Page 2 | AIBU - DP’s physical contact and intention

7whiteclouds · 2023-01-23T08:42:57+00:00

Hi, DP likes a lot of physical contact and affection; he says that’s how he feels close to me. I on the other hand, am not as physically affectionate, I like to show and receive affection in other ways I.E. doing thoughtful things for one another, spending quality time together etc. I do however try to give the physical affection that I know my DP appreciates as I appreciate we are all different. However, as of late especially, almost all of the time that DP shows me physical affection, I know that his intention is for it to turn sexual and he intends for something sexual to result either straight away or later on when the kids are in bed etc. Most of the time I am not comfortable with this. I feel like he only wants to show me affection to get sex. He denies this and says it’s because that’s how he feels the closest to me. i openly tell him that I don’t “want to be touched like that” or I often pull away from kisses when they are getting more passionate. He can tell that I am quite stand off-ish at times, and I imagine feels quite rejected when i tell him that I don’t want to be touched or kissed etc (in the times that I know he’s trying to take things further). Obviously there are times when his efforts are reciprocated and things do go further, but not as often as he’d like I imagine. Especially as our sex drives are very different and I have a very busy day to day life. whenever I have tried to voice this to him, it causes huge issues and he doesn’t talk to me for days. AIBU to voice to tell him that I don’t want to be touched/kissed “like that”? (Fully aware it’s my body and I’m entitled to say no etc, there’s no issues around consent)

Slowingdownagain · 23/01/2023 10:44

Oh no I didn't read the thread and realise he's abusive - sorry OP, ignore the above!

Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 23/01/2023 10:45

@yourwinter I was too, it's a rubbish place to be isn't it.

It messes with your head OP, making you feel unreasonable because it's "only" a hug. Then when they push it to try their luck and you withdraw they can accuse you of not wanting affection. It's a vicious circle of you being edgy every time affection is instigated, because you never know the intention and if sulking may follow.

It doesn't feel like coercion when you're in it, because theres no consent issues....I would have said that too, and I imagine @yourwinter would have said the same....but once you take a step back you realise there absolutely was.

Naunet · 23/01/2023 10:45

musingsinmidlife · 23/01/2023 10:44

No, I didn't say that at all. You didn't understand the context or the comment. You just cherry picked a couple lines without following the thread to find a way to twsit it into something nasty that it wasn't. Your hate blinds you to understanding but ignorance due to hate really isn't an excuse.

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😂😂😂

takealettermsjones · 23/01/2023 10:47

Ihatethenewlook · 23/01/2023 09:55

Absolute bollocks. Unless there’s something wrong with him, it’s really not hard to tell by someone’s body language when they don’t want their tits and arse being grabbed at and groped. Just because it’s ‘reciprocated sometimes’ doesn’t mean he can pester the op for sex whenever he likes just on the off chance she might say yes. It must be pretty clear to him by now that the op does not want it as often as him, constantly pushing for it when she doesn’t want it is sexual harassment. If it’s not immediately clear whether she’s up for it or not, it’s not hard for him to use his big boy voice and just ask ‘do you feel like having sex now/later’?

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Okay. Maybe we have different outlooks, but for me, being asked "would you like to have sex" is not likely to get me in the mood. I don't know whether that's the case for OP, which is why I asked if she wants him to do things differently. If she's told him that and he's not listening, then of course he's being an arse.

I don't think, in general, it's a bad thing for someone to come on to their partner - obviously, not in a way they've been explicitly told is unwelcome, and not if they're going to sulk about hearing a no. As I've said, I missed that part in the OP, so that changes things considerably.

KettrickenSmiled · 23/01/2023 10:53

musingsinmidlife · 23/01/2023 10:39

Ah a name change.

As I said, I suggest professional help. Going through life with hatred for 50% of the population isn't healthy for anyone.

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😂😂😂

Ah, here you are with your odd fixations again @musingsinmidlife

You're as wrong about me being @Naunet (wotcher Naunet & cheers) as you are about Cyberflashing not being illegal.

My male pals would find you as batshit as I do - every single one of them is less sexist than you are btw - so I don't set any value on the opinion of a poster who reckons incest & predatory sexual assault on vulnerable adults are not criminal offences.

KettrickenSmiled · 23/01/2023 10:56

musingsinmidlife · 23/01/2023 10:42

Clearly you don't understand mysogyny either. Spouting words you dont understand is pretty pointless.

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😂😂😂😂😂

Clearly you don't even understand what clearly means.
Also, you don't even know how to spell misogyny.

HTH

SleeplessInEngland · 23/01/2023 10:56

Obviously there are times when his efforts are reciprocated and things do go further, but not as often as he’d like I imagine. Especially as our sex drives are very different and I have a very busy day to day life.

This is the inescapable crux of it. Other posters can call him a bully or whatever but even if he wasn't this fact stillremains, and resolving it is probably impossible without one side feeling resentful.

GerbilsForever24 · 23/01/2023 10:58

whenever I have tried to voice this to him, it causes huge issues and he doesn’t talk to me for days.

So he doesn't physically force you to have sex but attempts to emotionally coerce you into it!? Sorry OP, you DO have a big problem.

