AIBU about school's response to a further incident of bullying? Advice needed!

[Ginandcolic]

Posting here for traffic as I am due to speak to the deputy head this morning.

Background: DD (in Yr6) was assaulted by girl A and girl B (same year group) two months ago. The school was great - suspension, detention, assurances this would not happen again.

Since then, there have been low level boundary pushes eg jostling up next to DD as lunch etc. Each and every time, DD has reported this to a teacher.

Yesterday, DD was pushed into a desk by girl B so hard that it has bruised her leg. When DD told her she had been hurt, girl B said she didn't care.

DD told the head teacher who got girl B to apologise (obviously not a genuine apology) and I received a phone call and follow up email outlining what had happened and that DD had received an apology.

So, my qu: as an isolated incident, I would see this as possibly an adequate response BUT as girl A and girl B have form for this and had been told explicitly to stay away from DD, I feel a half hearted apology is not enough for a second incident of deliberate violence.

Can I please get some objective opinions on if I need to calm down or if I should stick to my guns on pushing for more action? If the latter, what should I be saying / asking?

Thanks so much. I got some great advice here around the first incident so I really do appreciate any opinions

What do you think would be a proportionate response?

It depends on whether there is capacity to separate them in different classes, but I imagine that would be difficult at this stage of year 6. The girl apologised when told to, although you don’t believe it was genuine.

If you don’t think that the school is able to keep your daughter safe, then ask for a meeting and assurances.

I am not the OP but I think a proportionate response would be to treat this as further assault and intimidation. Shoving someone into a table is an aggressive act, especially given it resulted in bruising.

Schools, like courts, have to work on evidence - and that’s the issue with bullying. I think you need to keep a record of the low level stuff to build a circumstantial case. DD needs to tell the teacher every single time they do anything, and you need to make a note of it in a diary. Then, after about a month of low level issues, you’ll have a log of consistent, low-level nastiness that can be acted on as a whole.

Consider, DD gets told her voice is squeaky. That alone isn’t bullying, it’s not nasty, it won’t get a response from the school. But, on Monday they say her voice in squeaky, on Tuesday they “accidentally” block her route to the playground, on Wednesday they whisper “about something else” whilst looking at her, on Thursday they tell her that her hair is frizzy, on Friday in PE they don’t pass her the ball. No individual incident is enough to get any action but if you compile a log that shows that every day they’re doing some small action of nastiness/bullying/exclusion/othering/etc then the picture is very clear.

You also need to be clear with the school about the action you’d like them to take. Does the school have more than one class for their age? Could the bullies be separated? In my experience, low level bullying is exceptionally hard to tackle because each incident isn’t actually a punishable offence in itself. Separation is the only thing I’ve really seen work.

I think you should push for more action to keep your DD safe. It’s up to the school to decide what they need to do to make that happen.

As PP said it's important to log evidence. Whilst the school doesn't require guilt proving beyond reasonable doubt they can't act just on a person's word (because a bully would use that as a means of targetting a victim). Keep track of all the incidents including date/time/where/what/who and how it made your child feel.

Thanks all, I have a log of most of the low level stuff and made sure DD told teachers about it every time - it's really helpful to hear that's what we should be doing.

I am not sure what I want the school to do other than make sure my DD is not physically injured again. DD is feisty and not easily cowed but a second violent incident in two months is hard to put behind you.

Separation is a potential option, I'm not sure what else to ask for? I guess the ultimate outcome I want is for girls A&B to realise DD is not fair game for this kind of behaviour and to understand there will be consequences beyond being made to apologise if anything like this happens again.

So for the school to view this as an extension of the original assault, as PP mentioned.

Is this a reasonable thing to ask for?

Can / should I be asking for a safeguarding plan? I asked after the original assault and I'm yet to receive one which was okay at the time as the school's sanctions felt like the right thing but obviously have not made a lasting impact

Sorry if I'm asking stupid questions, this is all new to me as of November

Girl B should have been excluded again.

she’s already been excluded so they know what she’s like and the fact that they made her apologise shows they believe your daughter. Being made to apologise is not a consequence at all.
at minimum she should be kept inside at break for a few days to ensure your daughters safety.

I would make sure that you:

• keep a record of all incidents
• where there are any physical injuries make sure you have a photograph of them
• arrange a meeting with the school and ask how they will ensure that your daughter is safe at school, as the issue has still not been dealt with if the bullying is continuing.

My son was attacked at school by a boy who had been pushing him around for a while (he'd only told me once before about being pushed but it had been going on a lot). I made it very clear to the the school that I considered this an assault and that if it were to happen again I would be reporting it to the police. I sent pictures of his ripped shirt and scratches on his legs to the school so they had evidence if there were any more incidents with this boy (from what I understand he has a pretty big file!).

