To regret moving abroad. Anyone else?

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DH and I moved abroad about 8 months ago, we are mid 30s. We have both lived here previously for two years when we were younger. It was always my push to live abroad but DH loved it and we vowed to give it another go, more seriously, when life allowed.

Well, we made the jump last year. Spent a lot time and money to get our work visas lined up and moved across the Atlantic. Gave up our jobs and now we are here.

We are able to live a different lifestyle here which we couldn't at home, we get to explore more nature, sports, culture and day-to-day life is just more interesting. We have found decent jobs and I really enjoy mine, we have friends here.

But I just feel empty. I miss my family desperately, I miss my routines of home which at the time felt boring. After a long time apartment hunting we found a place which DH absolutely adores, but I now hate as we have realised there is no soundproofing and neighbour noise is intrusive. He can ignore it, but I can't. So I don't even feel like I have a safe place for the days when I really feel like I need some comfort.

I feel awful because my DH is having the time of his life, he has never been happier. But I just feel generally numb. Even when we are out doing fun things there is a niggle in my head that I can't shake telling me I just want to go home.

We had no planned date to return home but it was always planned to be at least 3 years at a minimum, but DH would live here forever if he could. So I just feel awful that I am bringing the mood down. He is caring and kind and is worried about me.

It doesn't feel like 'homesickness'. We lived here for 2 years before and I loved every second. It more feels like I am a different person now and that maybe this just wasn't the right choice for me.

Is anyone else living abroad and missing home, or been in a similar situation? I just wanted a bit of advice or a pep talk really, as it feels isolating.

Bumping for you as that sounds hard. Can you put a plan in place to have a return date? Even if it's in a year or two at least it will be agreed upon.

And can you come home for a few weeks to catch up with family etc?

The 2 years you did before, was there any question of that being permanent? In my experience, the possibility of being there forever reframes everything.

It took 2 years for me to get past a stomach churning awful feeling, tears often, comparing everything, and being generally a misery to be around. After that there were enough feelings of familiarity that I started to cope a lot better and felt positive in spite of the homesickness. Another year or two after that I relaised I would also miss the new place if I left, which actually sucked because it meant I'd never be happy anywhere . It's pretty much stayed there. Happy enough, occasional hard pang of homesickness that takes me by surprise but passes.

The crux of the issue for me was the prospect of having to live somewhere for the rest of my life that wasn't my home - it was utterly unbearable and not something id planned for or expected. I felt a bit of a brat for being so affected to be honest. But as i say it did pass. One helpful thing was deciding if I still felt like this at the 2/3 year mark then we'd just go back, never mind the cost etc. That helped get into the mindset of making the most of the present as there was now a get out clause.

I have moved continents twice now and it took me 3- 4 years before I started making proper friends and roots. I know what that horrible home sick feeling feels like so I send my sympathy. The difference between this time and last time could simply be your age and life stage. When you are young you are out more, partying , meeting people and people your age are more open to new friends. Now its harder as many people you meet will have the mentality of " I don't need new friends."
Plan of action - can you move house to escape the noise? hopefully you are renting? Can you return home - by yourself to visit loved ones. Have an agreement in place of the when you will both reassess and return home if you are not settled.

Poor you, it's hard.
I'm in a situation where I moved to the UK permanently from my home country some 15 years ago.
The first year was really hard. I cried a lot, questioned myself. But I preserved on the advice of my family. I knew I can always come back, so decided to try for 2 years and if nothing improves, I'd move back.
Now it's my home and I wouldn't want to live anywhere else.
I'd encourage you to give yourself a deadline, that will help you to know you're not tied to stay there forever if you keep feeling like you do now. Good luck!

I was born in Australia, spent my first 9 years there, then moved around the world a lot for the next 6 years due to my father's work, we eventually ended up in the UK. I got married at 21, divorced at 24 and moved back to Australia, with the intention of it being permanent.

I lasted a year. I didn't 'hate' being back in Australia, but I didn't feel 'at home', either. This was 30 years ago, so before the internet, all we had was the telephone and mail. I really did feel like I was at the ends of the Earth, cut off from everything, almost 'excluded' from 'real' life. I tried my best to keep in touch with friends back in the UK, but it was difficult and I'd lost contact with all but one by the time a year had gone by. Add in difficulties with my mother - who I'd paid to move back to Oz with me, along with my younger brother (going back to Oz was originally his idea, I still wish to God I hadn't listened to him) - and her immediate family, my own mental health problems (I was diagnosed as bipolar during this time) and it ended up a pretty bad time. Even worse was the fact that I'd wasted the whole of my divorce settlement on the move.

