AIBU - DP’s physical contact and intention

[7whiteclouds]

Hi,

DP likes a lot of physical contact and affection; he says that’s how he feels close to me. I on the other hand, am not as physically affectionate, I like to show and receive affection in other ways I.E. doing thoughtful things for one another, spending quality time together etc. I do however try to give the physical affection that I know my DP appreciates as I appreciate we are all different.

However, as of late especially, almost all of the time that DP shows me physical affection, I know that his intention is for it to turn sexual and he intends for something sexual to result either straight away or later on when the kids are in bed etc.

Most of the time I am not comfortable with this. I feel like he only wants to show me affection to get sex. He denies this and says it’s because that’s how he feels the closest to me.

i openly tell him that I don’t “want to be touched like that” or I often pull away from kisses when they are getting more passionate. He can tell that I am quite stand off-ish at times, and I imagine feels quite rejected when i tell him that I don’t want to be touched or kissed etc (in the times that I know he’s trying to take things further).

Obviously there are times when his efforts are reciprocated and things do go further, but not as often as he’d like I imagine. Especially as our sex drives are very different and I have a very busy day to day life.

whenever I have tried to voice this to him, it causes huge issues and he doesn’t talk to me for days.

AIBU to voice to tell him that I don’t want to be touched/kissed “like that”?

(Fully aware it’s my body and I’m entitled to say no etc, there’s no issues around consent)

Re-align any physical touches he’s doing to something you prefer; he goes for your breasts, “oh, a shoulder rub would be lovely, I know how you like giving physical touch” and move so his hands are on your shoulders.

He goes for your bum, same, “oooh, yes, a foot massage is just what I want after a long day” sit on the kitchen counter and take your socks off.

If, actually, he doesn’t want to do that, he’s the one rejecting and this idea of him “loving touch” is just him being a run-of-the-mill-perv.

I feel like this is quite a difficult one because sometimes you like and reciprocate the affection, and sometimes you don't. Of course you can say no whenever you want, and he shouldn't sulk about it if you do, but is there anything wrong with him trying to initiate, as long as he respects your no?

Have you ever told him any clear boundaries e.g. "I don't like sex in the mornings," or "I don't want you to touch X body part when we're not in bed" or whatever works for you? Or would you like him to initiate in a different way? I think, provided you do still fancy him and want to have sex with him sometimes, this needs some frank communication.

He sounds like a bully to me.

Pestering you physically for sex and when you explain how that makes you feel, he gets angry and ignores you for days.

This IS a consent issue. He is trying to shut you down so you give in to his demands.

I think your relationship is ultimately doomed. A mis-match in sex drive coupled with a mis-match in how you want to show/receive affection is a big and fundamental problem for both of you.

I don't think either of you are wrong, I am surprised you have decided you're compatible enough to have children.

You both need to communicate very honestly and both be prepared to compromise if you want your relationship to work long term.

(Fully aware it’s my body and I’m entitled to say no etc, there’s no issues around consent)

There IS an issue about consent.
Because when you say "no" -
whenever I have tried to voice this to him, it causes huge issues and he doesn’t talk to me for days.

That is COERCION.
You should not have to live with being stonewalled for days. That is abusive behaviour.
You should not have to live with being pawed at either.
And you should not have to keep saying "no", when he repeatedly manhandles you in ways he ALREADY KNOWS YOU DISLIKE.

Stonewalling OP for days is hardly respecting her no is it?

Sorry, I missed that bit. No, of course it isn't.

He's coercing you into having sex, however you look at it.
There's one of two things you can do when he comes pawing at you.
You can bellow ' stop bloody petting me, I'm not the dog ' then go about your business, humming away cheerfully while he sulks. He will hate that because it's not having the effect he wants it to have on you.
Or you can bellow ' stop bloody petting me, I'm not the dog ' and shove him off, giving him something to sulk about, while going about your business, humming away cheerfully.
He'll get the message eventually.

Having been married to a man who behaved similarly, and I felt as you do, OP I hear you.

We aren’t married now.

Absolute bollocks. Unless there’s something wrong with him, it’s really not hard to tell by someone’s body language when they don’t want their tits and arse being grabbed at and groped. Just because it’s ‘reciprocated sometimes’ doesn’t mean he can pester the op for sex whenever he likes just on the off chance she might say yes. It must be pretty clear to him by now that the op does not want it as often as him, constantly pushing for it when she doesn’t want it is sexual harassment. If it’s not immediately clear whether she’s up for it or not, it’s not hard for him to use his big boy voice and just ask ‘do you feel like having sex now/later’?

He basically doesn’t care about your boundaries or if you say no- he thinks he’s entitled to your body. It is a consent issue and a huge red flag

Nice easy video for him to watch to understand consent and how it works as he clearly isn’t getting it. Consent

This sounds like an issue that would be good to work through with a counsellor or therapist as you likely need a third party who can help navigate it.

You have very different ways of feeling close, experiencing intimacy, expressing and receiving love, and bonding and finding common ground that feels safe for both parties and gets needs met isn't easy. I would see a professional before the rejection and resentment grows on both sides.

Whiteclouds - do NOT enter counselling or therapy with him.

Experts recommend that when one of the couple is abusive, therapy should not be undertaken together.

And the stonewalling alone is abusive. Let alone the groping & inability to hear your "no".

If you want therapy, please do your utmost to access it, but go solo.

DP likes a lot of physical contact and affection; he says that’s how he feels close to me. I on the other hand, am not as physically affectionate, I like to show and receive affection in other ways I.E. doing thoughtful things for one another, spending quality time together etc. I do however try to give the physical affection that I know my DP appreciates as I appreciate we are all different

So you try and show physical affection because its what he appreciates. Does he do the things that you need to make you feel loved? Does he do thoughtful things and spend quality time with you?

Please get rid of him, he does not respect your boundaries. I had a ex like this and he assaulted me in the end .

Don’t be an idiot. Men who hate women rape, beat and murder us. If women hating men equates to calling out their bad behaviour on mumsnet, I think they can still sleep soundly at night.

Ah a name change.

As I said, I suggest professional help. Going through life with hatred for 50% of the population isn't healthy for anyone.

Oh wait, I remember you from another thread where you said women shouldn’t go after maintenance because the man’s circumstances might be difficult, but in the next sentence said “women should pay for their own bloody kids”.

Nope, a different poster who also disagrees with your misogyny.

Clearly you don't understand mysogyny either. Spouting words you dont understand is pretty pointless.

Urgh, nothing is more of a turn off than the expectation of sex. Espeically when not keenly reciprocated.

That said, it can't be nice to try be affectionate with your partner and always get rejected. Did you used to be more affectionate? Is this something new? Is it the affection that puts you off or the expectation it will lead to more?

I think you should talk to your DH and tell him how you feel. Maybe if he could understand that you would be more likely to be affectionate if you knew it wouldn't mean the expectation of more you could both reset.

Sweetie, when you think women need to “pay for their own bloody kids” but men don’t, you’re a misogynist.
Happy to help 👍

No, I didn't say that at all. You didn't understand the context or the comment. You just cherry picked a couple lines without following the thread to find a way to twsit it into something nasty that it wasn't. Your hate blinds you to understanding but ignorance due to hate really isn't an excuse.