Am I having a midlife crisis?!

[ElectroRite]

No idea where to post this so posting here for traffic. Well done if you get through it! This is going to be long and waffly, but I honestly feel like I’m going mad and desperately need to put this down in words and hopefully get some outside perspectives.

I wake up every morning feeling incredible and overwhelming dread and sadness. I burst into tears at least twice a day. I feel completely trapped and overwhelmed, and like I’m living the wrong life. I just have no interest in my job at all and little physical or mental energy. What I can’t work out is whether I need to soldier on trying to address the various issues constructively and just wait to feel a bit better, or whether I need to make drastic changes NOW.

So as not to drip feed, this is what’s happening / what’s possibly contributing to how I feel:

I started a new and demanding managerial role in child protection in
2021. This happened at the exact same time as one of my oldest and best friends died from cancer (I was with her when she died in a hospice on the eve of my first day at work). Despite this, I didn’t take any time off other than a day for the funeral and I coped really well at work for about 18 months, was quickly very well thought of and led my team through a gruelling inspection successfully etc.

Realised I was starting to feel really done in with stress last summer and was completely burnt out around Autumn 2022, so handed in my notice. Finished at Christmas and started a new advisory role 4 weeks ago, so had 10 days off in between jobs (when I pretty much collapsed with exhaustion for the Xmas period).

On paper the new job should be less stressful as it’s not frontline, but it’s fucking killing me! A lot of driving to clients, constantly have to be ‘on’ giving presentations, training, advice etc. Pushy manager with poor boundaries (messages out of hours, changes schedule at short notice etc). I don’t want to do this every day! I just don’t! And to top it all of, I just don’t know if I even want to work in child protection anymore, even from this advisory angle. It’s bringing up a lot of trauma issues from my own life, which is weird because I’ve done this work for 15 years and never had any issues before.

I’m also definitely Peri menopausal . Mid forties and have very recently started HRT but it hasn’t ‘kicked in’ yet. And I have what must be stress -related high blood pressure, so generally feeling really shit.

Im honestly trying to be proactive to address how I feel, and have been for 6 months +.

I’m teetotal
I do yoga
I meditate twice a day.
I do a daily gratitude list.
I try to see friends and force myself to be social and do fun things.
I had counselling last year for the grief over my friend, but it honestly made me feel worse so I stopped after a couple of months.
I’ve just started taking antidepressants. I was on them for years for severe PMT, so I know they can help a lot which is why I’m giving them another go, but deep down I know that medication is not going to solve this on its own.

I’m just at a loss as to what to do to snap out of this. I don’t know if it’s depression, perimenopause, or just time to do something different with my life. I feel completely incapable of decision making at the moment.

Has anyone been through this? Is this what a midlife crisis is? What the hell should I do? I feel so sorry for my DH and kids, as they must be sick of my miserable face!

Personally I think you need to talk it through with a qualified therapist. It needs to be a good, skilled person - could you find a recommendation?
I honestly think finding the right therapist is like finding treasure.

I know you said you'd had counselling and it didn't go well, but try someone else. Talking through our worries and having that time to explore thoughts and memories can make a huge difference to your whole life.

Wtf?

So sorry you are feeling this way op it sounds very difficult. I'm not peri yet but I know it can hugely impact your emotions and this coupled with what sou ds like depression no wonder you are struggling. Would it be financially viable to get signed off for a while as it sounds like you really need it.

Sorry to hear this @ElectroRite .
It sounds like the perfect storm of burnout, stress, meno and life!

if you’ve just started HRT it might be this very sudden change is down to that - I was devastated when I first started taking HRT as I just cried all the time! As I tweaked my dose things improved massively.
I also had severe PMT/PMDD and we do seem to be more at the mercy of hormonal changes.

Your new job and boss sounds very stressful and on top of burnout, it’s going to take its toll.

Is taking a career break on option?
In the meantime, can you set boundaries with your boss - do not disturb on phone, or replying that you only respond to work queries in working hours. Or even having a work number?

CFs like this will push you to the limit and then express surprise when you crack.
Is there an HR policy on contact out of hours that you can cite?

You sound like you are great at taking care of your physical health but maybe you need a little more support on the emotional side.

You sound exhausted and burnt out (anyone would be going through all that). Could you take a couple of months off work to just rest and let your brain catch up with everything, is that an option? Sending huge hugs x

Sounds like a number of factors affecting you at once, really hard. I changed from children’s social work at midlife to a completely different field and I’ve never been happier. I started in CP but my most recent role was in connected persons assessment. I felt burnt out and leaving was a gift to myself and my family. I was lucky enough to be able to take a huge pay cut though. I haven’t looked back. If you have already got the lifestyle changes in place and still feeling awful maybe bigger changes are needed. The hrt and antidepressants need time to work and it’s normal with both meds to feel worse before better . Good luck whatever you do.