By the time a year had gone by, I was already saving for my air ticket back to the UK. I came back with just £50 to my name. Was as good as homeless, but within 2 weeks of being back I'd sorted myself out with somewhere to live (the YMCA kindly ignored the fact that I was over the age limit of people they usually helped and found me a bedsit), and was on an employment training scheme, making new friends, that also ultimately led me to getting a good job. I was far more motivated during that 2 weeks than I had been in the whole of the year beforehand. My mother and younger brother are still in Oz. I still (probably unreasonably) occasionally feel resentment and even a bit of anger that I ended up the only person not to get any benefit from a move that cost me thousands of pounds, money that I am almost certainly not likely to have access to again.

I think the first thing to do is move. It's all very well that your husband loves your apartment, but I know from experience how depressing neighbour noise can make you. The whole not being able to relax in your home could be colouring how you feel about the whole place.

I reckon you're probably at the worst stage. At first it's all new and exciting and feels like a holiday, and then real life and homesickness hits. I don't think now is the time to make big decisions about staying or leaving.

Give yourself some more time, be kind to yourself, focus on the stuff that you ARE enjoying. Then when you're feeling a bit more emotionally stable have a re-think and a chat with your DH.

I live in an EU country. I spent time here when I was younger (21 for 2 years) and loved every minute. I met my now DH in that time too. I spent two years away finishing my degree and spending a year abroad somewhere else but stayed with my DH in that time and it was my intention to return to do my master and be with him. I came back when I was 24 and it took around 2 years for me to properly settle. I went back and forth about whether I really did want to stay here forever, did I want to go back to UK, be around family, have everything in English. Dh would've come with me so that wasn't an issue. But I persevered due to having a better standard of living here and although it took 2-3 years in the end, it is now my home and I can't imagine going back to the UK. Not saying you will end up feeling the same, you might not. But you definitely need longer than 8 months to know.

I'd recommend looking for a new home that you can be comfortable in. That's very important. To give where you are a proper chance, there's no point living somewhere you are miserable. Finding a new place and agreeing to give it a proper chance for the next year would be a compromise and if you're still unhappy in a new place after a year, then you could discuss going back home.

I could have written your post OP, so while I might not be the best person to give a pep talk, I hope it helps to know you are not alone. I reasonated quite a bit with a lot of the PPs and @TheWordOfBagheera ’s post has actually given me hope as I’m about to hit the 2 year mark.

We moved for my husband’s job but I was very much the driving force for the move. I’ve been so surprised by how much I miss the familiarity and ‘mundaness’ of our old life. My husband is thriving which although I’m of course happy about does make it harder in a way and I definitely get what Bagheera said about feeling like a bit of a brat. Having done quite a lot of reflecting I’m putting it down to life phase and the place where we live not being super accommodating to living the lifestyle I think I’m probably craving at this stage in my life (pre-Covid I would never have imagined this but basically we live in a huge metropolitan city with very high pace of life and I’m craving a slower more simplistic lifestyle).

I would say that I found the first 10 months the hardest so be kind to yourself. I do think maybe agreeing on a tentative timeframe or at least a point at which you will review the situation with your DH might be helpful. It made me feel less overwhelmed by the thought of this situation being never ending. I also think trying to create routine, however mundane it might be helps to feel settled and please consider moving. I spent the first 18 months in an apartment that I disliked (mainly because it felt like an aparthotel) and we moved about 5 months ago and it has made a big difference. Kind of wish we’d done it sooner. So although I still feel the way you describe often, it’s definitely got more manageable dat to day than it was at the 8 month mark.

Homesickness is like depression and sounds very much like what you are describing.
I moved abroad with 2 small dc and had thought as I'd moved around the UK a lot and lived abroad in my 20s I was adaptable and not too rooted to the UK.

The first year was great but the homesickness came on in the second year and for me never really went away. We came home after 5 years and I never looked back once we returned.

We did have the Internet and I watched and listened to iplayer often, I don't know if that just made me more homesick tbh. We had a rule before we went that if one of us really wanted to return we would. I'd say you need to give it longer but have an escape plan too which might help if you feel less trapped.
I know people who couldn't settle and returned to the UK only to come back again after a few months, so I'd give it at least 3 years and then see how you're feeling then.

I am sorry you are having such a tough time. Moving is so difficult in the first place, I can’t imagine moving a road and then not liking where you are.

first, be open with your husband that you are struggling. Especially with your current home. That can be solved by finding somewhere else to live! Find somewhere else to live! Either, if possible, a stand alone home with no shared/common walls. Hearing other people’s noises can be very difficult. Hearing them constantly can drive one crazy.

Next, with a new home on board, make it your home. Truly your home, where you have a comfort area for you. Make plans with your husband where in xyz amount of time if you are still miserable you can come home. Having a plan can make things better.

