To tell DD to figure out how to make friends herself

[boomboomflyaway]

DD 13, has texted me to help her with this situation. Sorry if it’s an essay

So dd is in Y8 at the moment at a independent school. This year an old friend of hers (lets call her Louise) joined this school in Y9. She also has a sister in Y8.

Dd is asking how to be friends with her and her sister as they are not in the same year. She last had a proper conversation with Louise last term, about how she and her sister are settling in.

Dd says she doesn’t want to take away her other friends but still wants to be friends with her. She goes into her form room everyday, but says Lottie’s talking doesnt want to interrupt.

I never asked my mum these kind of things when i was 13. I know things have changed but AIBU to tell her to start a conversation herself?

Have a heart and give her a few suggestions of how she can start up a conversation, since it's obvious she's struggling.

I'd offer some guidance, but not intervene. 13 is quite young, and it's great she's coming to you for advice, so I'd want to encourage that

BTW, similar issues arise in all schools, so I'm not sure why you felt it necessary to specify that your child attends a private school

It’s quite hard with kids in other years. No one wants to be friends with someone younger. I kept my older and younger friends for out of school so as not to cramp their style - she could ask if she wanted to walk home together or go to the park or hang out after school or go shopping or cinema. Took me a few mins to write that and it’s not even my own daughter so YABU.

Dd says she doesn’t want to take away her other friends
What does she mean by this?

She has asked for advice, so I would happily talk it through with her and give her some suggestions as to how to make friends with Lottie. Given that she has actually asked for help, I think it would be a bit odd just to leave her to it and pretend that she had never said anything.

I would chat it through with my DD, I'd be pleased that they'd confided in me about something that's bothering her.

I think it's lovely that she's coming to you for advice. Don't dismiss her, next time she needs advice it might be for something much bigger. Keep your lines of communication open.

Lottie has other friends in Y8, dd always says hi when they see each other but Dd says the main reason is that sometimes she sees Lottie waking around alone

You're not very supportive, how can it hurt you to give your child 10 minutes of your time?

Are you bitter because you got no help yourself?!?

I am happy to discuss this sort of stuff with my kids.

how to start a conversation?
i just dont feel dd is mine anymore, we’ve divorced, shes barely talking to me.

This is your daughter, ffs. Why wouldn't you do everything you could to help her steer her way through friendships?

Or is this a reverse and your mum was a massive cow to you?

Sorry what?

It's great that you obviously had good social skills modeled to you and therefore didn't feel the need to ask for help. Your daughter feels differently. TBH it reflects on the social opportunities she's had to date and could be a hangover from covid during her formative years?

What do you mean by this OP?

In that case, all the more reason to engage with her

At worst, she'll know that you took her concerns seriously and spoke to her

At best, you can help her to navigate this

Win win

"Wave, smile and say Hi" when you pass in the corridor."
"Text her an invitation for a walk outside at lunch time"

If you want to drive your daughter away refusing to help help her is the way to go.
She is showing you that she trusts your judgement by asking you. Help her.

@2bazookas
interesting

I'd love it if my teenager would ask for advice about friends. She's struggling but refuses to discuss it or take any advice.

You can't divorce your child. She's starting a conversation and reaching out for help. Why would you turn that down?

Do you see your Dd or is she at boarding school? Just asking why she’s texting rather than talking to you.

my Dd asked me a similar question at a similar age and I spent a long time talking to her and giving her Ideas how to start a conversation off by thinking about different topics to ask the other person about

Erm you say she's barely talking to you but tbh this attempt doesn't sound like it's gone particularly well for her. I think you need to take the crumbs and be a sounding board at this age. Try the how to talk so teenagers will listen book perhaps. The younger one is brilliant for coaching you in what I suppose is active listening.

Kids are a lot younger these days. Most primaries won't let a child go home alone before year 6, which is fine but very different from the sort of world many of us were brought up in. If she's asking for advice I'd take the opportunity to have a line of communication open, but do understand that it's important for young people to be able to problem solve for themselves.

I'm confused. Who's Lottie?

What a random post. Are you the mum or the dad to DD?

I'd gently encourage other friendships in her own year. The girl in year 9 won't want to be close friends with a year 8 in school. But if it's meant to happen it will happen. Just tell her to smile and be cheerful but to concentrate on her own year. Perhaps invite the older friend and sister over in half term.