To use the same dh estranged sister called his niece

[abittoofar]

Dh and his sister are NC along with PIL.
The issue he had was initially with his sister but I won't go into details largely because I only know one side and he doesn't talk about it so I only know bits but he never wants anything to do with SIL again and his parents have taken her side so he's NC with all of them.

We are expecting a dd and the name I love is the name SIL has called dh niece.

DH says we should use it because it's been years since he's thought of his sister and we'll never see them again and they'll never know or if they did (through other people) they'd realise how unimportant she is to him.

I'm not sure how I feel I love the name but is it unreasonable to use it?

As the username suggests, estrangement has (and does) feature significantly in my life. The last thing I’d want my spouse to do is pick a name for our child that could set off rumination, pangs, loss etc. and disturb my hard won peace.

Perhaps consider that the matter may not the closed book he presents to the world. But rather a book left open somewhere he avoids seeing it. I know it might not make sense if that kind of loss hasn’t featured in your life. But it is something people do. To have his child’s name inadvertently cause him to glance at the book may not produce entirely the kind of feelings you’d hope to have around your own kid.

IYSWIM

Your DH sounds really spiteful and like he isnt above using his own child and you to get one over on his family.

Pick another name. If I was them I'd probably just think using the name was sad and pathetic and feel sorry for you both for being a part of his game.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable. They’re irrelevant to your lives. I haven’t seen one of my siblings or parents in years, I don’t think about them so I can see why your husband thinks it’s not an issue.

But I don’t think I’d use the name as I wouldn’t want anyone to ever make a link of any kind, whether that’s we copied them so we must miss them or that shows how irrelevant they must be. I’d want no link or potential gossip at all.

I had two of my aunties call their sons the same name. It worked out fine. I don't know why they did it and nothing was ever said about it. My aunts were close, too.

It's a very popular name in the top girls names and can be shortened, in fact we probably wouldn't use the full version like they do although officially she's be the long version.

I'm very skeptical of your husband's true motivation. I'm thinking it's a way to have a go at his sister.

All the names in the world I’d choose another one. If you have a second child you will have to pick another name anyway 🤷‍♀️

It's sounds petty af from your husband. That would ruin the name for me.

I think you DH want to use the name out of spite hence the 'they'd realise how unimportant she is to him'

Choosing a name out of resentment and spite is a terrible idea. I'd go for something else.

I think it would have the opposite effect of his sister not thinking she's important to him, if she ever found out!

It would be a very very strange thing for you to do, and the fact that you have asked on here means you know it's weird. Just pick another name out of the millions of others.

It is rather weird I'm afraid. If anyone finds out, they will assume there is some strange motivation on your DH's part.

You say that isn't true and it's just a coincidence, and I believe you - why would you lie on an anonymous forum? But nobody IRL will believe in such a big coincidence.

Do it if you don't mind the possibility of people thinking your DH is rather batty. I mean, even your own daughter is going to find out one day, isn't she, and she will wonder WTF her dad was thinking.

I agree with the above. Your DH isn't admitting the real reasons and they won't make pleasant reading if he does. Even the reason he's admitted to doesnt show him in a good light. Makes me think your DH caused the family split in the first place tbh.

Choose another name.

I think it will make your DH think about his sister everytime he says his daughter’s name. It might backfire for him to be honest, even if his family of origin never even find out he’s had a child, much less her name.

"I only know one side and he doesn't talk about it so I only know bits"
If my husband had gone NC with his entire family, I'd be wanting to know the reason why, not "bits".

"DH says we should use it because it's been years since he's thought of his sister and we'll never see them again and they'll never know or if they did (through other people) they'd realise how unimportant she is to him."
The laddie doth protest too much, with that "they'd realise how unimportant she is to him"! And if it is true that he never thinks of her, that'll change whenever he looks at his daughter, named identically to her daughter.

"We are expecting a dd and the name I love is the name SIL has called dh niece."
Aye, right. There's only one name in this whole wide world that you want to name your daughter, and by a stunning coincidence, it's your niece's name. What are the odds?

Don't be a dick, pick another name. Or are you just trying to stir up enough trouble that his family never reconcile?

I'd wonder who the fuck I'd married tbh!

I suppose everyone is right.
I just like the name and when he pointed out we don't even know her it seemed to make sense but I wasn't sure it was a good idea evidently as I'm posting this.
It was me that said I liked it DH definitely wasn't being spiteful if anything he's indifferent.

I wouldn't use it only for the fact that I wouldn't want people thinking I've named my child after his SILs child... It would seem wierd

You don't use your own child to show your sister how unimportant she is to you.

What he's contemplating is erasing something unique to a child who has never wronged him in any way. A child.

I think I would lose a good deal of respect for this man just for that, and I would be concerned that he sees children essentially as pawns, something he can use to get at another adult, if even in his own head.

Children are not extensions of their parents' personalities. Your child isn't something he can use like that, and his sister's child isn't either.

Choose another name - there are thousands of them. There must be one other name out there that you both like.

Then your H needs to deal with the unfinished family drama under the guidance of a counselor.

Is it a name that can be changed slightly e.g. Cara instead of Clara, Olive instead of Olivia?
I think it's weird too and would see it as he did it to be spiteful. There are a million names in the world, pick another one.

I’m in the “of all the names in all the world camp” too.
I’d avoid top ten names anyway.
Not to be D’iff-erhentt, just cos there are millions of names, so why not pick one that isn’t top ten?

Why wouldn't it be a coincidence? If the name is in the top 10 I imagine lots and lots of people people love it too. I doubt OP loves it out of spite.
His parents and sister will be strangers to this child (as they are to OP), so I don't see why it matters.

If you love the name use it. Although, people might gossip and jump to conclusions. You'll have to decide if it's worth it OP.

I wouldn't want my child's name to be associated with a familial toxic situation.

And yes, I suspect his enthusiasm is extremely unhealthy, and that itself would put me off.

Just pick another name. It was a bit thoughtless to seriously suggest this one, I think. Presumably the circumstances leading to the estrangement were painful to your husband, so why dredge it up by suggesting this name? It rubs the situation in his face thst he no longer has a sister around, no matter how he responds- defensively of you both in this case. Maybe ask on here for ideas in the same vein.