Also, with all due respect, physical "affection" is NOT the same as sexual intimacy and it never ceases to amaze me how hard it is for so many to see this. Physical affection includes hugging and touching and holding hands. Perhaps kissing. Frankly, all things that are largely okay in public. The moment it's something that you wouldn't necessarily do at the pub or in front of the DC, that's sexual - breast or butt groping/caressing, passionate kisses etc. It sounds like he is confusing the two because, as you have identified, it's NOT about affection but about sex.

Naunet · 23/01/2023 11:31

KettrickenSmiled · 23/01/2023 10:56

😂😂😂😂😂

Clearly you don't even understand what clearly means.
Also, you don't even know how to spell misogyny.

HTH

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I hadn’t even noticed the bad spelling! 🤣

YourWinter · 23/01/2023 11:57

Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 23/01/2023 10:45

@yourwinter I was too, it's a rubbish place to be isn't it.

It messes with your head OP, making you feel unreasonable because it's "only" a hug. Then when they push it to try their luck and you withdraw they can accuse you of not wanting affection. It's a vicious circle of you being edgy every time affection is instigated, because you never know the intention and if sulking may follow.

It doesn't feel like coercion when you're in it, because theres no consent issues....I would have said that too, and I imagine @yourwinter would have said the same....but once you take a step back you realise there absolutely was.

You have summarised it so well @Haveyoubrushedyourteeth, thank you.

It came to a head when he got in from work, came into the kitchen where I was at the sink with my back to him, and shoved his hands straight up my t-shirt to squeeze my breasts. My 11 and 9 year olds had followed him into the kitchen.

Nothing was said by the kids, or about them seeing this, they left the kitchen. I shifted away and he said, “I don’t know why I bother, you’re wearing jeans again, you don’t even make an effort”.

I never managed to blend being a filthy minx greeting him at the door in suspenders and heels, with sorting the kids’ tea and homework, and I didn’t want to be acting a part to thrill him.

Original poster

7whiteclouds · 23/01/2023 18:38

Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 23/01/2023 10:45

@yourwinter I was too, it's a rubbish place to be isn't it.

It messes with your head OP, making you feel unreasonable because it's "only" a hug. Then when they push it to try their luck and you withdraw they can accuse you of not wanting affection. It's a vicious circle of you being edgy every time affection is instigated, because you never know the intention and if sulking may follow.

It doesn't feel like coercion when you're in it, because theres no consent issues....I would have said that too, and I imagine @yourwinter would have said the same....but once you take a step back you realise there absolutely was.

You have actually hit the nail on the head here. This is exactly how I feel.

Thank you for this.

OP posts:

Original poster

7whiteclouds · 23/01/2023 18:45

GerbilsForever24 · 23/01/2023 10:58

whenever I have tried to voice this to him, it causes huge issues and he doesn’t talk to me for days.

So he doesn't physically force you to have sex but attempts to emotionally coerce you into it!? Sorry OP, you DO have a big problem.

Also, with all due respect, physical "affection" is NOT the same as sexual intimacy and it never ceases to amaze me how hard it is for so many to see this. Physical affection includes hugging and touching and holding hands. Perhaps kissing. Frankly, all things that are largely okay in public. The moment it's something that you wouldn't necessarily do at the pub or in front of the DC, that's sexual - breast or butt groping/caressing, passionate kisses etc. It sounds like he is confusing the two because, as you have identified, it's NOT about affection but about sex.

This is a really useful thought. Like you say, I hadn’t realised the distinction myself.

He has always moaned about my apparent lack of affection, which I’ve always felt confused by as I do give kisses, hugs etc. however I now realise that his issue is actually with my lack of initiating sex - that must be what he must mean when he says I’m not affectionate.

OP posts:

Original poster

7whiteclouds · 23/01/2023 18:55

Naunet · 23/01/2023 10:21

DP likes a lot of physical contact and affection; he says that’s how he feels close to me. I on the other hand, am not as physically affectionate, I like to show and receive affection in other ways I.E. doing thoughtful things for one another, spending quality time together etc. I do however try to give the physical affection that I know my DP appreciates as I appreciate we are all different

So you try and show physical affection because its what he appreciates. Does he do the things that you need to make you feel loved? Does he do thoughtful things and spend quality time with you?

This answer doesn’t even require thinking about.

No, is the answer.

he appears apologetic and always says he must do better whenever I bring up the lack of time/effort/thought he affords me, however it never materialises.

OP posts:

Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 23/01/2023 19:11

That's exactly what mine was like @yourwinter, although my children were younger he didn't see a problem behaving like that with them around whereas I absolutely did. It was like being a piece of meat, but if I pushed back then I was meant to be flattered that he found me so attractive 🙄

I wish I had some advice @7whiteclouds Hopefully you're not at the stage where you're past the point of no return and this can be fixed. But as the PP says he's tarting it up, this isn't about affection its about sex - he just knows that sounds bloody awful.

I did manage to get mine to sort his behaviour in front of the children, but once I stopped going to spontaneously touch him in any way, in case I gave out the wrong signals, then I knew it was over. Even a kiss or a hug felt like I was leading him on somehow.

All I can say OP is that you aren't in the wrong here. You really aren't, so hang on to that. I'm older and wiser now and know it's not as simple as splitting up, but you need to speak to him, even if he doesn't listen. At least then you'll always know that you really did try your best. Wishing you the very best.