To think calling someone by their name is not bullying?

[TheShortenedName]

I am prepared to be told I am UR.

DC is 8, Year 4.

There’s a child in their class who recently switched to shortening their name, say the name was Elizabeth they’re now Beth (but not that name that’s an example). The switch was at the start of the school year.

DC is struggling to remember and keeps calling them Elizabeth. Both me and the teacher have gently reminded them that the child wants to be called Beth now, but the parent has complained and is accusing DC of bullying.

They are not calling them Elizabeth to be mean, they’re just forgetting they’re now Beth.

For context DC has a name that can be shortened but they don’t care whether they get called by their full name or the shortened version and will answer to both (say Isabella and Izzy or Christopher and Chris, DC answers to both).

DC considers Elizabeth to be their friend

Is this bullying?

YANBU - Not bullying
YABU - Bullying

(I have changed names and/or genders these are just examples)

My brother decided nearly 30 years to use the shortened version of his name, I still often call him by the full version. It is not bullying.

It’s more likely that your child knows it upsets the other child and is enjoying upsetting them !

Is your DC saying it in a mocking tone?
Is it frequent and/or over an extended period of time that your DC is getting it wrong?
Are other children getting it wrong?
Has anyone else been accused of bullying for getting the name wrong?

If they’re doing it deliberately to annoy or upset and they’re doing it repeatedly then it could be a part of bullying behaviour. If they’re doing it because they just don’t care about the other child’s preference, then that’s not being a friend. If they’re doing it because of habit and they’re not great with change, but they apologise when they get it wrong and try harder to get it right next time, then it’s a non-issue.
Like beauty, bullying is in the eye of the beholder. It doesn’t really matter what the original intent was. What matters is how he responds to having been told that Beth finds that behaviour upsetting.

If somebody says 'stop doing that, you're hurting/upsetting me' the harmful behaviour should stop - it doesn't matter if it's motivated by cruety or just carelessness, repeatedly persisting in something they know upsets this other child is unacceptable. It doesn't matter if it's accidentally stepping on their foot or calling them the wrong name, the fault is with them and they need to shape up. A Y4 child is more than old enough to be taught that what they're doing is upsetting and to stop, once or twice would be a mistake, that they are persistently not doing so absolutely should be treated as bullying.

I use my full name rather than the common shortening and dh uses an unusual shortening of his name. We both politely correct people who use other names for us (dh is fine with his full name but doesn’t use the most common abbreviation, I’m only my full name). It’s rude not to use the name people have asked you to use for them be that Elizabeth/Beth/Lizzie/Ellie/Betty/Frank.

All the adults on here saying the OPs child must have memory issues ....are you crazy ?
Knowing someone's name for many years and then needing to learn a new name is bloody difficult.

This. Calling it bullying is batshit

I have a long name like Elizabeth, until I was about 18 I was called “Lizzie” and then I changed it to “Beth” because I thought “Lizzie” was chavvy (not the actual names just a good example of a name where there is more than 1 short option, I do not think Lizzie is chavvy)

I have never begrudged people calling me Lizzie still. My own mum does. It’s technically still my name. Definitely not being bullied by anyone who uses it still 🙄

Its not bullying but its obviously upsetting 'Beth' enough that her parents have felt the need to go to the school. I think you need to have a much firmer chat with your DC about using the correct name.

I wouldn’t call it bullying but it is a bit thoughtless and might come across like your DC is doing it on purpose. Just because your DC doesn’t mind being called whichever version of their name doesn’t mean that’s how everyone feels and that should be explained to them

If done repeatedly when asked not to, then it's a bit inconsiderate, but not bullying. It would only be bullying if done maliciously with the deliberate intention of upsetting her.

Knowing someone's name for many years and then needing to learn a new name is bloody difficult.

The child is 8! Neither of them have known the name for "many years" 😂

Of course it's not bullying

If Op's dc has known Beth since nursery, it could be half a lifetime or more for him.

Surely I’m not the only person who’s called a friend’s partner by their ex’s name accidentally - but more than once? It’s very difficult when you’re used to using a name to switch to a different one. I have quite a lot of sympathy with the 8 year old here, and not much for the child who has suddenly decided to adopt a new name - and none at all for the silly mother. Somebody needs to firmly tell her that if your DC changes their name it’s going to be hard for their friends to remember. Calling this bullying is ridiculous. My eldest prefers the standard short version of his name now - his girlfriend and most of his mates use it, as did his high school teachers. We don’t, nor do the rest of his family - he’s never had a problem with both names being used.

What parent does that? It’s such an odd thing to complain about. I honestly think it says far more about the adult than it does about the children involved.

What does Beth say? Does Beth actually care? Does your DD? Does she address her often at all?
I wouldn't call it bullying unless DD is deliberately trying to annoy Beth. If Beth has said she doesn't like being called the old name, then why is DD continuing to call her that? And why is it such a big deal to Beth?

Hmm mixed feelings. I had a friend shorten her name at the start of year 5? And one girl would constantly call her by her "old name" as she knew it wound up my friend. This in itself wasn't bullying, but it was a pattern where this girl would do things to get a rise out of others 😬 I'd speak to your DC to see why they keep calling them their long name and if it's to wind them up or genuine forgetfulness

What an odd story

Yes, it is.

I think Beth has some wider issues at home if mum is getting so upset about this. I wonder why the name change, and why she is so bothered. I presume there is a reason she has decided to be formally called a different name.

Unless your child is intentionally calling her the wrong name, it's not bullying and Beth is the one who needs support to be a little more resilient IMO.. I do feel for her, but this is not the other children's issue and her classmates are not to blame for her choices and being slow to adapt.

If you absolutely know it’s not on purpose then all you can do is keep reminding him. When my child was in year 4, the teacher got married and changed surname. Most of the kids got her name wrong for the rest of the year. It’s difficult getting used to using a new name.

Well it depends if it really is an accident. In year 4 or 5 some of the other children in his class realised he didn't like his name shortening or people using the longer version , which actually isn't his name anyway. Because it bothered him some children did it more

Fucking hell. I had a dream about an ex one night and called my husband his name the next morning. I’ve been with my husband 16 years and was with my ex 5 years before that. I’d forgive a child forgetting a slight shortening of a name of a friend that’s decided to change their name weeks/a few months before to something almost identical

It's not bullying if there is no bad intent behind it.

It does sound like something I do. A new colleague of mine was really upset I couldn't pronounce her (British and simple) name for months and months. I couldn't understand it either, I had it correct in my brain but the name just came out of my mouth wrong.

Turns out I have ADHD.

I now notice how often I get names and words wrong - I was masking before and now I'm aware of it, I do it all the time.

Does your DS have other ADHD traits?