees his kids and the other doesn’t and I wonder how the kids must feel in that situation.

Very curious op.... you keep repeating how curious you are. Journalist style

See my reply above. And no, I'm certainly not a journalist 🙄

Are you quite ok 😂
One of my kids dads is dead, not sure how that's selfish. In fact I think it's the opposite, I strive to keep up the kids links with their extended family.
My children all see all sets of grandparents and think of them all as their own grandparents even though they're not related biologically. One of my children isn't even biologically related to me actually. Doesn't even matter. Children can't have too many people loving them, the more the better.

@RayaRyder thats crap, my half siblings are the best things to happen to me.

@FuzzyPinkTaco so you call me a 'nutter' .... hmmm

It sounds like hard work. I've never really thought about it before. Obviously doable if the adults involved do get on and are prepared to work together though.

Well, they can do, yes.

But my husband and I grew up in blended families.

My mum left her abusive husband, married my dad (after turning him down because he proposed way too soon, and made him wait). Our family was fully integrated, my elder siblings had no contact with their dad.

My husband's dad died when he was five, and his mum remarried after a few years and had his brother.

Possibly you could call these families fully integrated, rather than blended, but there's certainly a lot of different pictures when it comes to having kids from multiple parents.

Winging it! It definitely depends on the relationship with the ex. I have children with previous partners, as does my partner . We also have children together. It can be a logistical nightmare, but good communication and flexibility means it usually works!

So mabey not as manat as you describe but I have a DSS.
communicayltion is keyboard logistics but at the moment DP and his ex are getting on quite well so are both very flexible.

The biggest logistics I struggle with is the age gap between DSS (11) and DS (3 and 0). Even before the arrival of the newborn trying to find family stuff to do with an 8 year gap is really hard. But that's not a blended family issue it's just a family one.

Literally no idea why my comment was deleted here. I agreed with PP on our curiosity if the situation, explained I have ADHD so am constantly curious about all kinds of random things which are never intended to cause offence but just gain some insight into situations to better understand things. And then called out the poster who accused me of being a journalist and others like her who are always so quick to jump on that band wagon.

The fact that it was deleted is just so strange

I’m one of 11 children with 4 mothers and 3 fathers between us in various combinations. I don’t ever remember it feeling weird or stressful as a child, though there are very few occasions when all of us were together at any one time, but that’s to be expected I think with such a large family. But we all get on pretty well, I’m very close to my dads wife, and one of my brothers dads actually gave me away at my wedding as my dad was in hospital. When my mum was very unwell and then died they all rallied around to help and sit with her and what not. I think it’s great that there are plenty of people around to ask for advice and help with things. The biggest issue we have as a family is lack of space to have get togethers now we are all adults and many id us have our own kids and some have grandkids. I think there are worse problems in the world than that.

Slightly incredulous that my post politely calling out the above has been deleted but the original hasn't. This is seriously unpleasant and offensive to many on this board - certainly not genuinely informative, supportive or friendly.

There are many circumstances where blended families work really well and are to the benefit of children... I'd certainly rather my children were part of a good blended family than a terrible nuclear one, where the parents stay together 'to put their children first' but are actually miserable... typically that also makes kids miserable.

To answer your question OP (which I did try to in more detail in my original post!) drop offs and pick ups can be a PITA when you're doing all the work, but generally it's manageable and folk do what they need to do for the kids involved to make things work.

There may come a time when the children start to think "when Dad gets bored, he'll just leave and start a new family". That would be my biggest concern; the existing children feeling very much replaceable (and rightly so).

Obviously this could be a very devoted dad who spends a great amount of effort to help raise all of his children. But and this may be a tad pessimistic I doubt it.

Slightly incredulous that my post politely calling out the above has been deleted but the original hasn't. This is seriously unpleasant and offensive to many on this board - certainly not genuinely informative, supportive or friendly.

It's just a difference of opinion. I don't agree with the point but it's not offensive and they have the right to say it.