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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen do or don’t

32 replies

Curiousness · 24/01/2023 17:25

Have been invited to a hen do (whole weekend away from home, so expensive, not just a night out) but only invited to the evening party of the wedding.

To me if you’re invited to the hen you should also be invited to the actual wedding??

Had something similar a few years back with another friend, is this the norm?

Thoughts??

OP posts:
OhHeyBabe · 24/01/2023 17:28

Would depend how close I was to the hen, how much I liked her and if I could afford it.

Thepeopleversuswork · 24/01/2023 17:31

Totally depends on the situation. If it’s a close friend or family member maybe odd and worth asking. If it’s no one you are that close to they probably just want someone they think will fit the party mood. If it’s an expensive ballache I wouldn’t feel any obligation.

Leeds2 · 24/01/2023 17:34

I think it is quite rude to ask someone to the hen, and not to the whole day of the wedding, but I have seen it mentioned quite a few times on MN so obviously not uncommon!
Personally, I wouldn't go and would suspect that I had only been invited to help keep the costs down for everyone else.

StephanieSuperpowers · 24/01/2023 17:38

If it's an expensive overnight thing, I don't think I'd go unless I had been a bit further up the guest list. For evening wedding guests, surely there's an evening portion of the hen night?

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 24/01/2023 17:41

Hen do problems? Sounds like you're just too far down the pecking order. It might leave you feeling fowl but not worth getting in a flap.

BlueBlueBlueWinter · 24/01/2023 17:43

I find it very odd that you're close enough to her to be invited to the hen do but not to the whole wedding, especially if it's a weekend away.

CheeseDreamsTonight · 24/01/2023 17:44

I was recently asked to a hen and none of the wedding! The shame! I declined

Matilda1981 · 24/01/2023 17:45

Depends on the situation - we only had 30 people to our ceremony and then 180 to the evening do - I had about 18 friends come on my hen do and only 3 of them were invited to the ceremony.

CeriB82 · 24/01/2023 17:48

I find it odd you get an invitation to the hen do and not to the wedding.

id decline.

StephanieSuperpowers · 24/01/2023 17:56

It does seem like the worst of both worlds. The expense and tedium of an overnight hen followed by the waste of time that the wedding evening invitation always is.

HowSadSteps · 24/01/2023 17:59

Doesn’t matter whether you’re invited to the wedding. Life’s too short! Go to the hen do if you fancy it, don’t if you don’t.

I’ve had a great time at a few large hen dos when I wasn’t invited to the wedding (although some guilt invited me afterwards!). Equally I’ve passed on some hen dos that I haven’t fancied but later attended the wedding as a day & evening guest.

Grapewrath · 24/01/2023 18:01

Think it’s but cheeky really- you’re close enough to contribute to the hen and pay to attend but won’t be invited to the actual wedding or catered for there. It’d be a no from me tbh

Tinkerbyebye · 24/01/2023 18:02

I think its rude to invite someone to spend loads on the hen, but only invite to the evening, which as most know, is for those who are not considered close

i wouldn’t go to either and would be reevaluating the ‘friendship’

chipsandpeas · 24/01/2023 18:05

CeriB82 · 24/01/2023 17:48

I find it odd you get an invitation to the hen do and not to the wedding.

id decline.

but the OP has been invited to the wedding albeit the evening do

Christmasbaubleswithtinselon · 24/01/2023 18:07

A close friend got married and our group were only invited to the evening as the day was for family only. We all still went to the hen although it was one evening and cheap (but v fun).

MySoCalledStrife · 24/01/2023 18:12

There was a time once in my life that I'd have gone along to a hen do even if I'd not been invited to the wedding with some lame justification. No more. It's grabby and just vanity on the part of the bride to give the illusion of having lots of friends.

A friend did this once for hers as she was having a destination wedding abroad with about twenty guests. She had a hen night where she invited lots of her friends from all parts of her life. I guess the redeeming factor with that one was that she planned the whole night so no one had to spend any money if they wanted as it was local, she hired a bar with a drinks package she covered costs of and had it at time where people could eat before at home if they wanted to or get food at the bar if they wanted dinner out.

I reserve the same level of contempt to evening dos these days. Or, and even more excreable, people who invite you to their wedding ceremony but not the wedding breakfast, but expect you to then come to their evening do have had to killed hours of time and found somewhere local to eat

Velvetween · 24/01/2023 18:29

Unless this is a close friend who is having a small wedding, so only a select family/friend group to the day affair, then this is rude.

If she’s having a reasonable sized shindig then I’d not bother forking out for the hen party. Just politely decline you can’t make it. No need to explain..no is a complete sentence etc etc.

quinceh · 24/01/2023 18:39

I don’t think this would bother me per se, I’d just go to the weekend do if I wanted to/could afford it, and wouldn’t go if not.

Ihatethenewlook · 24/01/2023 18:44

StephanieSuperpowers · 24/01/2023 17:56

It does seem like the worst of both worlds. The expense and tedium of an overnight hen followed by the waste of time that the wedding evening invitation always is.

Other way round for me. I love a party, a piss up and a wedding buffet, and I detest wedding ceremonies. It would entirely depend on whether I’d want (and could afford) to go. I definitely wouldn’t be worrying about what the bride thought though, as it IS a little weird to be invited to the hen and not the ceremony. Just so what you feel like

Original poster
Curiousness · 24/01/2023 18:53

Thanks all. Planning on politely declining x

OP posts:
silvermantella · 24/01/2023 19:07

depends how big the wedding ceremony is. If it's one of the smaller reg office jobs, so only close family to the actual ceremony then all friends, colleagues, wider family in the evening, then no def wouldn't be offended. It would be very harsh to say if you only want/can afford a small wedding you can't have a hen do!

I'd only be offended if they were having a fair number of people at the day ceremony and I didn't make the cut, because hen parties should be your closest friends - so next 'in line' for invites after family.

OpportunityKnockss · 24/01/2023 19:11

I had this with my friend. I was completely fine with it as the wedding was very close family and I think six friends so about 20 people in total and then about 50 other guests arrived for the evening.

londonrach · 24/01/2023 19:14

Yanbu. If you not invited to the whole wedding it's rude to be invited to the hen party. I also don't understand why you have a different list for evening do. If someone important in your life surely they want to come to the actual wedding bit. The evening is often the worse bit.

MichelleScarn · 24/01/2023 19:17

Is it one of those hens where you all 'chip in for the bride's meal, drinks, stay' and somehow a bit of paying for sashes, tiaras and other fouffery for the bridal party creeps in too...?

Confusion101 · 24/01/2023 19:18

How big is the wedding? It could be like immediate family and very very close friends only to the ceremony and reception, everyone into the afters which I would be OK with. If it was a case of a lot of guests to the ceremony and reception then I'd be annoyed and prob wouldn't go to the hen unless it was something I genuinely wanted to do for myself, not for the bride 😅

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