To regret moving abroad. Anyone else?

[plantpots3694]

DH and I moved abroad about 8 months ago, we are mid 30s. We have both lived here previously for two years when we were younger. It was always my push to live abroad but DH loved it and we vowed to give it another go, more seriously, when life allowed.

Well, we made the jump last year. Spent a lot time and money to get our work visas lined up and moved across the Atlantic. Gave up our jobs and now we are here.

We are able to live a different lifestyle here which we couldn't at home, we get to explore more nature, sports, culture and day-to-day life is just more interesting. We have found decent jobs and I really enjoy mine, we have friends here.

But I just feel empty. I miss my family desperately, I miss my routines of home which at the time felt boring. After a long time apartment hunting we found a place which DH absolutely adores, but I now hate as we have realised there is no soundproofing and neighbour noise is intrusive. He can ignore it, but I can't. So I don't even feel like I have a safe place for the days when I really feel like I need some comfort.

I feel awful because my DH is having the time of his life, he has never been happier. But I just feel generally numb. Even when we are out doing fun things there is a niggle in my head that I can't shake telling me I just want to go home.

We had no planned date to return home but it was always planned to be at least 3 years at a minimum, but DH would live here forever if he could. So I just feel awful that I am bringing the mood down. He is caring and kind and is worried about me.

It doesn't feel like 'homesickness'. We lived here for 2 years before and I loved every second. It more feels like I am a different person now and that maybe this just wasn't the right choice for me.

Is anyone else living abroad and missing home, or been in a similar situation? I just wanted a bit of advice or a pep talk really, as it feels isolating.

Sometimes.

I just want to point out that this feeling will come and go, as will the intensity.

One difference for us is that we are both open to returning to the UK eventually and our jobs aren't tied to the move.

I think we will move back in time and just knowing that we can whenever we choose to, kills the intense homesickness.

Also you might be surprised by your partner, he may have similar feelings and thoughts.

I second the advice not to have children until you are happy to stay there. I have a relative trapped abroad, still terribly homesick after 10 years, as her husband and kids love it and refuse to come back. She would have to leave her kids behind if she came back without him.

I also have a friend who felt the same way as you initially, but has now settled and is happy with her new life, house, friends, citizenship. She still mentions returning when they retire but I can't see it happening.

I’ve moved internationally 4 times. I know the drill now. I never enjoy the first year. Then somehow it all comes together and I find that I’m happy.

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I lived overseas for 20 years. The first year/eighteen months was awful for me - whilst my husband thrived. I was often lying in bed or on the sofa in tears, miserable about my new life. It did get better though - as I made more friends and just generally adapted. To the extent that I grew to love it, it became home (well home from home). I would often think of the UK wistfully - especially when watching UK TV or a film shot in the UK. I especially missed the unique UK festivity/cosiness through Autumn and Christmas. But I grew to love my new homeland - which had many other different benefits. When we moved back to the UK, I was not the one driving it! Now I am back, I am happy in the UK again.

My advice would be to take each day as it comes - try not to think in 'forever' terms as that is too daunting. Try to think this is where I live right now. I would also say don't put too much pressure on yourself to 'do stuff' to find happiness. Don't feel you need to search for happiness. Just live each day and try and enjoy each little pocketful of happiness that comes your way. Which are often just the small things. Being out during a beautiful sunset. Finding a shop or restaurant you like. Try and keep an open mind.

One thing that did really transform things for me was joining a sports team. Just as an absolute beginner. This led to some of the best friendships of my entire life and a sense of belonging and support.

I moved to the UK around 5 years ago and to tell you the truth I still feel emptiness. I think it's because of my personality, personal circumstance and COVID. Especially Covid. Before the pandemic, I thought I could see my family and old friends whenever I wanted to see them and had time to seem them. I felt travelling between countries wasn't difficult so I felt I connected to my family and old friends but since the pandemic, travelling has become difficult and expensive. I started to feel distant from the people who I thought I was close to. This includes my family. I do video call with them pretty often but I feel some distance. Nobody has changed but me. I feel I've lost part of my identity. I don't know whether this feelingl will last temporarily or this will be something I need to embrace for the rest of my life.

Yup I know exactly how you feel. I’ve been living abroad for nearly 16 years. Hated the first 4 years and although I don’t hate it anymore I have spent the last 16 years counting down to when we can return - hopefully now just another 4 years. I have a great life with a big house etc but I miss out on so much with my family. My husband loves it here and would probably prefer to stay forever - I am returning, with or without him!

OP, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Give your move some more time but tell your husband the apartment isn’t working for you and you’d like to find another one. Just tell him you need to be happy at home in order to start trying to enjoy your new life.

Yep I agree but his work is here and not transferable back to UK. And as I said I have a good life - have made friends have activities and live in a beautiful area so it’s not a miserable existence but I just yearn to be back home. Hubby is very pragmatic and doesn’t feel the same - what can you do? I’ve compromised and soon he will have to!

I guess it's likely one of two things and I think only time will tell for sure:

1. it is homesickness (that you're not identifying). The change in environment, job, social life, culture and lack of family is overwhelming. That's a LOT to change all at once. In time, this will get a lot easier.

2. the grass wasn't greener and you've realised that being close to family is more important for you than you thought. You may genuinely be happier back at home.

I personally don't think 8 months is long enough. Given how much you wanted this, I would give it two years. Stop seeing it as a permanent move and start seeing it as a long holiday. Then, when the two years is up, you re-evaluate knowing you're past the initial trauma/upheaval and can think a bit more rationally.