Shoving someone and causing bruising m, whether part of a pattern of behaviour or not, should have been dealt with more robustly than a forced apology.

In the last two secondary schools I’ve worked in that would have been an internal exclusion of 2-3 days with the other child out of circulation, followed by a written apology to your DD.

Behaviour policy sounds flaky.

Also- all schools should have their behaviour and anti-bullying policies online, so have a good read of those before you meet the school and if you do not feel they have been followed then flag that.

I wouldn't accept a forced apology as a resolution.

How are the school going to prevent any future incidents? That is what I would be pushing for.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I just received an email from the deputy head saying she is "sorry [DD] feels unsafe at school."

I worry they are now going to make this about my DD being overly sensitive as opposed to the fact that she has been made to feel unsafe by their inability to stop the bullying.

I could be overthinking this though so need to stay calm for the phone call.

In terms of pushing for an understanding of how future incidents will be prevented, is a safeguarding plan the right thing to ask for? I want something tangible rather than just nebulous reassurances but I don't know if I'm using the right language?

Your daughter feels unsafe because she is unsafe, as demonstrated by the most recent attack. The school is failing in its duty to safeguard your child. They do not have her best interests at heart, they are covering their own backs. I’d involve the governors and the LEA as the school are not taking this seriously enough (a common problem).

Thanks Lego I was wondering if I should approach the governors. I have a feeling I'm going to be brushed off by the deputy head today and I'll need to steel myself to escalate it

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but I started reading and couldn't believe how similar this is to my DCs situation. This morning I printed the school's anti-bullying policy off (on their website, maybe yours has one too?) and took it with me, underlined, to a meeting with the deputy Head. I then followed up with an e mail confirming that meeting, again parroting their own policy back at them and saying I expected them to inform me in writing exactly how they were following the steps laid down in the policy to deal with bullying incidents. I also pointed out that although my DC wasn't noticeably injured in the most recent incident ( pushed over into a muddy puddle and came home caked in mud), that if any injuries were sustained in future I would be reporting the bully to the police. Hope that helps. Keep us updated on how things go with your school.

Just because they try to brush you off, doesn’t mean you’re wrong. I’m sure it would be much easier for them if this were all swept under the carpet but why should it be?! Your poor DD. You’re doing the right thing.

Do not use the word “feeling” in your communications. She doesn’t “feel” unsafe, you aren’t “concerned”, you don’t “worry” about it.

”DD is unsafe”
”DD is being bullied”
“It is unacceptable”

Facts. They can’t argue it’s perception if you present it as a fact.

@alphasox I'm so sorry you are going through this too. I have printed out the behavioural policy and see they are treating this as a stage one "minor misdemeanor" from the lack of action so far. I think I can dispute this and cross-reference their bullying policy on repeated behaviour

@Legotiger thank you, I appreciate the support, I'm feeling quite alone on this atm

@DesperateIKnow this is brilliant advice thank you. I will make a note of these phrases.

Thank you again for everyone's responses

Absolutely this.

She feels unsafe because she evidently is NOT safe.

The original assault was dealt with, but the subsequent bullying has not been, and now she has been assaulted a second time.

The school's response in this should be firm. These girls are above the age of criminal responsibility. What would you do if someone deliberately pushed you into a table at work? I don't think an apology would cut it.

They're year 6, so 10/11 years old? Above the age of criminal responsibility then. I'd report the recent assault to the police. Get a crime number. Especially as your daughter has been marked by it. Take photos of the injury.

Let the school know that any further incidents of criminal behaviour will be reported to the police.

I'd also escalate to the governors.

So quick update. I went in armed with all of your excellent advice, the deputy head has agreed to raise the categorisation of the incident from stage one to stage three (the most serious level is stage five which leads to perm exclusion).

She is going to raise levels of supervision - originally this was planned for my DD but I said I thought this was unfair as she's done nothing wrong so now it will be for the two girls who assaulted her. This will ensure DD will not be with either of the girls in question without an adult present and activities will be arrange to keep them in separate groups where possible.

The parents of the girl who shoved DD yesterday have been informed (not that they care) and the safeguarding concern will be put on the girl's record and raised with the safeguarding team at the secondary school (it's a 4-18 school).

The deputy head was definitely trying to minimise it all initially but I threatened involving the police and governors which seemed to work.

Once again, THANK YOU so much for your advice and support, it really means a lot and helped to get a good result today

Good for you OP!

Excellent work and a great result, OP!