To be amazed by my mothers lack of support

[TheColourofspring]

My parents divorced and remarried when I was in my early teens and I am now nearly 50. My Dad died in October so I am feeling pretty all over the place still.

my mother hasn’t once asked how I am since he died- not once. When he died she didn’t contact us for nearly 10 days, didn’t ask my kids how they were & didn’t speak to my sister either.

Nothing at all- no support at all. Aibu to be actually amazed by it- even if they got divorced decades ago, you would think that she’d be concerned for her kids. I actually suspect she’s a bit of a narcissist so because this isn’t about her, she’s not interested.

But I am still amazed by her behaviour. It’s bizarre or AIBU?

@Comedycook yes since I was 12 and i am now 49

well, sorry if it came across that way. Im going to hide this thread now cos I really cant see where you are coming from at all

what a load of crap. My sister and I are devastated and we’ve still been able to look after our own children’s needs as well as checking on frequently on my mums siblings and on each other.

Are you OP's Mum?

I'm sorry OP. Is she like this in other ways?

@ChubbyMorticia thanks for getting where I am coming from!

My mum did the same. I am also 50+ and my dad died this year. My mum divorced him years ago she never once asked how I was. Still hasn't

Underneath she is so bitter about him and she was always hurt that I had a good relationship with him (although she would never admit that ).

I just accept that she is flawed and blinkered

@maddy68 sorry you have experienced it too- it’s horrible. I am lucky I have supportive friends

@GoChasingWaterfalls yes unfortunately and it’s got worse as she’s got older

I was in a similar situation, parents divorced when I was 14, my dad died when I was 49.
I don’t think my mum mentioned his death to me but to be honest I can understand why. He made our life really difficult when he left for the OW and she barely saw him for the next 35 years.
There must have been a reason they split up especially years ago when it was more unusual. She was also late 70’s at the time and had numerous health problems.

I got my support from DH and friends, so I hope you have other people in your life to be with you.

My father did this with me. They’d been divorced for 40 years. And he didn’t once ask how I was when I had breast cancer. I only see him once a year.

If my ex-H died I honestly wouldn’t give a shit. I wouldn’t shed a tear. I therefore don’t think your DM is grieving or trying to process things.

I would, however, support my DS who would be devastated. Most parents would be the same. In that respect, your DM’s behaviour is certainly odd.

For me it isn’t odd as I would not expect it from my mother. My dad died when I was a child and offered no emotional support, quite the opposite at times. I am surprised at a woman of about my age looking for that from their mum actually, not that I’m unsympathetic at all to you. It’s created quite a lot of turmoil inside me and I couldn’t imagine behaving like that towards my dd. But I have a very different relationship with her. I think you need to find a way to process your mum is like this and move on. Therapy helped me a lot, idk if it could help you process too. 💐

My adult children's father & I divorced 25 years ago. Since then we have never spoken about him, not me to them or them to me. I never think of him, don't want to think of him, do not want to know if he is alive or dead. If they told me he had died I could not say anything comforting to them I'm afraid.

I think IO it sounds like you're disappointed but perhaps shouldn't be surprised by your mum's behaviour.

You've alluded to her being like this in other aspects of her life so I guess it's sad but it's sort of expected with people like this.

The problem is if you mention it, she'll make it about her somehow and end up creating some sort of drama, tears etc so sounds like you're in a difficult situation. The one thing to take from this is at least you've seen her true colours.

My DHs father died last year. He had an affair and left my MIL when the kids (My DH and DSIL) were little. She has been supportive to both in the lead up and since the death because her priorities are children and their emotional needs. I could totally imagine however, based on previous experience, my mum doing this (she and my dad separated 20+ years ago) or could also imagine her going the other way and making it all about her so I totally understand where you are coming from and how disappointing it is when you get that response from a parent. Know it isn't about you, put in the boundaries you need with her to keep yourself safe, when ready access some talking therapy to process not just the loss but your relationship with your mum and draw support from safe and healthy people.

Would you at least advise them on how to sort out paperwork, probate, a funeral. Ask if their kids were ok or give them any sort of practical help?

Would you ask if they were eating ok or hug them? Nothing????

Honestly, it’s a perfectly reasonable perspective.

I'm sorry for your loss. My dad died seven years ago, not once has my mum enquired how I am. It's all been about her and sorry to say as the years go by it's get worse.

Take care.