To be amazed by my mothers lack of support

[TheColourofspring]

My parents divorced and remarried when I was in my early teens and I am now nearly 50. My Dad died in October so I am feeling pretty all over the place still.

my mother hasn’t once asked how I am since he died- not once. When he died she didn’t contact us for nearly 10 days, didn’t ask my kids how they were & didn’t speak to my sister either.

Nothing at all- no support at all. Aibu to be actually amazed by it- even if they got divorced decades ago, you would think that she’d be concerned for her kids. I actually suspect she’s a bit of a narcissist so because this isn’t about her, she’s not interested.

But I am still amazed by her behaviour. It’s bizarre or AIBU?

These two sentences do not belong together: I actually suspect she’s a bit of a narcissist so because this isn’t about her, she’s not interested. &
But I am still amazed by her behaviour. It’s bizarre or AIBU?

If you really think she is a narcissist then YABU to be amazed by narcissistic behaviour.

But you can still be very disappointed and hurt. I'm sorry about your dad

she does sound narcisstic
sorry for your loss

Firstly, sorry for your loss.

Is it possible she was having difficulty processing the news herself? She had children with him and it may be that the news hit her hard and she didn't know how to handle it?

Sorry about your dad op.

yes it’s odd and upsetting and cold that she’s not checked in with you.

I expected them”she’s struggling to process it” argument. I think that’s rot. Because even if struggling, perhaps especially if she’s struggling, she can pick the phone up and talk to you.

My dad did this and I am extremely hurt

We adore our mum and her death was traumatic. She died 7 weeks ago.

we had a two word response: “my condolences”

We had to go through all the obvious arrangements etc alone, thank god my husband really did it all because my sister and I were too devastated to be able to organise anything: we could really have done with some help and advice and solace from a parent.

I will never ever see him again.

Sorry for you loss by the way. I’ve been grief journaling and it’s been really jelpful
if you’re feeling a bit stuck ❤️

@SlaveToTheVibe grief journaling sounds interesting- i feel like I can’t even speak about it at the moment!

I don’t think my mother is struggling to process it at all- she didn’t even answer her phone on the day he died as she was out on a day trip! I think it’s narcissism

@SlaveToTheVibe and sorry you have had a similar experience too 💐

i guess she is dealing with it her way
and perhaps feels too raw to share @TheColourofspring

@Coffeecreme hmm, it’s not really about her. My sister and I have lost our dad- she hasn’t seen him in 25 years!

Exactly! It’s not about the other parent!

I've sat here and tried to think how I may feel if my ex dh died. I'm not going to lie op I wouldn't shed a tear that's for sure. But I'd definitely want to support my children through their grief. I'm sorry you're going through this op x

@TheColourofspring

i know. I’m am strangely fine these last couple of days but I was so sick of being miserable and crying and unable to function, that I resorted to Prozac. It can’t possibly have kicked in yet as it’s been only three days.

that and grief journaling and as much sleep as I can get has all helped keep me balanced. I hope you have other relatives you can rely on for support. It’s such a rough time. ❤️

does she never say how re you?

why dont you raise it with her?

OP, this happened to me last year in almost identical circumstances.
Don't get me wrong,both my parents are/were as bad as each other. My little cat also died, a month after my dad dying,her response, oh well you have two other cats! When I have been ill, and this is fairly rare, but I slipped a disc and was unable to move, she came around to our house asking me to do some silly little paperwork jobs. However, my OH happily told her to clear off if she wasnt coming to see how i was. I have now accepted that i grew up surrounded by narcissistic people. Terribly sad though that our parents are such selfish individuals. So sorry for your loss.

I read this as you are amazed by how little support your mother is getting. Having read this in full I am now amazed by how little support your mother is getting.

@Nimbostratus100 eh?

She might have hated the guy, is happy he is dead and is not engaging not to upset you&your sister.

Are you sure you’ve read the OP, because your post makes no sense at all?

OP, I’m sorry for the loss of your Dad and also sorry and shocked by the lack of support from your Mum. Disgraceful.

@Nimbostratus100 wow that’s a really horrible post.

So sorry for your loss OP sadly your mums lack of support doesn’t surprise me one bit, my mum is similar. I once told her a very close relative had been dx with breast cancer, her first words to me were, so what are you saying then is I should go for a mammogram, err no that’s not what I meant at all. I am NC with my mum and have been for many years.

On the surface, it's pretty horrible she hasn't done anything to help and support you.

What's she normally like? If she's normally a loving, kind mother, the she's obviously struggling herself. If this is just what she's like them yes, she sounds pretty cold to be honest

@Nimbostratus100 you do realise the ops mum and dad are divorced ? The ops mum hasn't lost her husband.

The woman hadn’t seen her ex in 25 years! No, she absolutely SHOULDN’T be on anyone’s radar, let alone a priority for the people who are genuinely grieving, his children!

As a parent, she should ABSOLUTELY show concern for the loss her children are experiencing.

OP, I’m sorry. You deserve better.