Am I having a midlife crisis?!

[ElectroRite]

No idea where to post this so posting here for traffic. Well done if you get through it! This is going to be long and waffly, but I honestly feel like I’m going mad and desperately need to put this down in words and hopefully get some outside perspectives.

I wake up every morning feeling incredible and overwhelming dread and sadness. I burst into tears at least twice a day. I feel completely trapped and overwhelmed, and like I’m living the wrong life. I just have no interest in my job at all and little physical or mental energy. What I can’t work out is whether I need to soldier on trying to address the various issues constructively and just wait to feel a bit better, or whether I need to make drastic changes NOW.

So as not to drip feed, this is what’s happening / what’s possibly contributing to how I feel:

I started a new and demanding managerial role in child protection in
2021. This happened at the exact same time as one of my oldest and best friends died from cancer (I was with her when she died in a hospice on the eve of my first day at work). Despite this, I didn’t take any time off other than a day for the funeral and I coped really well at work for about 18 months, was quickly very well thought of and led my team through a gruelling inspection successfully etc.

Realised I was starting to feel really done in with stress last summer and was completely burnt out around Autumn 2022, so handed in my notice. Finished at Christmas and started a new advisory role 4 weeks ago, so had 10 days off in between jobs (when I pretty much collapsed with exhaustion for the Xmas period).

On paper the new job should be less stressful as it’s not frontline, but it’s fucking killing me! A lot of driving to clients, constantly have to be ‘on’ giving presentations, training, advice etc. Pushy manager with poor boundaries (messages out of hours, changes schedule at short notice etc). I don’t want to do this every day! I just don’t! And to top it all of, I just don’t know if I even want to work in child protection anymore, even from this advisory angle. It’s bringing up a lot of trauma issues from my own life, which is weird because I’ve done this work for 15 years and never had any issues before.

I’m also definitely Peri menopausal . Mid forties and have very recently started HRT but it hasn’t ‘kicked in’ yet. And I have what must be stress -related high blood pressure, so generally feeling really shit.

Im honestly trying to be proactive to address how I feel, and have been for 6 months +.

I’m teetotal
I do yoga
I meditate twice a day.
I do a daily gratitude list.
I try to see friends and force myself to be social and do fun things.
I had counselling last year for the grief over my friend, but it honestly made me feel worse so I stopped after a couple of months.
I’ve just started taking antidepressants. I was on them for years for severe PMT, so I know they can help a lot which is why I’m giving them another go, but deep down I know that medication is not going to solve this on its own.

I’m just at a loss as to what to do to snap out of this. I don’t know if it’s depression, perimenopause, or just time to do something different with my life. I feel completely incapable of decision making at the moment.

Has anyone been through this? Is this what a midlife crisis is? What the hell should I do? I feel so sorry for my DH and kids, as they must be sick of my miserable face!

I politely ignored that. I think I’m a bit past the point where feel good Insta quotes and ‘you go girl’ shite is going to help 😆

I honestly think that once your anti-depressants and HRT kick in (usually 3 months to both get going properly) you'll be able to view this in a whole new frame of mind.

I'm saying that as I thought I was having a nervous breakdown in Summer 2020, similar to you I have a managerial community support role and some big family upheavals plus the constant usual life stresses - suddenly I was waking up like you, with dread, crying randomly, feeling totally overwhelmed and overthinking my whole life, no motivation and everything seemed pointless.

I'm 18 months on now with the HRT and sertraline and honestly feel like everything is back to normal. Presentations, deadlines, rushing about, being organised has all come back to me. Thank. The. Lord. I thought I'd lost it. It was just bloody awful perimenopause hormones. I was 46

Good luck

Oh God, I hope this is me! I really do. I’d give anything to wake up feeling energised and happy and on top of my shit. I feel too old to be having an existential crisis 😆

I'm almost certain you'll be right as rain as soon as the meds kick in.

I thought I was losing the plot that summer and when I think about it I'd been up and down emotionally for about a year before that too. Apparently many women give up their careers at this point.

My career is now flying again and I'm full of ideas and things are really developing and moving in a great direction.