I moved across the Atlantic in my late 20s, with the intent that the move would be permanent (through eventual marriage to my then partner) and even though I had a decent job, decent life, i too felt there was something missing. I had no real history there, no childhood bonds with anyone, and no family there. I resented being a 'legal alien' with no rights and I started to miss those everyday things I had taken for granted in the UK.
Over time I realised that the gloss/attractiveness of this country that I was first so enthused by (I had visited many times prior to moving 'permanently') became false, unattractive and downright annoying.
I have never been so lonely as when i was there, and ultimately it led to me making some brave decisions and coming back to the UK.
It sounds like you need roots. Can you and your DH do more things together, eg. sports or join some kind of social meet up, where you can maybe meet others and develop a good social circle and do more things that cement you into your area so you feel a greater sense of belonging.
I think you have to open about your environment and the noise etc. If you aren't happy at home it will affect your overall wellbeing. Perhaps broach the topic of moving to different accommodation?

Give it time. I found the first winter hard, fewer people around, fewer things going on. A lot of local shops and restaurants closed in January or February for their holiday. Once things livened up in the Spring, pool warm enough for swimming again I could see why we’d made the move.

That sounds tough.

Could you make a pact with DH, that you will stay until two years are up (another 16 months). During that time you both try to enjoy the good and find the best in your new life. Wholeheartedly.

But if at the end of two years you still feel just the same, displaced, not at home, then you call it a day and come back to UK.

8 months is not a long time in a new place and a lot can change in 2 years.

I've been living abroad for 6 years now. I moved over to be with my now husband on the understanding that it may well be permanent. I only moved over when I had a decent job to come to, which I think made a huge difference because I've always had my own money. We now have children and I think it is highly unlikely that I will move back to the UK, even if my husband and I were to separate.

The first 6 months was like a honeymoon period. We were so happy to be finally living together and we had the freedom to really enjoy the city. (Paris.) Then reality set in, and I found months 6-18ish pretty hard, especially the realisation that this was pretty much my life now.

I now feel completely settled and can't imagine moving back.

I second the advice to find somewhere to live that you like, just to increase the chances of feeling better in general.

Also agree with PPs who said not to have children until you have a cast iron agreement with your DH about where to live permanently. I have been living abroad for nearly 17 years now, moved to be with exH, had DC, then split up some years later but couldn't move home and take the children away from exH. My life is here now and I'm not sure if the UK even is home anymore. (But I liked it here anyway so I'm ok with that)

I'm on the opposite side of things, but I sympathise entirely. I moved from East Asia to the UK to be with DH (a Brit). I miss the routines and comforts of home, the traditions and culture of home, my family (and the extended family culture back home).

Sometimes I think the advice to "assimilate" is way overrated - I have, both at work and outside of work. I have an active social life with locals here. But it can't replicate the kind of warm, communal culture I'm used to from back home.

This may be controversial but I personally think it's fine to exist mainly in a "bubble" of your fellow expats from back home if that's what makes you feel happy and fulfilled, rather than isolated and numb. Of course you could try to balance both equally, but when life gets busy and push comes to shove you do have to choose what to prioritise in your social life.

And if you do have plenty of spare time, having that secure home "bubble" will - somewhat ironically - help you feel slightly more comfortable/motivated in making connections with the locals in a culture alien to you

Maybe you should try a different country that's easier to visit family.

I live about a 21/2 hour flight away from my family. It's great. It's affordable to fly back regularly

I don't miss anything about living in Britain except Greggs steak bake

8 years is very new in. I think you need to give it a couple of years. You say yourself your life is more interesting in the US, so I think missing your old boring routines is just homesickness.

Tell your DH you are struggling right now, but want to give it a proper go for 2 years. Part of that is finding a new apartment asap, and part of it is you really committing to throw yourself into it, as you say you planned and saved for this, so you would be doing both yourself and him a disservice if you just flake out. You will regret it.

8 MONTHS I mean

I empathise. I left the UK for NZ nearly two years ago and am really struggling. DH is a kiwi but had spent over 30 years in the UK. We had kids late in life but they're teenagers now and we came here so they could get to know their family and finish school. It's been great for them, school-wise. In general, it's safer here so I don't worry so much when they want to go out with friends. MIL was sick, which was another reason we came, and she has since died so we needed to come here for hers and DH's sakes. For all those reasons, it was me that pushed for this, but I've realised I did it for all of them, not for me. Homesickness has been quite crippling at times, to the extent that I've struggled to settle into work here, which is hugely disappointing because I left a good job at home. My kids are at the age where they need lifts everywhere (it's not easy to get around here if you don't drive) so full time work is out of the question and there's not many part time jobs, so I've resorted to freelance work from home which is not great for the finances (DH is disappointed about that). I think about the UK all the time and am seriously considering moving back to the UK when my kids are old enough. I'm annoyed to have so much uncertainty at this time in my life (I'm nearly 57). So yeah, I get where you're coming from. It sucks.

It's a tricky one because you pushed for the move and now you're there, he's loving it and you not so much.

My brother moved to Australia after a breakup, he got a job offer and it was a bit of a knee jerk thing which we all thought would come crashing down but fast forward almost 20 years and he's a multi millionaire, living on the coast by the great barrier reef. He's got houses and boats and an absolutely amazing life over there. He's never settled down and married / had kids etc but he met an English girl over there about 7 or 8 years ago and seemed quite stable but out of the blue she wants to come home now for good.

After much deliberation he's told her she's welcome to return obviously, but he won't be joining her. He'll sacrifice the relationship before he moves back to the UK.

I have also spent time abroad in the USA and was reluctant to return, but it was only a fixed term deal and I had a very nice setup waiting for me back here so I didn't have a great lot of choice. I think if I didn't have the draw of my family businesses and a pretty nice life waiting for me I'd have stayed out there.