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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pull out of being a bridesmaid because I don’t have the confidence

31 replies

Worriedpal37 · 24/01/2023 09:22

Pal is getting married in September in a hot country. She’s asked me to be a bridesmaid. She asked last year, I was slimmer and more confident. No dress try ons yet but she has sent pics of ones she likes, they are in a really unforgiving material and light colour. The other 3 bridesmaids are slimmer than me.
I just don’t feel confident enough. I don’t know how to tell her, am I making it about me? In the same breath though I really don’t think I can stand by her wearing a dress that I feel huge in.

I have considered either telling her I just don’t feel confident about that dress and don’t think I will lose enough weight to look good in it, or just say I’m struggling with confidence and I don’t think I can be a bridesmaid because my self esteem just isn’t there.

YABU- tell her you’re not sure about the dress and can she get something different
YANBU- say you don’t currently have the confidence and want to relinquish your bridesmaid title

OP posts:
Overthebow · 24/01/2023 09:27

If you’re good enough friends that you’re a bridesmaid you’re good enough friends to tell her you don’t like the dress and why. Just talk to her about it, if one of my bridesmaid had said this I would have found a different dress that everyone was happy with.

yousmellnice · 24/01/2023 09:30

I'd tell her and let her decide if she values the matchy dress look over your ability to be a bridesmaid

sunseaandme · 24/01/2023 09:31

I got married in 2021 and I had to go through about 5 different dresses before I found one all of my bridesmaids were happy with. I didn't mind as they told me up front after I picked a dress they didn't like it etc. I guess I would be annoyed if they had all agreed on the dresses and then later told me they didn't like it as then I'd be back to square one and have to return them etc. so depends on situation your end really! Realistically I would just have a conversation with the bride and if she doesn't do anything about it then it's fair enough you pull out of being a Bridesmaid x

Alexandernevermind · 24/01/2023 09:32

I think you need to talk to her. She won't want you to pull out because of the dress choice, and equally won't want you to be standing with her feeling dreadful. Don't let how you feel about your body run your life.

BumpySkull · 24/01/2023 09:43

Neither YABU nor YANBU. If you’re unhappy then you do something about it - I have so much faith in you. It won’t just be this wedding, you’ll start withdrawing from other things too and that’s rubbish. You shouldn’t have to stand up there feeling uncomfortable and you should have to miss out either. Talk to your friend and make a plan.

rainbowstardrops · 24/01/2023 10:01

Talk to your friend! Just tell her how you're feeling

purpleboy · 24/01/2023 10:17

Honesty always, if she is that good a friend then she will want make you feel confident.

AlwaysLuigi · 24/01/2023 10:29

I pulled out of being a bridesmaid quite a few years ago now, for the same reasons as you. I was so nervous about telling my friend and couldn’t get the words out for ages and was crying, in the end when I told her she was just pleased I wasn’t dying! 🤣 she was absolutely fine and said the most important thing was having me there enjoying myself rather than not. I hope your friend is as kind x

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 24/01/2023 10:34

If she is a good friend she wont want you to be uncomfortable. I'd explain your concerns and maybe offer some solutions rather than leave it all on her. For instance could you have a shawl or sleeves fitted? Or altered some other way? What would you feel comfortable in?

Stompythedinosaur · 24/01/2023 11:36

I mean, clearly you should talk to your friend about not liking the dress, but how much does it matter if you look slightly less good that you want to for one day?

FuckabethFuckor · 24/01/2023 11:41

She's asked you to be her bridesmaid because you're her friend and a special person to her, not because of how you might look in a dress.

I'm a fan of play-acting in these circumstances. If you don't feel confident in the dress — and I'd wait to actually try it on before you come to a firm conclusion — just act like a person who is confident in that dress. Fake it till you make it, effectively.

Tenuouslink · 24/01/2023 11:44

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Toddlerteaplease · 24/01/2023 11:44

It's not about you. She wants you there as a bridesmaid.

BubziOwl · 24/01/2023 11:46

I'd be mortified if I found out my friend was feeling this way about being my bridesmaid - I hate the pressure that's put on people with these things.

Any decent person will try and find their bridesmaid a different dress choice that they're comfortable with. And if you still need to pull out, any decent person will be okay with that.

