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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to let words affect me so much

33 replies

JusticeB · 23/01/2023 15:30

Hey everyone is this normal? Am I being too sensitive.

I had come in from a nice day out with a couple of girlfriends and I sat down next to my husband for a quick cuddle, he was listening to something educational so I just kind of “stroked /touched” him but he didn’t acknowledge/look at me he was very cold instead and he said to me
“I’m not going to drop everything for you am I?”
I wasn’t expecting him to I just wanted to show him I missed him while I was out.
It has triggered me and I haven’t been myself since last night with not wanting to work so daily house tasks etc.

How do I stop his words from hurting me so much? I’m desperate to know for myself so I can let sooner rather than let it linger

OP posts:
PaddyDingDong · 23/01/2023 15:31

Well he sounds like a dick. Talk to him, tell him how he's making you feel.

housemaus · 23/01/2023 15:38

It's kind of both. He sounds like a dick (that is an unnecessarily mean thing to say) and you're being oversensitive.

Did he say this in response to you asking why he didn't respond? Only as it sounds like the response to a question - so I wonder if you asked in a way that got his back up, hence the weirdly mean reply?

Even so, it suggests he's not very nice.

And maybe that's why you're being sensitive about it - it's a pattern?

If so, then not being yourself for a day afterwards is a sign this isn't a very healthy relationship if small (albeit not very nice) interactions are shutting you down this much. If that's not the case and this is a complete one off, then he was being a bit mean and you need to work on your resilience a bit.

jays · 23/01/2023 15:38

That was a cold and unkind thing to say! You shouldn’t have to change your behaviour so that you can suck it up when someone treats you badly. He needs to change his behaviour. You’re not oversensitive, what he said was unkind. He’s probably trying to make you pay/feel bad for being out.

StephanieSuperpowers · 23/01/2023 15:42

It really depends. If he was trying to do something (something educational, you say, so he may have needed to concentrate fully) and you were pawing him repeatedly until he snapped, well, maybe reading the room could help?

It shouldn't affect you this much though, he was a bit of a dick about it but we all snap sometimes.

RayaRyder · 23/01/2023 15:44

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MichelleScarn · 23/01/2023 15:45

Where did you 'stroke and touch' him?

I wouldn't like this, but I know everyone's different. A quick peck on cheek or hug is fine but if you sat next to me, and started to be all feathery- strokery I would get the ick and be highly annoyed as that would indicate like a pet or young child you would be meaning 'give me attention, give me attention, give me ATTENTION NOW!!'
N.B I am a grumpy hormonal fucker at the moment though! 😆

SleeplessInEngland · 23/01/2023 15:46

Unless there's more to this he's being a bit odd, but you're also being too sensitive to have let it 'triggered' you for 24 hours.

stepkidscopingstrategy · 23/01/2023 15:50

I would have felt this too.
Rejection in any form can be hard.
Was he a bit pissed off you'd gone out? Any jealous issues?
I had an ex who was like this. Made me think it was me being demanding. He used to like to punish me like this.
And yes - It was a horrible remark. X

Original poster
JusticeB · 23/01/2023 16:01

housemaus · 23/01/2023 15:38

It's kind of both. He sounds like a dick (that is an unnecessarily mean thing to say) and you're being oversensitive.

Did he say this in response to you asking why he didn't respond? Only as it sounds like the response to a question - so I wonder if you asked in a way that got his back up, hence the weirdly mean reply?

Even so, it suggests he's not very nice.

And maybe that's why you're being sensitive about it - it's a pattern?

If so, then not being yourself for a day afterwards is a sign this isn't a very healthy relationship if small (albeit not very nice) interactions are shutting you down this much. If that's not the case and this is a complete one off, then he was being a bit mean and you need to work on your resilience a bit.

Yes I did ask him and realise I should have walked away when he wasn't responding but it was only for a few seconds on the shoulder, we have spoken about showing more attention/affection to one another so I genuinely didn't think it would be a problem.
There is a pattern with his mean words so I am trying to be a bit more resilient but I don't know how much I should put up with.

I do annoy him sometimes but I never say anything mean about him personally.

OP posts:
orangegato · 23/01/2023 16:02

Sometimes I’m snappy and mean when someone gets in my grill when I’m doing something, not personal and I’m otherwise lovey. I always apologise.

Original poster
JusticeB · 23/01/2023 16:05

stepkidscopingstrategy · 23/01/2023 15:50

I would have felt this too.
Rejection in any form can be hard.
Was he a bit pissed off you'd gone out? Any jealous issues?
I had an ex who was like this. Made me think it was me being demanding. He used to like to punish me like this.
And yes - It was a horrible remark. X

He might of been, there have been jealousy and trust issues, he does make comments sometimes about "who I'm really going to see"

OP posts:
Chikapu · 23/01/2023 16:06

JusticeB · 23/01/2023 16:01

Yes I did ask him and realise I should have walked away when he wasn't responding but it was only for a few seconds on the shoulder, we have spoken about showing more attention/affection to one another so I genuinely didn't think it would be a problem.
There is a pattern with his mean words so I am trying to be a bit more resilient but I don't know how much I should put up with.