If you are going through the same:
I was literally crying down the phone to a work councillor in Aug '20 going through the minutae of my life, started the sertaline in Sept '20, the HRT in Feb '21. I felt stronger by Dec '20 and was back up to feeling fully mentally functional again by April '21.

I have to say though the perimenopause has taken its toll on my joints. I get stiff ankles, knees and shoulders but I can cope with all that if my mind is happy and productive!

@trythisforsize

How did you get through the period before the meds kicked in? I feel like I’m not coping at all currently and it’s worrying feeling like this when I’ve just started a new role, need to impress and can’t be totally honest with my new boss.

To be honest it was hard, I cried a lot and the morning anxiety was crippling. Luckily I have a role where I can support my staff from home to some extent so I could stay low key and do all the essentials, just gear myself up a couple of times a week to go out into the big wide world. I blagged it basically but I was a mess. I looked a mess, I felt a mess, my house was a mess, the work piling up was a mess.
Just stick with it and don't take on any extra than you can do, do a few things well. I let my social life drop a bit but I just couldn't face any extra 'stuff' - seeing all my friends much more now.
I opted out of family dramas and watched quite a lot of telly! I did become a bit of a couch potato which I've never been in my life but I was seriously stuck in a rut. Blankets and biscuits were my friends. I put on 2 stone! Lost half of it now though as more active, sorted the house, running around again for work. I hope I never feel like that again it was totally debilitating.

Just hang in there and alter things to make your life as smooth as possible.
When you get your energy back you can get on with everything and sort it all out.

Oh and as I said - I did make use of the anonymous work counselling offer so I talked to a stranger about everything on my mind. She was lovely and it was very cathartic to have a kind soul telling you it's ok and helping you feel stronger.

Poor Delilah

Morning all. Just wanted to give a mini positive (ish) update.

I came clean with my new boss about how awful I’ve been feeling and have been given 4 weeks off. Won’t be on full pay, but they were pretty understanding.

Have also decided to go back on my antidepressants and started yesterday.

Feeling immense relief that I’ll have some time to rest my poor frazzled mind!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your messages and advice. I think writing it all down and hearing back from you made me see how bad things have got, that I’m not just being weak or dramatic, and that I really do need a break ❤️

Great update OP. Four weeks to focus on yourself and what you need. Best of luck x

I felt like I was reading your post about myself 🤯

I lost my Mum a year ago, never took time off, still haven't really addressed it. My job is stressful, demanding and work long hours. I'm on HRT but don't think they have the balance right. I spend most of the day thinking about how I dont like my current life and like a big grey cloud over me that I know I need to change. My DH and family are amazing there's no issues there. The issue is me.

I dont think I'm depressed, I feel like I have far too many good and happy times. But I often feel drowned with everything that's going on. For me, if I removed work from the equation I think it would change my life...... x

I would say this state can all be explained by being peri menopausal. I found my ability to just cope with things nosedived. It was awful. I once cried for a whole day because my cat caught a mouse and killed it. I have spent my whole life removing dead mice, with no worries at all.

I was watching a TED talk the other day that said the menopause can actually change your brain. They showed two brain imaging pictures side by side and showed that before peri/menopause the neural connections showed up more brightly indicating more neural activity. It decreased at menopause.

I have also read that if you have ever suffered from PMT, Post natal depression you are more likely to suffer menopausal depression.

I second all the advice here ref HRT, diet, exercise. I never managed to find the magic bullet even though I did take HRT and antidepressants. I had to let time take its course, and even though I’m through it now, I am a different person.

My suggestion would to get yourself some really good, up to date books on the menopause and learn as much as you can about.

It could of course be burn out etc, only you know if the younger you would have normally coped or not.

Could be burnout due to all the factors you mentioned compassion fatigue too.
Hrt may really help but it can take a while. It isn't the wonder drug for everyone. My 1st lot made no diff, 2nd lot made me very very depressed and at times suicidal. I have now stopped all hrt but it's early days.
I would speak to a diff therapist. Does your work place offer this?

A month off will be great to let you decompress everything and make decisions with a more clear mind. I had been thinking (but never got round to it) to suggest you have an honest conversation with your boss. You may be surprised. I am so glad you have! All the best! <3