Toddlerteaplease · 24/01/2023 11:46

Presumably because she walked you as a person. She may be happy to change the dress.

WoolyMammoth55 · 24/01/2023 11:46

When I got married I told my bridesmaids (I only had 2!) that they could choose their own dress, subject to running it by me - we discussed colours and the price I could afford to pay, and they chose what they liked.

I love them and wouldn't have wanted them to feel uncomfortable.

If you're so close that she asked you to be her bridesmaid then you're close enough to tell her how you feel, right? It's just a wedding, it doesn't have to be high drama!

SquishyGloopyBum · 24/01/2023 11:49

There's clearly a lot going on here op with you.

Gently- what's the reason for the change since you agreed? If depressed could you seek help? It's not always good to avoid things and your friend wants you as bridesmaid as you are clearly important to her.

What's the level of weight gain? You have time to address it if you feel able. I think you need to look inwards a bit here and figure out what's going on.

Be kind to yourself.

Renlea · 24/01/2023 12:15

Just talk to her, there might be a different option or a cover up that you can wear to make you feel a bit better. (Coming from someone who would also feel this way).

MoreTeaLessCoffee · 24/01/2023 12:23

I think your question is really sad OP. I have gained weight after a tough couple of years and I don't look how I want to look, but I find your response quite extreme - I would never pull out of something like this over it, it's not the be all and end all. I really think you should work on feeling happy in your skin. Try to find a way to make this work so that you can be a bridesmaid as pulling out is surely going to be another hit to your confidence and quite sad for your friend too. I imagine you will feel much better if you can find a way to do it. The first step is talking to your friend to see if you can find a different look that you find bearable but also maybe you need to seek counselling or even just some resources about building confidence and body positivity, honestly it sounds like no way to live.

yousmellnice · 24/01/2023 12:42

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If OP is feeling so anxious about it then yes it is about her

Original poster
Worriedpal37 · 24/01/2023 13:09

MoreTeaLessCoffee · 24/01/2023 12:23

I think your question is really sad OP. I have gained weight after a tough couple of years and I don't look how I want to look, but I find your response quite extreme - I would never pull out of something like this over it, it's not the be all and end all. I really think you should work on feeling happy in your skin. Try to find a way to make this work so that you can be a bridesmaid as pulling out is surely going to be another hit to your confidence and quite sad for your friend too. I imagine you will feel much better if you can find a way to do it. The first step is talking to your friend to see if you can find a different look that you find bearable but also maybe you need to seek counselling or even just some resources about building confidence and body positivity, honestly it sounds like no way to live.

It definitely is more multi layered than just a stone of extra weight. I am struggling with my mental health massively too. I guess my loss of confidence is partly caused by my weight gain (a stone). I have also put it on only on my stomach (post partum) so I look really out of shape. I have even been asked if I’m pregnant.
I am really low and anxious at the moment.

I find myself pulling away from my friend because of this.
I used to be a really confident person, but as many people will agree it’s not an easy thing to switch back on.

OP posts:
MaverickGooseGoose · 24/01/2023 13:29

Just tell her. My best mate had / has confidence issues and being a bridesmaid would have made her miserable. She was a witness and did a reading instead, in whatever she wanted to wear. I would have hated for her to be uncomfortable all day.

Tenuouslink · 24/01/2023 14:01

yousmellnice · 24/01/2023 12:42

If OP is feeling so anxious about it then yes it is about her

Show quote history

Then OP needs to get a grip

magratvonlipwig · 24/01/2023 14:23

Talk to her.. she wont want you to have a crap day, even tho its her day.
Also, look at your weight, is it as bad as you think or are you underconfident anyway. Can you lose some. Loads of weight loss groups on FB, loads of support.
Can you have the dress looser, consider a tummy shaper under it ?
But first, tell your friend how much this is worrying you.

Then, go have a fab time.
X

MoreTeaLessCoffee · 24/01/2023 15:00

@Worriedpal37 I really feel for you, having a baby changes your body (and life) so much. It sounds like it won't be as simple as losing a few pounds anyway. Don't pull away from friends though, that is the absolute worst thing you can do. I bet they have no idea you're struggling and they definitely won't be thinking about your weight and figure. Is there someone else going to the wedding you could talk it through with if going straight to the bride feels a bit much?

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