I do annoy him sometimes but I never say anything mean about him personally.

Show quote history

There is a pattern with his mean words so I am trying to be a bit more resilient but I don't know how much I should put up with

If someone is consistently mean with their words then it will start to wear you down, you don't have to put up with any amount of it. It isn't a question of you working on your resilience, it's a question of him working on himself and how he communicates with you.
That's if you can be bothered to stay with him while he works it out. Personally I wouldn't bother.

Spanielsarepainless · 23/01/2023 16:07

I hate being touched like that when I am engrossed in something else. You are being oversensitive, husband snappish but understandably.

IhearyouClemFandango · 23/01/2023 16:07

MichelleScarn · 23/01/2023 15:45

Where did you 'stroke and touch' him?

I wouldn't like this, but I know everyone's different. A quick peck on cheek or hug is fine but if you sat next to me, and started to be all feathery- strokery I would get the ick and be highly annoyed as that would indicate like a pet or young child you would be meaning 'give me attention, give me attention, give me ATTENTION NOW!!'
N.B I am a grumpy hormonal fucker at the moment though! 😆

This.

Original poster
JusticeB · 23/01/2023 16:10

MichelleScarn · 23/01/2023 15:45

Where did you 'stroke and touch' him?

I wouldn't like this, but I know everyone's different. A quick peck on cheek or hug is fine but if you sat next to me, and started to be all feathery- strokery I would get the ick and be highly annoyed as that would indicate like a pet or young child you would be meaning 'give me attention, give me attention, give me ATTENTION NOW!!'
N.B I am a grumpy hormonal fucker at the moment though! 😆

Just on the shoulder, Yh I understand it's not what everyone wants but he has mentioned he's like more of it, probably just need to work on getting the time and place right

OP posts:
Original poster
JusticeB · 23/01/2023 16:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I didn't demand anything, I was just acknowledging him through touch and he was being a little bit cold so I asked him what's the reason and that was his response.
People can be triggered by verbal abuse/silent treatment

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 23/01/2023 16:13

It's harsh yes, but you've irritated him and encroached in his personal space. If he's politely ignored you and you've continued and spoken or pulled 'needy' faces, I can see why he said that. He was probably thinking worse than that.
We're you hurt, or embarrassed because others were there?
YANBU to feel a little hurt at the time, you are going over sensitive to still be thinking about it now and posting on MN

JudgeRudy · 23/01/2023 16:18

jays · 23/01/2023 15:38

That was a cold and unkind thing to say! You shouldn’t have to change your behaviour so that you can suck it up when someone treats you badly. He needs to change his behaviour. You’re not oversensitive, what he said was unkind. He’s probably trying to make you pay/feel bad for being out.

Why on earth do you think he's making OP 'pay' for being out?! Could it just be he's been happily getting one with his own stuff and OP has misjudged how involved he is and doesn't want distracting

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/01/2023 16:19

I think a lot depends on how you stroked/touched him and if that’s a frequent thing.

One of my absolute pet hates is when people essentially demand my attention because they’re now free. One of my exes was like that - it felt really disrespectful because it felt like what I was doing was unimportant and irrelevant.

Foxywood · 23/01/2023 16:38

I would hate being touched let alone stroked when I'm concentrating on something interesting.
I don't think it would bother DH (if I stroked him) - he'd be oblivious I think.

jays · 23/01/2023 17:26

JudgeRudy · 23/01/2023 16:18

Why on earth do you think he's making OP 'pay' for being out?! Could it just be he's been happily getting one with his own stuff and OP has misjudged how involved he is and doesn't want distracting

Show quote history

I don’t think there’s any need for ‘why on earth’, tad melodramatic? He’s been off with her, it’s wasn’t nice, there’s no real reason for it so I speculated. I think it was a fair speculation. I can’t imagine anyone would want to be with a guy who spoke to them like that for no reason. There’s a reason. I’m guessing it was that. Hope that’s ok with you.

RayaRyder · 23/01/2023 17:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

jays · 23/01/2023 17:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

OP please don’t listen to this rubbish! You’ve done nothing wrong.

KettrickenSmiled · 23/01/2023 17:33

How do I stop his words from hurting me so much? I’m desperate to know for myself so I can let sooner rather than let it linger

Hold on.
Why is the onus on you to stop feeling hurt, instead of on HIM to not say hurtful things?

KettrickenSmiled · 23/01/2023 17:35

There is a pattern with his mean words so I am trying to be a bit more resilient but I don't know how much I should put up with.

There you go,

When someone is mean to you, it's not your job to find some way of sucking up their meanness.

It's your job to ask them to stop, & if they don't - remove yourself permanently from the source of meanness.