Then live life. Find expats from your country to hang out with. I am sure there are some in your situation that would love a cup of tea or similar and hash out what you are missing. It is so different in other countries especially abroad that although life is exciting and different, it is also, exciting and different and sometimes you just want familiar and dull and what you know.

8 months isn’t long imo.
I’d move apartments as that’s not helping you settle!! Forget how much your DH loves it… there’s a lot of talk of how happy he is in your post - I wondered if there’s much consideration for you generally. So firstly I think you should move to somewhere you can live relatively happily.
also I’d book a trip back for say a few months time - see how you feel when you’re back and how that goes. See it as a holiday but use it to assess your feelings about being back etc. Xxx

Yeah we tried it twice, one to US and then to Canada. I just couldn't settle long term and had to come back to UK.

I am sorry about your experience. But since you say your life has overall improved - access to nature, cultural events, great jobs, new friends, can you give it a "trial" time and see how it goes?

Is the flat thing clouding your judgment? Crappy neighbours can make you question life! Any chance you could tell the fucker that he's making too much noise?

I've moved countries twice, more if you count going 'home'. The first year IME is the worst. Culture shock and homesickness and thinking about what on earth possessed you. But from year 2-3 things change. It becomes better and you learn to fit more.

The apartment though, maybe that needs to change. Any chance of moving that?

Give it another year and make the best of it. Then ask to move back if you are still feeling unhappy.

If you ask him early enough, you both have a good chance of going back as a couple. If you leave it for a good few years, it is likely you will be returning on your own as your relationship may deteriorate over the years you were unhappy and he won’t sacrifice what he is enjoying so much for an unfulfilling relationship.

If you have children… that changes everything. If you don’t, DON’T UNTIL YOU ARE HOME. It is unlikely for you to be allowed to move back with your children if they are settled there and dad wants regular contact. You wouldn’t be the first person trapped in a country they hate, unable to leave unless you are prepared to leave your kids behind.

But again, make the effort to make the best of it, if you still hate it in another year, just go home.

I’m very sorry. Being unsettled like this is the crummiest thing in the world.

Would it help to talk to your husband and make it clear that you’re very unhappy? Surely he wouldn’t want you to remain this way.

Love from California.

Oh poor you…you are home sick and it is very normal.
can you go back home for a little break?
i did the same thing 13 years ago and moved to UK from my home country. It gets better after a while, 8 months isnt long.

Yes, I've been there. It's possible that you are mildly depressed and blaming it on the move because it just happens to coincide with it.

I've done it and it took me 3 years to stop feeling like you describe -- although it did get easier when my friendships got more established (after 6 - 12 months perhaps) I still desperately miss 'home' but know my kids have had a great childhood and their life is here.
I think I finally settled when I accepted that homesickness was just going to be a part of life while living here.
My husband and I could still move back but as teachers, I think we are better off where we are as teaching sounds particularly challenging in the UK at the moment.
It gets both easier and harder with every year that passes. Our aging parents are a massive worry to us both. The covid years were truly awful. Not being able to travel home was incredibly hard.
Try and do things that you love in your new country. Keep in touch with friends and family back at home. Accept that life will be different and remember you have shitty days and weeks wherever you're living -- even at home. Keep busy. Take every social opportunity that comes your way and say yes to everything at least twice. We still laugh about the 'party' we were invited to when we moved house. We had to guess the weight of Sandra's Zucchini before being allowed a drink...
Give it enough time to settle but have an exit plan. Try and agree a time frame with your partner whereby if you've not settled after 18 months, you can look to move back. We still talk about it as a possibility but after 16 years, our 'kids' are now young adults making their own lives here and I suspect I may grow old here now.....
Good Luck.

I moved overseas with DH and I do kind of regret it tbh. There are things that I love about living here but also things that I find incredibly difficult. We'd originally agreed we'd be here 3-5 years. It's now been over 7...all driven by DH's work.

The neighbour noise would be a total deal-breaker for me as I also cannot stand hearing other people so close by. I think you should move.

Maybe, in your head at least, say I will give it one more year?

This may not help at all, but when I had family move away, we said, and sometimes did, have a web cam on in a corner of the room, and could watch each other go about their daily lives. And sometimes come on and talk.
It felt much more like we were together, because to some extent we were.
This went on for about 1 month until it wasnt much needed any more to the one who had left home.

I felt empty for a good 6 months-a year when I moved abroad. I think it was just a protective mechanism to help me deal with the stress and adjustment.

I did the opposite - moved home in 2019 and regret it. The winter feels neverending and the summers, fleeting. I get by, by telling myself I'll go back eventually, maybe to retire!