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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel betrayed by a work colleague

34 replies

NeverendingStory32 · 23/01/2023 10:08

I've been at my place of work in the public sector for over 10 years. I was called into senior management recently. Before getting the message to see them, I wasn't told why. Various things were discussed, some things I understand their reasoning (e.g. getting in a bit earlier). I agree with them, I do need to. However various other things were said to me that were quite picky, unfair and not my fault. The only way management would have been aware about these things would have been through a colleague. I think I know who but not 100% sure. Why could this person not have come to me directly? It feels like someone has gone behind my back to get me in trouble. As I said, I get the time thing but actually there's a bit more going on.

I've got all sorts of personal problems at the moment. I've not been well, the last few months have been particularly hard. One of my dcs was in hospital recently. We're also trying to adapt to neurodiversity diagnoses made recently in the family. There's more than one of us!

I've told someone in management about these things so they're aware. However if the colleague who has gone behind my back, had come to me first, I could have explained these things. Particularly as some of the things I was talked to about were minor. Now, I've basically had a telling off from the top and it's increased my stress levels. I feel uncomfortable at work now, like I'm being watched by others. Like I'm not good enough to be there. It's horrible. I'm now worrying that they'll get rid of me at some point if I'm not up to scratch. Everyone is nice to your face but there's obviously more going on beneath the surface.

AIBU to feel betrayed?

OP posts:
NeverendingStory32 · 23/01/2023 10:19

I meant to add that pretty much all my colleagues have known me for many years.

OP posts:
Renlea · 23/01/2023 10:24

Hard for us to know without knowing the context, but sometimes it's not as easy as that. Sometimes people feel too awkward approaching the person, but depending on what the issues are they might have been quite within their rights to do what they did. If those things are having an impact on other people especially.

fatsinglereadytomingle · 23/01/2023 10:27

What other things were brought up?
Why do you need to get in earlier? Are you getting in after your start time or is it an unwritten rule staff come in early?

If you've been made aware of several issues maybe your colleagues weren't comfortable approaching you directly.

honeylulu · 23/01/2023 10:30

It's been unpleasant for you and I can see on one level why you feel betrayed by a contemporary. But on these sort of threads started by a colleague (e.g. my fellow worker is not pulling their weight, what do I say to them? ) The advice is always that this is a management issue that needs referring up the chain and that seems to be what has happened.

ReamsOfCheese · 23/01/2023 10:35

Are you an oversharer? I am sometimes as well and it's horrible when you get bitten but maybe try to keep more things under your hat from now on? Obviously this friendship with colleague was one-sided and that's hard but now you know not to tell them anything.

NeverendingStory32 · 23/01/2023 10:47

It's hard to provide a context without giving details that might be outing. The colleague who I suspect it was, normally works in a different area but came into my area one day to cover somebody else. It just seems to be a coincidence that the meeting happened the day after this. This person is a colleague who I've known for many years. I won't say friends, they're just a colleague.

OP posts:
NeverendingStory32 · 23/01/2023 10:49

fatsinglereadytomingle · 23/01/2023 10:27

What other things were brought up?
Why do you need to get in earlier? Are you getting in after your start time or is it an unwritten rule staff come in early?

If you've been made aware of several issues maybe your colleagues weren't comfortable approaching you directly.

My job is public facing from 8.30. I might get in about 8.20/8.25 which I know is cutting it fine. 8-8.10 would be better

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 23/01/2023 10:49

So in just one shift enough stuff happened for colleague to have to go to management?

Renlea · 23/01/2023 10:50

Really depends on the context. Example:

You are not pulling your weight and you are leaving work to other people - YABU

You work your socks off and are really reliable, you responded to a text during work hours - YANBU

MichelleScarn · 23/01/2023 10:51

So open to public and needing to be ready to go from 830? What's your actual start time you get paid from? If not till 830 that's different to 800 and set up for 830.

luckylavender · 23/01/2023 10:51

I think you should stop focusing on who it may be as you are quite likely to be wrong. Focus instead on whether the feedback is justified and work at improving.

Londonlassy · 23/01/2023 10:52

luckylavender · 23/01/2023 10:51

I think you should stop focusing on who it may be as you are quite likely to be wrong. Focus instead on whether the feedback is justified and work at improving.

This

ChampagneCommunist · 23/01/2023 10:56

With respect, your family issues, diagnoses and similar are not your colleagues problems.

If your issues are impacting your ability to work and that them impacts your colleagues, that is their problem.

Sounds like this has been dealt with well by your management

Aprilx · 23/01/2023 10:59

I don’t think a colleague should have to speak to you about your performance / attendance / time keeping. They probably didn’t think it was their place to do so and may or may not have raised it with management, or perhaps management just noticed for themselves.

strawberry2017 · 23/01/2023 11:03

It's quite possible that if it is an issue that the management have noticed this themselves and has nothing to do with your colleague at all.

fatsinglereadytomingle · 23/01/2023 11:04

@NeverendingStory32 when do you get paid from? If it's 8.30 then you're time keeping is fine as long as you're actually ready to start at 0830. If they want you in at 0800 then they need to pay you from then.

The other issues need a bit more context to give you advice on. If it's things you recognise as being problems then you need to address them rather than being hung up on who spoke to management.

NeverendingStory32 · 23/01/2023 11:07

It's an education setting

OP posts:
Renlea · 23/01/2023 11:08

Was the feedback justified?

NeverendingStory32 · 23/01/2023 11:14

Like I said, the getting in earlier is justified. Since having children and with my own health problems, I've found this hard in more recent times. However, I never leave early. I always leave a good hour or more after after people go home in my area. And I use that time well and productively. In all honesty, I work better later in the day than earlier but I know that isn't helpful to the workplace. It's just my personality and circumstances.

OP posts:
Renlea · 23/01/2023 11:20

We can't help with advice unfortunately as you're not telling us anything at all to go off!

LosingMyPancakes · 23/01/2023 11:24

Why would management pull you up on personal problems unless they're noticeably affecting your performance at work?

MichelleScarn · 23/01/2023 11:29

I never leave early. I always leave a good hour or more after after people go home in my area.

But that depends on what your job is and what tasks you do.
If you're a receptionist and your job is to answer phones and deal face to face with the public, leaving colleagues to deal with this isn't fair, and staying on late when there's no calls or people coming in doesn't make up for that!

TakeYourFinalPosition · 23/01/2023 11:31

It just seems to be a coincidence that the meeting happened the day after this.

In the vast majority of places I’ve worked, that’d be far too fast for it to have been the colleague you suspect, if they’d only have known about it the day before.

Was it just your arrival time that they complained about?

Coffeeandchocs · 23/01/2023 11:36

OP, you’ve been asked and not answered what time time you’re paid to work from. If you’re paid to be there from 8-5 but are not customer facing until 08:30 you can’t take it upon yourself to decide that arriving at 08:20 is ok.
What are your agreed working hours?

StubbleAndSqueak · 23/01/2023 11:38

It may not be a colleague SLT may have noticed and been keeping an eye out
I hope they have been supportive but it would be wise to take everything on board
In retrospect you should have approached them when you knew you were struggling , easier said than done though

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