I’m also definitely Peri menopausal

If you can and haven't, see a private menopause specialist clinic, not the GP, so you can hit the sweet spot with your HRT, including testosterone. Life changing. There's nothing wrong with you, it is all real, it's astounding the effect that peri can have upon your mental and emotional wellbeing.

You're not having a mid life crisis at all, I promise.

My sympathies OP. You have just listed the symptoms of depression, grief and peri menopause. It may be one, two or all three of these. Get yourself to the doctor.

I can recognise a lot of what you say from my own experience. I understand what you mean about grief counselling not being helpful. However, understanding what is going on from a conversation with a doctor and being able to name it can be helpful.

Good luck OP.

Sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. I think lots of things are going on here with a huge one being compassion fatigue. You have probably given a lot of yourself helping others (in some form through work) and with family. Something has to give and it’s usually the mind. Along with the peri-menopause it’s hardly surprising you feel the way you do.
I had a very stressful job in my twenties and thirties dealing with very vulnerable people. Looking back I don’t know how I did it, I certainly couldn’t do it now in my fifties.
As you know, anti-ds can be very effective but they do take a couple of months to kick in. Same with HRT. You will feel better soon but in the meantime I would seek out some talking therapy. Compassion fatigue and secondary trauma are very real and they need addressing x

I don't think you are having a mid life crisis. I think you are totally broken from exhaustion and stress, and understandably so. What is your financial situation like? (If you don't mind me asking). Are you able to take a lesser paying and less stressful job?

Thanks all. Just reading and digesting replies in between work. Will come back later 🙏

Just getting some time to reply to you all. Thank you for taking the time to read my long whinge. I’m really touched by the replies and advice.

@Annabananna1 I think you’re probably right about therapy, but I’ve had such crap experiences previously I feel quite disheartened to be honest. You had therapy years ago for PND which made me feel worse. Then saw two different therapist in the following years when I had some difficult life situations and absolutely hated it. The bereavement counsellor I saw was lovely, but I felt like talking about my grief just shook me so badly and I I was trying to keep it together for work at that point. I’ve been Googling therapists again this evening, though. Trying to be constructive!

To those suggesting a career break, this is something I’m contemplating now. I just feel really sad that I’m so burnt out, though, just as I’m getting to the top of my field. This is my ‘second career’. I career changed from something entirely different at 30 when I had young DC and and am now 45, and I’m worried I’m just a flake who will never have the stamina to do anything to a high level. I know that sounds very doom
and gloom!

I also can’t take paid sick leave longer than a week or ask for time out in this role. I’ve been there four weeks and am on 6 month probation.

@Blueberrypeapod

conpassion fatigue. Yes! Absolutely. And demand fatigue. I’m always the go to person to make everything alright for everyone - the manager, the advisor, the saviour - and I can’t even think straight anymore…

Excuse glaring typos

What

Can you afford to leave your job and take a few months off.

First up against the wall in the revolution.

🔫🔫🔫

This sounds miserable for you.

To remove the immediate intrusion into your life from your manager, could you speak to HR to let them know you will not be available outside working hours and cannot operate with unnecessary and short notice schedule changes so that they can communicate this to the manager? The manager sounds like they’re not coping or up to the role and is trying to push things on to you to get them done.

You do sound as if you have been carrying the can for everyone unfairly and understandably have reached the end of your capacity. Maybe it is time for a radical change?

First up against the wall in the revolution.

You're dealing with a hell of a lot. Compassion fatigue is real - don't underestimate it. I was on my knees with it in my old job, which also involved some child protection, and I ended up totally burned out. I changed jobs to something non patient facing (I'm NHS) and I'm about a thousand times more at peace now

I think it's a great idea to contact a therapist. Therapy was life changing for me. The process involved feeling things that are often very painful and that maybe you have tried to avoid feeling, so you can end up feeling 'worse' before you feel 'better' if you see what I mean!

Unfortunately it’s a small consultancy. The manager IS HR! They’re actually a nice person, but the business is their life and they expect everyone else to have the same absolute passion and energy they have. And everyone else does!

I didn’t know the culture of the organisation before I joined or I might have thought twice about the role. I just thought ‘escape from high pressure, under resourced public sector - must take it!’ 😂

And please ignore trite shite about turning frowns upside down 🙄 you're not 'frowning', you're clearly really struggling and it's not surprising why

Technically we could just about afford for me to take a few months off work. But I’m worried about what the he’ll I’ll do after that? Will I just go back into child protection work and be back to square one? Will I have a shitty gap on my CV that will be undesirable to employers (especially in my sector where you have to explain every gap in your CV really rigorously for safeguarding reasons)?

As you can see I’m second guessing and worrying excessively over everything, big and small, which isn’t a good sign!